AIBU to think my MIL is a sociopath?

[RLT2]

Currently 8 weeks pregnant after 2 years of failed IVF rounds before one has worked. Incredibly anxious and exhausted to be honest from how long it has taken to get to this point. Have also been feeling very unwell nauseous etc so have been keeping myself to myself needing time to process everything and how I feel. On a lot of hormones so that doesn’t help either.

First time seeing MIL since she found out and she has just interrogated me on why I am not feeling excited and why I am so negative. When I explained (even though she knows very well) how we’ve had so many failures and I’ve had a lot of time to learn about all the possible things that could go wrong I am too nervous to be excited and it is still only early - I then got assassinated and how can I be like this and what’s wrong with me etc etc. It was like a SAS style interrogation.

She also told me that things don’t just ‘go wrong’ and miscarriage isn’t really a thing for most people!? What?! And if that does happen well it’s just what it is and no point being negative about it. Even when I said I just need time I don’t deal with big change well she was like well this is what you wanted isn’t it.

IVF isn’t something I desperately wanted to do we got told it was the only option and if I didn’t do it before 35 there was good chance it wouldn’t work so I can’t say I was fully excited about it but apparently that’s not a feeling I’m allowed either.

When we left I said to my OH why did you not step in there and he said he didn’t want to hurt his mums feelings so it was obviously fine for mine to be attacked! This isn’t the first time she has been like this but I wasn’t prepared tonight to just pretend I’m fine when I’m not just so she could hear what she wanted to. She is completely void of any empathy or compassion and can’t understand any other view that isn’t her own.

At this point I just want to never see them again but that obviously isn’t an option.

Put her on an information diet going forward. No need for you to share your innermosts any more, MIL has shown you she isn't the right audience.

I understand your hesitancy and caution and anxiety, and offer congratulations with a gentle hug.

You have a DH problem. He prefers your feelings to be hurt rather than his mothers and stands there silently whilst she’s a bitch to you.

What is wrong with some people!?

She clearly doesn't care much for your feelings. How on earth does she treat her own friends, surely not like that?

I'm at the point with my MIL where I just tell her the conversation is over and then distract her with a question about something unrelated. If she annoys me again I just leave and go for a walk, sometimes you just have to protect your own mental health. Do let husband know that you expect and need him to shut down those conversations the second they start otherwise it will always be allowed to happen, mother in law will tell you that your parenting your own child wrong unless you get him to stand up for yourselves.

Well she has just forced your hand, hasn't she?

Minimal information sharing from now on. Keep her at arm's length. No nice little trips to look at baby stuff etc. Tell your H that now is the time to step up and support you.

But most of all, congratulations on your wonderful news. You have every right to feel everything you feel and to take as much time as you need to process all of it.

Why is not seeing her not an option?

Thank you for confirming I’m not just crazy and miserable. I think my OH is actually scared of her but I have given him a right telling about how he can’t just let her go in on me like that. He knows what she’s like and she’s an all boy mum she very much wears the trousers. If it’s not what she would be feeling then it’s wrong basically. I am sensitive but I’m sure it would be normal to read when someone doesn’t want any more questions on the subject. I need to get a bit tougher I think too.

You're being unreasonable to think she's a sociopath based on the exchange you described.
Do you even know what the word means?

You're not being unreasonable to think she's been really annoying. Having said that, I think she might have been trying to be positive and encouraging but it obviously didn't go down well.

Practice saying, "Oh do pipe down Deirdre! You waste so much time being horrid, give yourself the day off and try and be nice for a change!'

Having gone through the IVF mill a few times , I can tell you that mixed feelings are completely normal. You are happy to be pregnant, but you are wary of losing the baby. Your body has already gone through a lot and the hormones are at far greater levels than normal.

As for your MIL, I agree with others saying avoid seeing her or at least talking to her about anything personal.

Wirh your DH, tell him he has to step up and deal with her. You don’t need any extra stress at the moment and he needs to be your protector against that kind of bullshit.

Congratulations! You're feelings are totally natural and normal.

I agree with the others, limit what you tell her. Have a phrase ready to shut her down, even as simple as "I'm not discussing this". If your DH isn't prepared to manage her then it's best not to get into it with her.

