Please help need someone to talk to

[Helpls]

Will understand if I get judged. Just need some perspective. At 11am I started drinking wine. I had 2 glasses then I had a cocktail can. DH came home (he took DC out for the morning) and has gone mad that I am “tipsy” Said he thinks I have a problem and I need to sort my head out. Throwing out that I have an alcoholic brother and I’m like him (I’m not)

I don’t wake up “needing a drink” I think I could go without a drink all week. It’s just the feeling of being tipsy I crave. It’s a nice feeling and makes me happier. Makes me be able to deal with things better. Puts me in a good mood.

Anyway we’ve had a massive row and I’ve left the house. Currently out walking to get away from him.

Feel so upset

You’re all so lovely. Stopping myself going to the shop buying more. I think your words of encouragement have helped that

It's not healthy now and it is only likely to get worse. Sounds like you need to find something that helps lift your mood and destress

What else would help you to relax and escape from the stresses of life, including your lovely but difficult son? Drinking is obviously a quick hit but is objectively flawed in all ways.

You mentioned exercise and diet. Do you get your fair share of free time and if so can you reframe how to best utilise it? Running, yoga, singing, meditation, coffee and silly chats with friends…basically anything that is yours.

I can see exactly why your DH is scared. You may not be happy to come home to that exact scenario yourself. Go home when you’re ready and have a talk about what you are feeling and what support you need.

Honestly @Helpls anyone who drinks alcohol regularly is at least psychologically addicted to alcohol. I don’t mean the Baileys at Christmas and a Prosecco at weddings crowd. I’m talking about the friends and family who “enjoy” a few glasses of wine every Friday and Saturday night, more on holidays. Alcohol is needed to relax and be sociable.It’s endemic in our society.

People wouldn’t call themselves alcoholics but I bet they couldn’t go on a weeks all inclusive to Spain and not drink. I know very few people who really genuinely can take it or leave it.

You are not the problem- alcohol is. It’s designed to be addictive just like every other recreational drug and marketed as a socially acceptable drug. Your body is doing as was intended - becoming alcohol dependent. Time to get back in control @Helpls - good luck!!

This is all such a good sign OP ❤️

This is relatable. It sounds like you’re self-medicating. Getting a few units in at 11am alone on a Sunday morning might not make you an alcoholic in the way it’s understood by most but at the very minimum it’s not a healthy pursuit and it sounds like possibly you’re using booze to mask something larger and deeper and darker going on inside. For me it’s mental noise, not a ‘fed-up’ feeling. I like how when I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine I feel calmer and more able to deal with challenges. I’ve stopped drinking altogether because I realised (quite late on in the day) that’s not what it’s for. It causes more issues than it solves. Being able to stop for a week, do dry January, stop while pregnant, proves nothing, either. Many alcoholics can pack it in for years but the urge doesn’t entirely leave them.

What if it was banned? And you had to consider not drinking ever again? Does that seem like a terrifying prospect?

For me these things have helped so posting in case they are useful strategies for you to try…

buying some since quality non-alcoholic drinks. Kombucha or fancy infused sparkling waters - not stuff pretending to be alcohol, but things that taste different and are special and indulgent. I drink this out of a fancy glass and enjoy them with a nice book or a programme I want to watch. It’s helped me associate non alcoholic drinks with being a ‘treat’ of ‘reward’

joining the life’s better without alcohol fb group

taking up yoga and running and cooking lovely, healthy food from scratch (often with a ‘fancy’ soft drink instead of a glass of wine)

enrolling my kids in Fri eve, Sat morning or Sun eve clubs that I need to drive to to give me a reason not to drink.

as someone upthread said, we are not the problem. Alcohol is designed to be addictive and society makes it hard to ignore it or abstain so don’t be too hard on yourself.

My Dad was a functioning alcoholic, my brother is a full alcoholic and so is his son (whose mum died of alcoholism, along with his other auntie and both his other grandparents) so I feel I know a fair bit on the subject.

Craving feeling tipsy is quite literally one of the defining characteristics of alcoholism. You can only help yourself when you admit it. Drinking during the day when you're on your own (or the only adult in the house) is another defining characteristic of Alcoholism

It’s just the feeling of being tipsy I crave. It’s a nice feeling and makes me happier. Makes me be able to deal with things better. Puts me in a good mood.

