Chubby Mum aged 40

[Lavenderfarmcottage]

Three glasses of Rose’ and midnight on a balmy night in Australia.

Sorry for using AIBU & MN as my therapy this last month. I can’t afford a real therapist.

Chubby, aged 40, seperated 5 years and haven’t been brave enough to date.

Anxiety, ptsd, emotional eater. Will I ever be slim and beautiful and know what real love & passionate sex is or is it too late.

Is 40 too late for a makeover and to find love. It worries me ill go through my whole life with very few romantic memories.

Mounjaro. Deals really well with emotional eating, takes away all the food noise. Go for it. Life changing.

Just go out and get stuck in

You appear to be equating beauty and weight with the ability to find or deserve love and good sex.

Do you think this might be a mindset barrier?

Op no harm but if you're waiting for "slim and beautiful " to live your life you'll be waiting a very long time because those two things are completely subjective plus you're missing the fact that you are totally worthy and deserving of love and passion and happiness exactly as you are right now.

My advice is to start taking a little better care of yourself, not to lose weight but just to feel good and give yourself a little confidence and put yourself out there. The most important thing in dating at any age is knowing your worth so you know when and who to throw back in the pool.

This is a debate worth having and I’m surprised it’s not more readily discussed. I used to think it was something that could be overcome but now I don’t. I don’t know of any men with women that are overweight, not in the areas I live in or frequent. I used to think beauty didn’t equal being thin but I think I was naive and delusional. I think men go for figure ws much we beauty unless it’s either a fling or there’s more to the story. Being thin is as much about status as beauty.

Reading that title I felt depressed by how you see yourself.

It’s better than ‘Fat, single & 40’

I'm fat, single and nearly 50, but I've learnt to see myself from a different perspective.

When I was slim (uk size 8) and "attractive" i was miserable and in shit relationships. Now I'm closer to a 14 / 16 I'm much happier.
If you want a "glow up" go for it. But do it for you x

I'm Aussie but live in the U.K. Slightly off point, but here the press (and Mumsnet) are full of information about Ozampic and similar drugs and huge numbers of people are on them - including several school mums I know who have gone from slightly over weight to thin in the last year. They e then bought new clothes, new haircuts, etc. But when I was back in Australia for Christmas no one seemed to have heard of these drugs.

If you need some weight loss to re-set your health and self esteem and energy levels, you might want to look into it.

Admin - Can you change the title to

Will I ever get romance & passionate bonking - overweight , single Mum aged 40. Scared of apps.

Jeez 40 is not old. I'm 40 next month and I don't feel old at all. All of the other school mums are also turning 40 and none of them come across as "old". Most of them are now dating, and it seems like this is the age to start finding new relationships. 😃

I had really bad anxiety and I started sertraline around two years ago and life is so much easier now. I am not afraid to talk to people anymore, and if I were to look for a new partner I feel I could actually do dates and stuff now, whereas a couple of years ago I couldn't leave the house. I think get help with the anxiety etc (doesn't have to be meds, it just worked for me) and hopefully the rest will follow. Have a bit of a glow up if you think it will make you feel more confident, and get out there. You have so many years left to have fun. Good luck. 💕

I think the problem is that although many of us will know sexy, desirable, overweight middle aged women, when it’s us, it becomes a massive confidence issue.

OP I would rather be fat single and 70 than thin, 40 and trapped in a toxic relationship. The weight isn’t the issue, neither is the age.

If you believe being slimmer would give you the confidence to get out there and live your best life, make yourself a project.

Loads of ways to go about it these days. I have friends who have had bariatric surgery, who have lost using injections, or slimming world.

Just don’t waste your one precious life trying to be someone else.

If course, Mounjaro, whatever it is.
As long as there's zero effort and discipline involved.
I don't think that's going to make you feel better, OP.
And of course 40 isn't old to get your arse in gear and change the things about your life you don't like!

What wonderful advice, thankyou.

Interesting, yes there’s been a shortage here but it’s also not as common as bariatric surgery yet. I have hashimotos which makes things difficult also. Thankyou, helpful advice x

My post above was meant to quote you.

I've never been beautiful or very slim. Passionate sex and deep love aren't dependent on those two things (luckily for me!) and if you don't even consider dating or making friends with men until you are in your own mind "slim and beautiful enough" you aren't doing yourself any favours. Not wanting to date or whatever is absolutely fine, too, though!

Men worth shagging on a regular basis don't massively care about weight as long as you're healthy. They're usually looking for someone interesting and confident.

Your weight isn't the barrier here, it's your lack of belief in yourself.

If you wanted to lose weight, you would. It's just your mindset that is stopping you. Don't even think about losing weight. Just think about being a bit healthier and happier and you'll probably find the weight will start to drop.

I took up kick boxing aged 38 and still going 7 years later!

The only thing stopping you from finding love and passionate sex is your own self confidence. I and most men I know have been out with women of all different shapes and sizes in our lives. DP isn't the thinnest woman I've ever been out with, nor is she objectively the most attractive one. (Not that I'd ever say that to her, and I really hope she never finds my Mumsnet account!).

She is the one I fell in love with though, the one I feel a closeness with that I've never felt before, and the one that I've had the best sex with, because we've spent 20 years getting to know each other bodies.

40 is still young.

Slim and beautiful does not mean you’ll find real love.

By all means make some changes to your life style if it makes you feel better.

But learn to love yourself and then it’s easier for someone else to love you too.

I'm 45, married, slim and good looking but I'm utterly depressed and if it wasn't for my children I would leave this world as I find no joy in anything in life. I would much rather be like my overweight plain friend who is full of joy and laughter and always sees the beautiful things in life. She has charisma and a bubbly personality and I would love to be her because she loves life and people tend to be happy just being around her. So I guess I have got what you want superficially speaking but believe me it's not worth anything when your mood is black so try to live in the present the way you are now. My friend is plain but when you talk to her she becomes beautiful thanks to her personality whereas it works in the opposite way for me. So if you got an appetite for life then show it and live accordingly and I'm sure many would find you attractive.

Hm, well while ‘thin equals beauty’ is subjective, it’s most definitely not subjective that overweight women find love and get good a bonking – its categorically true.

I can’t think of any overweight women I know who aren’t in good relationships, myself included, and my husband is a bona fide hottie (of the looking for a guy in finance, 6’5, trust fund, blue eyes variety).

Someone above said that the guys that are worth it aren’t interested in your weight, and that couldn’t be more true.

Thankyou, I’m sorry for your challenges and I hope you have a good GP and support. I suppose I agree somewhat but it does put a lot of pressure on your personality and being the overweight stereotype of bubble and kind. I know what you’re essentially saying though and I agree xoxo it’s heartening to hear from
people who really don’t value looks as much as the people he grownup around and are in my circles.

This is just so lovely and inspiring. Thankyou :) I was married for 15 years when I was slimmer but never slim. He was stereotypically attractive as were his friends who all had beautiful girlfriends. Not only did I never lose the kilos I intended but I gained more weight after having a baby and getting an autoimmune disorder. He routinely brought it up in arguments and even after we got married he told me I was unattractive. It’s had an impact on me as have all the criticisms I’ve gotten over the years even from other women & family members. I have an internal conflict about whether I’m attractive.