AIBU to think my MIL is a sociopath?

[RLT2]

Currently 8 weeks pregnant after 2 years of failed IVF rounds before one has worked. Incredibly anxious and exhausted to be honest from how long it has taken to get to this point. Have also been feeling very unwell nauseous etc so have been keeping myself to myself needing time to process everything and how I feel. On a lot of hormones so that doesn’t help either.

First time seeing MIL since she found out and she has just interrogated me on why I am not feeling excited and why I am so negative. When I explained (even though she knows very well) how we’ve had so many failures and I’ve had a lot of time to learn about all the possible things that could go wrong I am too nervous to be excited and it is still only early - I then got assassinated and how can I be like this and what’s wrong with me etc etc. It was like a SAS style interrogation.

She also told me that things don’t just ‘go wrong’ and miscarriage isn’t really a thing for most people!? What?! And if that does happen well it’s just what it is and no point being negative about it. Even when I said I just need time I don’t deal with big change well she was like well this is what you wanted isn’t it.

IVF isn’t something I desperately wanted to do we got told it was the only option and if I didn’t do it before 35 there was good chance it wouldn’t work so I can’t say I was fully excited about it but apparently that’s not a feeling I’m allowed either.

When we left I said to my OH why did you not step in there and he said he didn’t want to hurt his mums feelings so it was obviously fine for mine to be attacked! This isn’t the first time she has been like this but I wasn’t prepared tonight to just pretend I’m fine when I’m not just so she could hear what she wanted to. She is completely void of any empathy or compassion and can’t understand any other view that isn’t her own.

At this point I just want to never see them again but that obviously isn’t an option.

"When we left I said to my OH why did you not step in there and he said he didn’t want to hurt his mums feelings so it was obviously fine for mine to be attacked!"

If your husband isn't prepared to protect you, you need to set your own boundaries as she will likely only get worse. I'd reduce contact with her and be clear with your husband as to why. To be frank if my husband behaved like yours I'd read the riot act as it's the type of thing that breaks down relationships. His job is to protect you especially when you're vulnerable, not hang you out to dry.

Seems very early to tell people especially if you're already nervous.

Most people wait until 12 weeks, this pregnancy we waited until 20weeks to share the news as I had a miscarriage before and just couldn't be bothered with people if it happened again.

@graffittimonkey oh as much as I appreciate the support I don’t want to blame my OH as he’s one of the healthiest hardest working guys you could find and it has been a real journey to find a healthy embryo. He is really very supportive and great. Honestly I think the dig would be lost on her anyway as she’s said before to me that it can’t possibly be her DS even though the sperm quality was the only thing that ever flagged as an issue and that it’s probably just because I’m not relaxing ffs.

If communication isn't his strong point, he really needs to work on that before baby arrives!

@RabbitsEatPancakes I agree but unfortunately they knew about our ivf journey as it’s a lot to keep quiet about when it fails over and over again. She was all over the dates and wanting to know the outcome etc. I managed to get DH to wait until after the 7 week scan at least but she was like a dog with a bone needing to know.

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy OP, I really hope that all goes well for you this time.

Moving on, I was disappointed to read your update about the reasons that you can't really cut this woman out of your life, or at least until the baby arrives. In your shoes, that's exactly what I would have done, but can now see why it would be difficult. However, you don't have to attend every family event do you? You could surely plead feeling unwell, or the need to rest, so as not to attend? Other than that, when she speaks to you about your pregnancy, I would just say to her, 'I don't want to discuss this MIL, you may have been trying to reassure me the last time we saw each other, but you really upset me, and unless you've been through miscarriages and IVF, quite frankly you have no idea of how it feels, and so are not qualified to pontificate about the matter. Now, shall we move on?' That way you've shown her that even if she was trying to reassure you, she made a mess of it, and have also cut off further conversations, as if she starts again, you just need to say, 'as I said previously MIL, this subject is not up for discussion, now let's move on'.

You really don't need to share what you aren't comfortable sharing. I did over 5 years of IVF and didn't discuss with my own parents let alone the in-laws. Now you are expecting is a really good time to start practice standing up for yourself because they aren't going to get less intrusive and demanding once their grandchild arrives.

Your sharing way too much info with her why on earth would you tell her IVF dates? Would your DH tell her about your other visits to Dr's and discuss your medical history?!

Learn the lesson from today give small amounts of info when you want to. She has demonstrated to you that she's sees it as her discussion right so stop feeding her.

FWIW it's totally OK to be an ostrich in terms of pregnancy for quite a while, I did it with DS2 til 25 weeks. My MIL was then told about the pregnancy when it could finally be confirmed as no issues. She also made my previous MMC all about her.
Your body your rules simply explain to your DH no further updates on when you have appointments etc.

@Scottishskifun fair enough. DH sees his mum every day and after the first few rounds of IVF failed I actually encouraged him to tell her because she was quizzing why he was down etc. It’s hard. We have good families and felt like we needed support but now feel like it’s being thrown in my face how dare I not be overjoyed when this is what you wanted. Unfortunately give an inch she takes a mile. I’m just going to have to toughen up and not put myself in those situations.

You are NORMAL in this situation! Keep her at as long an arms length as you can. Say as little as possible unless you need to explain that your feelings are VALID and not up for debate.

Good luck with the pregnancy!

It's understandable for you both to want support but it's also really important to put the boundaries in place.
That's what you need to do now.

If she brings it up again you say firmly but politely we appreciate your support but at the moment I need to protect myself given the amount of heartache we have had so would appreciate you respecting that.
But absolutely don't be giving her dates of scans obviously you can tell her after once you are more comfortable but you don't need anyone adding to scan anxiety etc.

It's also worth knowing its normal to not fully enjoy pregnancy especially after heartache. It doesn't mean you don't desperately want or love that baby.
If it reaches high levels of anxiety however then reach out to your midwife there are pre natal teams who can help support.

She's not a sociopath . She's a interfering unsympathetic insensitive bitch .