Year 1 - another boy strangled my son

[HROSESATTERS]

My son is in year one and came home from school on Thursday telling me another boy strangled him. I asked him to show me what happened because I wasn’t even convinced he knew was strangling was but he did show me correctly. A teacher intervened and separated them. I asked my son if he pushed back or defended himself and he said no because that’s against the school rules. He is an amazing student and has never missed one day of school. He loves school, is popular in his class & is bright and loves to learn new things. After investigation it turns out the boy who strangled my son had told other kids he was going to strangle my son and he used the word die. This boy has been unkind to my son last year (stole his stones, physically blocked him from telling a teacher).

The school kept the boy separate from the class on Friday but they plan to integrate him back into the class on Monday. As Monday approaches I am more and more concerned about my son returning to the class. I was curious what other mums / dad’s views are on this? Am I over reacting? Is it unreasonable to request the school separate this boy from my son’s class? And at what age is police intervention needed? I know these boys are 5/6 years old but the action is horrifying. I cannot even think about what might have happened had a teacher not been there to intervene. Thank you

That's shocking. At the very least the other boy needs to be put into a different class, if they have one?! Ask for a meeting with the headteacher I think, you need to be fully convinced that your son will be safe. Your poor son.

Its unlikely they will move the boy into another class. It sounds like they are handling it though, although my dcs primary would've told me about it as well. Do you know anything else about the other child? His behaviour sounds odd and not just usually rough housing. I would imagine he has some sort of complex SEN or at this age undiagnosed needs. Go early on Monday and chat with the teacher about it.

That's awful I'm sorry your child is having to go through this, it just gave been very frightening. From your side a meeting needs to be held with the Head AND a safeguarding person. You and your son should not be living in fear. Actions need to be put in place to ensure your child is safe for example the children should never be sat together, work together. Not sat next to each on trips. In the playground opposite ends etc.

I would also refer the other family to social services to starting point or whatever your local safeguarding team is. It is normal for a five year old to do and say those things and it makes me wonder what horrific things that child is seeing at home to act the way for example domestic violence or exposure to violent films, video games etc.

Do you know the parent(s) to speak to?

Don’t talk directly to the parents, that’s the worst thing you could do!
Go through the school. It sounds like there are some things happening in this other boy’s life that you’re not aware of for safeguarding reasons. The staff are best to handle it but definitely request a meeting first thing to discuss how they’re going to keep your child safe going forward.

The school absolutely should have told you about this, with a serious strangulation attempt there can be delayed throat swelling which could have been life threatening and you should have been told so you could monitor him, in the same way you would be after a head injury, it's unlikely but possible.

There was a girl who did similar to my youngest daughter in reception, initially verbal bullying then became physical. I have a good relationship with her head, and was proactive in raising concerns. Within a few weeks the other child was moved class and assigned an 'arms length' 1 to 1 - someone whose job it was to watch her at all times, discretely follow her from a distance. And it has much improved. Do not let this go as only likely to escalate

I would be asking the school to explain what he is allowed to do in that situation to protect himself. If he's like my DS it will need to come from the teacher, otherwise he won't do it because he doesn't want to break the rules.

To clear ifs, I mean ask school to tell DS directly

I disagree, I dont think the school have/are dealing with this well. You didn't even get a phone call from the school, your child had to tell you this. I would be furious about this. As PP said I would be asking for them to be separated at all times. I'm also concerned where the child is hearing these words and learning these actions and that should be investigated. I would not send my child back into school until I was satisfied he was safe.

Yes, as @Breathinginthenewyear said, if you don't get clear assurances of how they would be keeping my child safe I would be keeping my child home, I did this with my oldest and the situation resolved within a few hours with the head calling me and advising had over ridden the class teachers refusal to take the actions we would be helpful for our oldest (moing her away from an aggressive child within he classroom seating).

I fully appreciate schools are in a really difficult position (a staff member pulled an attacker of my daughters friend, and a complaint was raised against that staff member and the attackers mum went round our village telling everyone that this staff member was violent to children - she wasn't, she was wonderful, but the incident took its toll on her MH and she eventually resigned) but ultimately your priority is your child.

You need to arrange a meeting with the head and ask why you weren’t informed of what was obviously seen as a serious incident if they separated this boy from the rest of the class and what is the action plan going forward to ensure your child’s safety. Say you expect to be informed immediately if there are further incidents. Keep the focus on your child as obviously they can’t discuss the other boy with you but make it clear that you will not sit by and say nothing if your child is assaulted again.