There can be a genetic/environmental component. What you are describing here is someone who has a problem with alcohol. It's not healthy for alcohol to be the way you cope with life. My dad used alcohol to cope, he wasnt rude or aggressive or angry, he was still a loving dad, but it still effected us, a lot. My brother has problems with alcohol and drugs, much more so than my dad, came within a couple of inches killing himself driving out of his mind on drugs and way over the limit. I took up the responsibilities my dad dropped, I tried to fix things, I tried to take his stress away and care for mh siblings so he wouldn't drink. I ended up in an abusive relationship because of the messed up dynamic I had growing up caring for my parent. No child should have to go through that. For your DCs sake get some help and find ways to cope that don't involve alcohol.

11 am and your drinking your a mum a parent act like one sorry you have a problem and need to sort it.

@spacepies thanks I’ve gathered that

OP, go home and apologise to your DH and share your fears and feelings. You'll need his support.

There are different types of alcoholics and alcoholics dependency. My exh would drink to massive excess. Once he starred he couldn't stop. To 'prove' he wasn't an alcoholic and so didn't need to get help he would abstain for a week or so. He always,always went back. The pattern you describe isn't healthy, and your loved one is telling you that. Please please get help before he takes matters into his own hands. Xx

OP I hope you feel able to go home and work things out with your DP. You’ve had some great insights here and should try to explain some of the same with him, especially the stress you are feeling from looking after your son.

Thank goodness Captain Obvious has arrived...

Someone vulnerable is asking for help ya tit, have some compassion.

Definitely do that! Quite aside from the health benefits, the endorphins alone will help your state of mind without the lows and bad feelings that can come from drinking to numb emotions. (Zero criticism here btw, I'm no teetotaller and have done a fair bit of unhealthy drinking myself in my time 😄but my mental health is always better when I'm treating my body kindly.)

Thanks so much to everybody for the support. I went home not long after. Spoke to DH about my feelings and he apologised. I told him that it wasn’t his fault, he wasn’t to know as I hadn’t told him.

The drink has worn off and I am able to think more clearly now. I know what I need to do to help myself and to get back into a more healthier lifestyle. I know it won’t happen over night and I’ll have to work hard, but I am determined not to let today lead me down a bad path.

Thanks again x

Well done, you did the right thing returning home and having a conversation with your husband about it. Hopefully he can give you that support to get back to living a healthier way and tackling your mental health.
It probably won't be easy but it'll be so worth it. Big hug and good luck to you moving forward OP.

This is a great start @Helpls .

Yes - having an alcoholic brother (and dad by the sound of it) could mean an inherited link making it more likely for you to develop alcohol addiction.

The research is not massive and it’s very complex (as is everything around genetics!) but there is potentially a link. There’s a Harvard Professor called Andrew Huberman who has a free podcast about lots of things and they are amazing! It was recommended by someone on the alcohol support forum here and I tuned in and am working my way through lots of his podcasts. He’s a bona fide Professor so knows what he’s talking about!

His podcasts on dopamine and alcohol are a real eye opener. He goes into the links between drinking and anxiety and also the potential genetic link to alcohol use disorder.

I really recommend you listening to these. He covers so much about the harm alcohol does that doesn’t get mentioned so much - leaky gut, cortisol/anxiety, dopamine. Honestly, you will be amazed and it will hopefully help you get back on track ❤️

@Helpls I'm glad you're home and safe.

You've been very brave, and I don't mean that sarcastically. I've worn your shoes but a couple of sizes larger.

It's not an easy path to get walking in a straight line again, but you will. You sound determined. And you have support.

Please seek help for what's troubling you. I know therapy waiting lists are huge. But don't give up.

Hi op…. I used to do what you’re describing, the feeling of being tipsy and able to throw what life handles at me in a more relaxed way was what I also used to say. I also felt like a fun mum and just happier. I loved it. But then it took more than just a couple glasses, then it was a bottle, then 2 bottles.
I promise you it will not end well and it won’t stay at just 2 glasses and a cocktail.
i mean this kindly-you think you don’t have a problem then there is nothing any of us can say. But we only tend to realise it’s a problem once it catches up on us.

I'm rooting for you, OP

If the genders were reversed there would be alot of "LTB". You don't want it to get to the point where your dh throws you out or leaves and you have limited contact with your children?
Please seek help. Glad you've spoken to dh. Hope you feel better soon x

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