FIL visit, give me strength please

[RockingBaby889]

FIL visiting, staying with us for 3 weeks. We live in an expensive holiday destination so DP is showing him around. Wonderful. Except we have a 5 month old baby who doesn't sleep very well and so far FIL's visit has meant:

• more tidying and cooking for me
• less help from DP especially in the evenings which is the worst time with a baby, as DP is taking FIL for drinks and dinners. I have to stay home with baby for bedtime. He's a grouchy baby after 6 pm. The newborn days where we could take him out for dinners are over.
• zero personal space as FIL is here all day (small house)
• losing my car (FIL uses it to get around, there is zero public transport or taxi here and a rental is $1k a week). To be fair FIL is happy to drive me to baby groups etc but it's not the same as having free use of my car.
• losing use of our only spare bedroom (so I can't shower in the spare bathroom when baby is asleep etc, no big deal, but inconvenient)
• lots of stress as they want to take baby out too but that means more work for me, timing his naps just right, packing shit, breastfeeding in public but baby is soooo distracted he doesn't feed properly etc

MIL died last year after a long illness. She was a gem. DH is still devastated and I want him to have a nice time with FIL, it means so much to him.

But it's all sort of at my expense, any advice? I just have to suck it up but I'm 4 days in and already exhausted.

If I got more than 4 hours of broken sleep in the last 5 months I'd likely be able to go with the flow more.

You sound so mean. Recently bereaved DH is spending time with his father and only 4 days in your already mad?

talk to your DH and set some guidelines on cooking and cleaning responsibilities and other stuff and then enjoy watching your husband and kiddo spend some time with an important member of the family.

Speak to your husvand and explain - he will have to limit his nights out, more take outs and less cooking. Any chance of FIL taking the baby out for a walk every afternoon for an hour? Give you a chance to have a shower and some down time?

Your DH can still spend time with his dad whilst carrying on his own responsibilities.

Why does he need your car? That’s ridiculous.

Your DH needs to cook some meals in the evenings. Fil can tidy up after himself.

She doesn’t sound mean at all, what are you talking about! The baby is 5 months and all she is asking is for a bit of consideration.

I don’t think you sound mean. I think all the adults in this scenario are adjusting to new dynamics and all bereaved in different ways from the loss of mum/wife/mil

I wonder if a few small changes might help - just a few suggestions based on what you mention:
could dh take fil out alternate nights for drinks/dinner and you could then not be left on your own every night. perhaps fil or dh could cook etc or you get takeaway.
if fil is flexible, perhaps he wouldn’t really mind if you used the shower on the spare bathroom whilst baby is sleeping?
Could you suggest some outings that would work with the baby even if just short trips/out for light lunch or whatever?
Could dh and/or fil look after the baby to allow you to go back to bed for an hour or two some mornings?

No DP should not be abandoning his duties for 3 weeks. You're not a maid / servant / slave.

I need the car tomorrow fil

Other than that you are being unreasonable

This. It's not mean to understand your own needs at the some time as understanding others'. Women are trained to POOF magic away their needs of anyone else has one. Well sleep is a very basic need. Actually more basic and necessary than relationship if we're playing TopTrumps. Her FIL isn't on MN so let's not tell her to be a martyr.

DH and FIL can have lovely lunches out and DH can be home for the witching hour. You can rest at home and make the naps work for you and the baby. DH needs to do more, if there is more to do.

Three weeks is a LONG time, and I've lived far away from family. You always think the longer, the better. But that is a lie. If you can do broken up time (with you - go to another area for a mini break - with you) it's perfect!

Could you stay with any friends and family for a few days to break it up a bit?

Start planning ahead and say ‘Right, FIL I need the car next week on Monday, Weds and Fri and DH I need you home on the following days.

What did you think it would be like? This isn’t a FIL problem, it’s a house guest problem. Anyone would find it tough with a young baby and hosting a guest for 3 weeks.

I think it's a bit of both. I think you could accept life will be a bit harder for 3 weeks because your DH and FIL are grieving. And that they need more one-on-one time than they would for a normal visit. But your DH shouldn't be out every evening and surely they could plan so you can share the car better?

I think your last point is the one that needs most unpicking. Why do you need to be there when they take him out? Will baby not take a bottle? Have you not been apart from the baby in 5 months? Why can't DH just take him? The obvious solution here would be that they take the baby and give you a break to make up for the tricky evenings.

RockingBaby889 · Today 22:41

• "more tidying and cooking for me": Why does your DH not know how to cook or tidy?