Does he mean grabbed him by the neck? Lots of children do this. As a parent of a child who bit and pushed I’d say just let the school deal with it. They will know if it’s anything out of the ordinary. He’s 5 so a bit older than I’d expect this behaviour which is presumably why they separated him. His words of intent are concerning though , more than his actions.

The school should have informed you and completed an incident form, and although they won't move a reception age child to a different class for something like this, they should be assuring you they are taking steps to manage the risk.

The police won't do anything because he's under ten.
I had all this with my eldest a boy in his class terrorising other children not just the boys but even a girl with autism.
I asked my son what he would do if the boy did something to him and he said nothing because the other kid was "tougher"

I can only recommend getting him into self defense classes boxing or martial arts to build confidence and so he can defend himself

Get a check up with the Dr to check for any delayed swelling, small bone damage, etc, if it was a strong attempt.

There was intent, not a playground incident that got out of control. I would bet the violent kid is watching inappropriate online content.

At least the school acted. We had a situation with a really violent kid in the class - injuries to others included cuts and a suspected concussion, DC was whacked hard in the neck. Moved schools as they couldn’t handle it with a large class. Should have made the move sooner with hindsight. The disruption to the class from an out of control kid was huge. The problem kid was being failed as he should have had support.

The lack of protection given to our young children against violent classmates is disgraceful. Complain, complain, complain OP. Demand to see an extensive safeguarding plan put in place to protect your child.

Really? Schools have money for this?

If you observe a group of 6 year old boys playing together, I can guarantee that they will find an object to pretend its a gun, will pretend they’re superheroes and grab each other, will play police and arrest each other. Some will be the ‘baddies’ and say they're going to kill each other. Some of this play will include wrestling with arms around necks. Its the same in school playgrounds up and down the country!

This happened to my son. I srnt him to karate the young teacher said her parents sent her as a child the main thing she said is that a cild can use techniques immediately to defend themselves before that grip gets tighter.
It may be worth considering a formal complaint as you were not told.

And once hes learnt to defend himself if the boy hits him again he can hit him back twice as hard. None of this "be the better person" bs that schools teach while they constantly let bullies get away with it

The school should've told you about the incident the day it happened.

What was the context of the strangling? Part of a game? During a fight /argument? Out of nowhere?

Who carried out the investigation? Teacher/head? I'm surprised they shared that information with you.

Is it a multiple form school?

This happened to my DD. In the same way, she said she wouldn't fight back as it was against the rules.

I have sent her to kickboxing classes as the boy involved remains in her class.

Saying what? Honestly, I think most people have no clue of school life.

How can schools guarantee safety? Can you guarantee safety of your child in your home? No.

Schools will put steps in place. Increased supervision, separation may work but often not, lessons to raise awareness of grabbing necks. That's pretty much all they can do. They will be dealing with many such incidents daily.

Staffing levels are poor, children are impulsive. This is reality.

I'd also think this is a bit of an overreaction. So he bothered your son once last year and now there's another incident this year? That hardly warrants moving the kids to another class or involving social services.
Some children that age like to play rough. It's nothing uncommon. DS strangled one of his classmates with a toy snake in Year 1. He had to sit in the headteacher's office for the rest of the day. When I asked him why he'd done that, he told me the other child had asked him to. Turns out it was his best mate and they'd just been rather silly. We talked about why it's a dangerous thing to do. That was the end of it.
Perhaps talk to your child about it being OK to defend himself when he's being attacked.
The school should have told you about it, though.

She quite clearly said strangling, and that she had checked with him what the actions were.

I think you are letting your rose-tinted lenses stop you from seeing what is happening here. Many people are perfectly aware of how schools minimize violence (straight off by sanitising the language they are prepared to use to describe what happens), and how they focus on the perpetrators to the detriment of victims.

OP, schools will always take the path of least resistance. That child’s parents will be hyper-defensive, will minimise and accuse you of over reacting. You need to put the school in the position where facing that down is the Easy Option.
On a side note, I would tell him he is allowed to defend himself- imagine teaching children they should offer themselves up to be strangled, or bit, or pushed, in effect that they should give free rein to those that would assault them.

Document conversations and incidents. Follow conversations with emails and stick to the facts - who, where, when, what, no speculations or 'this is what I think'. Keep the focus on your child and keep asking school 'how are you going to keep my son safe'? Find out who is the safeguarding lead for school and speak to them. Other posters mentioned possible needs of the other boy - this is not your concern, additonal needs do not trump safety and safeguarding, keep the focus of the conversation on your child.