Wishing you well on your pregnancy

I think she was clumsily trying to reassure you. She right in her stats but delivered it badly.
Guvef her some slack

I would go absolutely fucking nuclear at my husband. How dare he stand there like a useless dickhead and be happy to see you attacked and your feelings undermined?!

This will NOT happen again and he needs to call her tomorrow to make sure of it.

I feel like with the IVF I’ve had to share far more details with her and others that I wouldn’t have had to if it had happened naturally. She knew about all our treatment dates and would constantly ask for the results. She also thinks it’s then her information to share with other people in her family even when we say not to. Yet when OH’s brother’s wife was pregnant she actually told OH and that he wasn’t allowed to tell me!?

So maybe the title ‘sociopath’ is unnecessary it is definitely said with a bit of jest. It’s more the lack of empathy I don’t understand how someone cannot read a room to that extent. Apologies if that is offensive to anyone I’m not trying to be im just hormonal and feeling attacked for being weak. I would have loved to tell her to F off but I have respect too.

My guess is she's as anxious as you and she thinks that by voicing all the things she has it will not happen. Like a superstition. If I say xyz to you then it WILL be fine.

She also told me that things don’t just ‘go wrong’ and miscarriage isn’t really a thing for most people!?

Then show her these statistics to explain why you're scared:

• in women under 30, 1 in 10 pregnancies will end in miscarriage
• in women aged 35 to 39, up to 2 in 10 pregnancies will end in miscarriage
• in women over 45, more than 5 in 10 pregnancies will end in miscarriage

(Source Miscarriage - Causes - NHS)

Although a better resonse would be to stay away from her. This won't be the end of it, she'll have opinions that she won't keep to herself on breast/bottle feeding, nap times, dummies, being out in the car (bet she'll expect you to be over there regularly) etc.

And if DH complains that you're not seeing her tell him you might if, and only if, he is prepared to step in if she starts at you.

I think you will be seeing very little of this woman until your kid is 37 years old.

Drastically reduce contact with her. Let OH visit her at her place so you don't have to see much of her. You don't need people around you making you feel like shit.

I'm really glad you pulled your OH up on it. If he doesn't understand why you need to keep her at arms length for a while then tell him again how she makes you feel and you can't rely on him to support you so you're going to look after yourself while you're feeling so vulnerable.

Wow you are very much not being unreasonable.

You see I hear her comments on miscarriage were meant to reassure you rather than anything goady. Even with the stats above it does shoe that most pregnancies do continue.

Good luck with you pregnancy.

DH needs a very strong warning. Any more of this, and you’re done with her. Unless you’re prepared to explode, which I would do if there is a repeat of this.

I should add that I had a less awful version of this when I was actually miscarrying - MIL refused to believe it was, and said all would be well. I let DH deal with the phone call three days later when we got back from hospital. We kept silent on the next two mcs and she’s had more sense than to ask why we never told her, or why we left it as late as we did when we told them we were expecting DS2.

I hope all goes well for you and entirely understand how you can’t get excited just yet.

It's not good enough that your DH didn't step in and tell her to stop. I'd be reading him the riot act. You don't have to put up with her bullshit and you were right to stand up for yourself. Stop sharing information with her and look after yourself. It's an anxious time for you and you are entitled to feel what you feel. Put yourself and baby first 💐

My Mil said "oh well, you can try again" when I had a MC
Sometimes people say stupid things when they don't know what to say

It’s a hard one without sharing too much they live close and our business is on their property and there are always lots of family events to attend I can’t just not see them but I think it’s definitely fair to say I will be avoiding those one on one interviews. OH knows and he gets it just annoyingly communication isn’t his strong point. At least I don’t have to live with her anyway!

I would tell her that miscarriage is often caused by defective sperm and if she had created a healthier son, then you wouldn't be having this problem.

If she's going to (unjustly) blame you, you can do the same.

Though it probably is worth noting that if your husband has been drinking alcohol, smoking, eating UPF and leading a generally unhealthy lifestyle during the time you've been trying to conceive, he may well be the cause of your miscarriages and any morning sickness and pre-eclampsia if you suffer from that.

Men really should be upping their game when they attempt to procreate, as they have all the fun, whilst women suffer the physical consequences.