Should I put pressure on DH?

[Theroadnottravelled]

My husband is self employed. He earns good money but works long hours. The issue is we live in a small town that has ok transport links but most people drive. We have a car and I drive but DH does not. He never learnt in his youth. He’s had some lessons but is not a natural driver tbh, no desire to do it. We have two DC (3 and 5) so it’s down to me to do all nursery and school pick ups, drop offs, clubs, holidays in the car. I work FT so it’s hard squeezing it all in. He does walk everywhere but that’s not always suitable for the kids. Should I tell him he has to get a licence to share the burden? It’s starting to grate on me.

Tell him he needs to learn - it will only get worse as the kids do more/further afield activities.

You can ask him to learn, you can't tell him to do anything. He's a grown up and can make his own choices.

Depends the exact reason why hes "not a natural driver".

My health issues and symptoms means it's unsafe for me to drive. I convinced my GP to sign me off once, citing improvement in my health, but after taking lessons (automatic) had to concede it was (and is still) unsafe.. And of course, how uncomfortable and difficult I found it right put me off.

If my partner turned around now and expected me to learn to drive, I'd have no choice but to let him down.

So what is the reason your partner can't? We all like to assume other people are just being difficult and lazy. A lot of people assume that of me in many areas of life. But, unfortunately, making that assumption won't help guide you to a reasonable outcome here, or a solution. It will, likely, just cause problems and a breakdown of the relationship.

How about discussing it with him, before, erm, putting pressure on him?

This is interesting, because of it was the other way round,DH insists that the wife learns to Drive, pretty sure MN would be on the wife's side.. some people genuinely cannot get to grips with learning to drive, and after taking the Advanced Driving test with a Police examiner, I firmly believe a huge majority of people actually driving shouldn't be on the road..is a bicycle with seat/tandem an option, that's what I used before I learnt.

He doesn’t ’have to’ do anything

YANBU at all.

I actually do know a family with this set up, slightly younger kids, but the sexes reversed. I think he's crazy not to be putting a bit of pressure on her.

He can buy a cargo bike to transport the kids if he doesnt want to drive a car. Bonus, no need to wait for him to pass a test!

Yep cargo bike, can even get an electric version.

You only have to read a thread where someone mentions not driving to know you've that theory very wrong.

so it’s down to me to do all nursery and school pick ups, drop offs, clubs, holidays in the car

I'm amazed you've got to the kids being this age and it's only come to a head now-why? This would have been something that I'd have been discussing with DH when I was pregnant, if not before!

What reason does he give for not driving/learning? Does he appreciate that you don't like it all falling to you?

My dh doesn't drive, and it's been immensely frustrating.
The day I went into labour stands out.
The young days of a million clubs were a pain

The teen years of late night parties were effin' awful.

Now she's at uni and I see her WAY more than he does, we have glorious car journeys just her and me
I feel I've won

Wow he has quite the life doesn't he?
Seems like a great excuse to barely contribute to family life and responsibilities...

I am curious as to what he does? If he is self-employed, does he have tools or other equipment that he needs to carry round with him? Or is he a ploughman and the horse pulls it?

I would advise him that it would help you if he tried to do lessons again

You arrange your life so it doesn't depend on driving to everywhere. That's certainly what we did.

DH also did more at home to compensate for the after school taxi I did in their pre teens/teens.

If he doesn’t want to learn to drive then he finds a way to lessen your burden another way to ensure things are fairer.

Assuming that lessons can be afforded, as long as there is no physical or cognitive reason that a person can't learn to drive it is extremely selfish not to when the whole load falls to the other partner - male or female!

The only exception would be living in a city with amazing public transport links with no need to go further afield on a regular basis.

I think you need to have a conversation with him and ask him to start learning. Explain how you feel about it all falling to you and discuss what you are going to do when the kids get older and potentially have to be in two different places at the same time.

If he refuses or agrees but dithers then you could start putting some pressure on.

And I would be saying exactly the same if the genders were reversed.

If he doesn’t want to then stop forcing him. I don’t want any reluctant drivers on the road

Amd when he says no, then what?
More asking?!
Then what?

This way, resentment lies.

If he's not keen on driving full stop. Then do you really want him taking the kids out in a car anyway? I mean if it's because he was a nervous driver.

I'm going to have another go this year (it'll be my 3rd attempt at learning - loads of previous lessons. I just never took to it). This time I want to try automatic, but if it doesn't work for me then that's that.

Taxis?

Not being able to drive shouldn't preclude him from taking his kids places.

Since they're married I assume OP isn't just unaware that he has a health reason for not being able to drive. This isn't some stranger she's simply assuming cba.

I'd definitely want him to learn to drive. My DH can't drive (visually impaired) and it is a massive pain me having to do all the driving and all the children drop offs etc if they aren't within walking distance. If DH could drive but chose not to, I'd be annoyed.

Obviously if he tries hard, has lessons, and just can't do it, that's different. Has he tried learning in an automatic - I think some people find a manual harder to get to grips with?

I've never learnt to drive. We used the bus till dd was a year old and then she had a seat on the front of my bike. We progressed to a tag along bike, then her own bike. We managed.
I would never have expected dh to run us around because I didn't drive. We worked opposite shifts so we had to find our own way of getting about.

I agree it's not ideal & does put you under a lot of pressure. However, some people should just not drive.. in fact a lot that do, just shouldn't. I have my advanced license & HGV, so perhaps am a little critical, but the way some people drive is just frightening. My DH does not drive & I & the rest of the country are grateful he doesn't. He just doesn't have what it takes, some due to 'health/cognitive issues & gets them the rage at drivers when they say overtake or if he perceives a slight, when I am driving ! His brother is the same, but he drives & is quite frankly terrifying, I saw him driving down the road once with 2 flat tyres. Flagged him down & asked if he'd noticed anything wrong with the car, he said steering was a bit difficult for the last few days!!!! I rest my case M'lord. Cargo bike is the answer, or taxi with the savings of not running a
Second car. Holidays I either drive, then pick somewhere where I can park the car for a week & we either walk train or Uber if needed. Or we get the train. Trains in Europe are great & even better in USA. We've been all over US by train amazing.