Should I put pressure on DH?

[Theroadnottravelled]

My husband is self employed. He earns good money but works long hours. The issue is we live in a small town that has ok transport links but most people drive. We have a car and I drive but DH does not. He never learnt in his youth. He’s had some lessons but is not a natural driver tbh, no desire to do it. We have two DC (3 and 5) so it’s down to me to do all nursery and school pick ups, drop offs, clubs, holidays in the car. I work FT so it’s hard squeezing it all in. He does walk everywhere but that’s not always suitable for the kids. Should I tell him he has to get a licence to share the burden? It’s starting to grate on me.

So you also agree that it wouldn't be unreasonable at all if her DH was putting pressure on OP and telling her that she had to learn to drive?

Didn't think so.

I do not see how him not driving and you doing school drop offs is related in the slightest. You live in a small town, there are good transport links. There is zero need for you to do all of it. I am guessing that you insist on driving because "walking is not suitable for the kids" otherwise he probably would be happy to walk or take a bus to drop them off.
We have never had a car in the family till very recently. Three generations of children managed to get to school regardless.

I am a dangerous driver because Im so nervous. Truly terrible. Therefore DH does all the driving. If he put pressure on me it would only make it worse. Some people just dont have the skill set.

Our lives got easier once DH got his license (huge pain with delays in system!) and he was actually pleased I nagged him into it once he realised it gave him more flexibility and freedom.

I'm not entirely sure I follow your post, but: I think it would be perfectly fair of him to put pressure on her to drive given there's no medical reason why she doesn't.

I think OP would be perfectly reasonable to ask her DH to learn.

I hate driving, but I do it because where we live it's necessary.

I would tell him its a dealbreaker and he needs to learn to drive. I've never in my life heard of a man or boy that doesn't want to drive, until I came on mumsnet. That would be a huge turn off for me as a woman, even without the need for him to drive for kids.

Why can't the kids walk or get on a bus with DH? I didn't drive till mine where older and it's easily manageable in a small town.

Well, you’ve lived a sheltered life! Not sure it’s relevant to OP what turns you on in a man. I think adults should be allowed to make their own minds up about such things without worrying whether it would turn people off

Well, you’ve lived a sheltered life!

Far from in, in fact, on the contrary. Which is exactly why I said what I said.

If its got OK transport links (I missed that part in OP earlier) why does he do any of the load? I don't drive but did 95 % of school drop offs/collections, afterschool activities and parties etc. It meant being tied to a specific shift at work for years and a lot of time hanging around waiting for things to finish or for the next bus but that's the life of a non driver

Thank you everyone for your replies. I’ll try and answer some of the queries. I’m not demanding he drive, nor does he have a health condition. I’m asking if the load is fair. DH is mid forties so it’s a hard conversation. It’s too far for my kids to walk to school/nursery at their ages so he can do it but takes a buggy. When the weather is awful, it’s rotten all round. Therefore the driver (me) has to do it. Same goes for most of their clubs and parties etc. DH works longish hours so it would take effort to do lessons but it’s possible I think. Taxis are tricky because of car seats and availability. I’m not a dragon wife, just want him to be able to do a basic life function (imo)

But you used the word “ pressure” which does imply you are telling him what to do.

What's he doing at home whilst you are out at the weekend taking the kids to doing birthday parties etc

If he's at home batch cooking, hoovering, changing the beds and mowing the lawn, I'd be less bothered.

If you're out all weekend at soft play and he's home watching porn and planning boozy nights out where you're the designated driver, I'd be more pissed off! Exaggeration there, but you get the point.

What does he say when you tell him you're fed up of having to always do it all @Theroadnottravelled ?

What business does he do where he's self employed, doing long hours that doesn't need driving, but can drop these hours to ferry kids around in car but can't drop these hours to learn?

If he's earning more than you, it'd make sense for you to drop hours and lose less instead of him.dropping hours and losing more.

I'm not sure what "theory" I have got very wrong, I never mentioned having a theory.

But also even if he is at home doing useful things maybe OP would prefer to be at home batch cooking without the kids and not at soft play (I know I sometimes would). Him not driving will be limiting for her in lots of ways, especially as the children get older and need to be taken further afield.

I think it's really selfish not to make the effort to drive when you have a family. It's only going to get worse as the kids do more clubs etc. I have 3 kids and there are multiple clubs every night, I can't imagine doing all that alone!

I think if driving genuinely isn't an option for him then you should live somewhere where not driving is an option. He should definitely be doing his share. I live in a city where plenty of my friends don't drive and they get around on public transport just fine.

If driving the kids about is part of being their parent then he should learn to drive.

Or, he should be taking a whole load of other stuff off your plate instead.

Cries of "he's an adult, you can't force him" are missing the point. What if he decided he couldn't cook, or clean, or do anything else around the house? This isn't about asking a partner to do something that is none of your business, this is about gap in the household/parenting skill of a partner.

How does he do long hours without a car?

I'm in a similar position - I can drive but haven't for getting on for 20 years because until a year ago I'd always lived in big cities, so I effectively can't anymore. DH works full time and is often away so I'm 100% responsible for getting the kids around during the week, we use public transport, or a bike+trailer. I do want to learn again before they get older because I think I'll miss out a bit on chats in the teenage years if I never take them places or do late night pickups, but for now it is far from unmanageable to do nursery runs and clubs without driving. I actually think it's great for the kids too to be learning how to navigate their neighbourhood independently and how to use public transport rather than just being passively driven everywhere.

Surely this must have come up at various stages previously:
When you moved to your location with only "ok" transport links - how did you plan to get around?
When you had babies and had to get to appointments/family/friends/groups with them - how did you think it would happen?
When you chose a nursery and school for your childen - how did you plan to get them there and home?

It sounds like a failure to negotiate at earlier stages and now its all come back to haunt because you've gradually taken it all on yourself and now it's all too much.

Just tell him he needs to take some of the nursery/school runs off you. Whether he walks, cycles, gets a cargo bike (excellent idea!) or learns to drive will be up to him. But don't cave and drive when it's cold or raining, that should be his problem (the kids won't care at that age I'm sure, but they will when they're teens so better get it sorted now).

YANBU, my brother didn't learn to drive in his 20s but my SIL insisted he learn before they had kids

I always hear people say ‘I just need to learn’ or ‘I’ll be fine when I get my license’- honestly it takes a long time to learn to drive safely and confidently, and actually some people never get there! Definitely try and figure something out but it’s definitely not something that’s fixable in the next few months at least