-"less help from DP especially in the evenings which is the worst time with a baby, as DP is taking FIL for drinks and dinners. I have to stay home with baby for bedtime. He's a grouchy baby after 6 pm. The newborn days where we could take him out for dinners are over": Is he going out every night? Can you not rest when they get back and let DH take baby. Express some milk and let them take the baby with you

-"zero personal space as FIL is here all day (small house) : no suggestion for this one

-"losing my car (FIL uses it to get around, there is zero public transport or taxi here and a rental is $1k a week). To be fair FIL is happy to drive me to baby groups etc but it's not the same as having free use of my car.
losing use of our only spare bedroom (so I can't shower in the spare bathroom when baby is asleep etc, no big deal, but inconvenient)": does he need your car every day?

-"lots of stress as they want to take baby out too but that means more work for me, timing his naps just right, packing shit, breastfeeding in public but baby is soooo distracted he doesn't feed properly etc": your DH should know what stuff to pack and the baby's sleep schedule. Express some milk and let them take the baby out

Why are you the default tidy-er and cook? Why does the visit preclude them lifting a finger?

Let me guess… because they’re men. 🙄

You don’t have to accept this. Start as you mean to go on. Don’t be a domestic martyr - expect your DH to step up.

She's not mean, she's just exhausted and having a vent on an anonymous forum.

Reclaim the car.
Ubers are really cheap and available in lots of areas now, so he should do that
Then he can get out and about himself and give you a bit of space

Just say no to stuff OP! Examples below:

more tidying and cooking for me - NOPE, I have enough on my plate sorry.

less help from DP - NOPE, DH you need to help me as normal

DP is taking FIL for drinks and dinners. NOPE, this is not needed EVERY NIGHT surely?!

losing my car - UMM I get sharing it but not taking it completely! Can’t he stay home when you need it?? Be more assertive. No I’d like the car this morning to run errands. It will be free in the afternoon.

losing use of our only spare bedroom (so I can't shower in the spare bathroom when baby is asleep etc, no big deal, but inconvenient) MEH no biggie on its own, but annoying as part of the rest.

lots of stress as they want to take baby out too but that means more work for me, timing his naps just right, packing shit, breastfeeding in public but baby is soooo distracted he doesn't feed properly etc Let them and use the chance for a break.

I just have to suck it up - no you don’t. Talk to DH as he needs to step up.

If I got more than 4 hours of broken sleep in the last 5 months Why isn’t DH sharing this?!

These are mild annoyance’s for what probably means a great deal your DH and FIL. He is bereaved, and wants to spend time with his family. Yes it will be irritating to not to have your house to yourself, surely you can say if you need your car and he take an uber. Not being able to shower if your spare room en-suite is such a MN moan. With kindness, fast forward yourself a few decades and imagine how you might be feeling after losing your life partner. Be kind, be compassionate and be realistic, it’s a few weeks of your life

Try and set up a routine/schedule so that you all know what you're doing when. Ie everyone has dinner at home Monday-Weds, husband cooks Thursday, FIL takes baby out Friday and husband takes baby out Saturday. That will make things better for everyone

You've got to suck this up, grit your teeth and get through it. Explain your difficulties to your husband and come up with a plan. He needs to understand what you're feeling so he can partner you better. Maybe you take FIL out for a meal while husband looks after babe. Maybe FIL babysits for an hour while you and husband go out for a quick drink. Maybe you go out with a friend for a couple of hours while husband babysits. You will get through this, but TOGETHER.

Seriously do not suck this all up. Or this will be the blueprint for whenever he visits. He can use your car when you aren't using it. Why can't he take your husbands car?! Your husband can't opt out of parenthood because his dad is visiting. Mysteriously this wouldn't happen if one of your family was visiting. You need to stop feeding into their shitty entitled behaviour. Your on maternity leave not pander to your husband and FIL leave. Has your husband done any night wakings?!

If your DH has a car he drives to and from work then could FIL drop him off in the mornings and pick him up in the evenings using that car and free you your car for you? At least some of the days.

Why is FIL staying so long?

Sounds like your DH needs to step up a lot more.

Yes be kind and compassionate to men, who are showing no kindness and compassion to a new mum. Ridiculous, it's not a woman's job to always put herself last.

OP, talk to your husband, you need to set boundaries, tell him what you need from him, also he should also know how to pack for his baby, it shouldn't default to you.

My advice would be to do less cooking, cleaning, prep and ask the men to organise food when eating in the house. Literally quietly take a step back from household duties and instead centre your well-being and let the jobs fall by the wayside. If there ends up being a massive washing backlog so be it, turn a blind eye to it. Tell them you’re tired if asked.

They don't need to be waited on hand and foot to enjoy their time, just being together and doing something/anything is what they need, wether that be washing up or cooking.