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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

12 year old DD - panic attack

45 replies

Howdoesitend · 18/01/2025 10:58

Hi - just after some advice re my DD. She’s just finished her first term of Y7, and seemed to have settled in well, made friends, enjoying her lessons etc. No real issues that I’ve noticed so far. However- she’s always been a funny little character. Full of confidence in some ways, and then desperately shy/anxious in situations out of her comfort zone. Incredibly stubborn too if she’s made her mind up about something.

She’s always enjoyed sports, but lately she’s started completely refusing to do any of the competitions. This morning I couldn’t even get her to get out of the car. It’s reminding me of when she was little and refused to wear a coat outside- there was literally nothing anyone could do to persuade her to change her mind. The competitions themselves aren’t the issue - I’m not that bothered really if she doesn’t want to do them - but I am just wondering if perhaps there’s more going on with her than I’d thought. In the interest of not drip-feeding, I do have an autistic nephew and think perhaps I have some traits too. BUT I don’t want to automatically assume there’s neurodiversity going on here, as it may just be hormones/stress of new school/ just her age. So my AIBU is, is this just normal behaviour to be expected for a hormonal tween/teen girl, or AINBU and it is unusual for a neurotypical 12 year old girl, and perhaps warrants further investigation?

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Original poster
Howdoesitend · 18/01/2025 11:58

Just read that back and realised I forgot to say she had what seemed like a panic attack, which is why she refused to get out of the car.

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Growsomeballswoman · 18/01/2025 12:49

If she was stressed, why was she in the car?. Did she not say before she got into the car that she didn't want to go?

Ireallycouldntpossibly · 18/01/2025 12:50

Is the sport gymnastics?

Ireallycouldntpossibly · 18/01/2025 12:52

It’s relevant because there’s still a lot of coercion going on around eating, body image and so on, and she is just at age where this sort of thing kicks in.

It sounds to me as though there is either a child or an adult she is afraid of at this sport.

Hankunamatata · 18/01/2025 12:57

What competitions? Perhaps she needs a break?

Original poster
Howdoesitend · 18/01/2025 14:16

Oh gosh I made it sound like she does loads - she does do gymnastics but that’s purely for fun once a week. It’s a team sport that she plays and it’s the first match they’ve had in a while due to bad weather/Christmas holidays etc. Definitely hear what you are saying re body image etc but pretty sure that wasn’t the issue. Not a coach or other player issue either- I watch from the side the whole time and would pick up on that. She wasn’t keen on going as it was an earlyish start (9.15am) but not unreasonably so- only had to get up at 7.30. She did have the wrong socks on (home vs away colours) which started her off- which is what made me wonder if there was something more to it. Her twin brother would have just shrugged that off.

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Growsomeballswoman · 18/01/2025 14:20

If she wasn't keen on going then why make her go?

Original poster
Howdoesitend · 18/01/2025 14:25

She’s part of a team and not going lets the rest of the team down. The matches are only every so often - it’s not like she’s training all the time and playing every weekend. There’s no pressure on her to do the sports and she enjoys training and playing with her friends, and we don’t force her if she’s not feeling it. I was just wondering if her behaviour today was just one of those things to expect more of as part of normal tween stroppiness…She didn’t play today and that was ok, but the panicked behaviour seemed an over the top reaction.

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Dutch1e · 18/01/2025 14:26

I tend to rule out physical stuff before tackling psychological stuff. My own daughter had a couple of panic attacks and her Vitamin D levels were on the floor.

She was also feeling stressed at that point in her life, but the super-duper megadose Vitamin D given to her by her doctor eliminated the panic attacks and gave her breathing space to manage the stress.

Hankunamatata · 18/01/2025 14:26

Could just be nerves after having a break. Mine moan their ass off about getting up for sat and sun morning matches when they have to get up. But they are keen night before and made a commitment to the team to play the match. And yep sock thing would flip mine. I really wish teams would just keep one colour of sock

Original poster
Howdoesitend · 18/01/2025 14:41

Ooh good point re vitamins. I’ll get her back in a multivitamin to see if that helps - I know I feel better when I take them.

Maybe it was just nerves getting to her and the sock thing just tipped her over. It’s good to know that it’s not completely unusual though. She’s got another match in a couple of weeks but I’ll warn the coach in advance. Just don’t want her to just give up and not try at all when things aren’t perfect.

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LostittoBostik · 18/01/2025 14:44

At her age if she has decided she doesn't want to do something, it's probably not going to happen.
Maybe competitive sport really isn't her thing? It wasn't mine either as a teen.

theallotmentqueen · 18/01/2025 14:53

I hate to say this, but from my own experience I was sexually assaulted (which my parents were not aware of at the time - I only told my mum last year and my dad still doesn't know) when I was 12 and it led to some really dysfunctional behaviour. I'm not saying your daughter is a SA victim, but it is strange for this behaviour to come right out of the blue. It might be worth just having a conversation with her and asking if there's anything upsetting her/ asking if she can think of any causes for this happening.

Original poster
Howdoesitend · 18/01/2025 14:59

@theallotmentqueen honestly she’s never out of my sight. Really sorry that happened to you, but it’s not anything like that. I literally take her, stand and watch and then we come home.

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unlikelychump · 18/01/2025 15:06

Ah I coul have written this post. My 11 is a nightmare at the moment, same circs. Panic attack yesterday at school.

Vit d is a good shout.

I very much hope she isn't autistic. Her sibling both are, but she isn't like them. Bloody stubborn

Original poster
Howdoesitend · 18/01/2025 16:12

Bloody stubborn is exactly the way to describe her! She’s fabulous, don’t get me wrong, but OMG when she has made up her mind about something 🤯So frustrating!

I asked her brothers to find out what’s going on and it turns out she’s had a bit of a fall-out with a friend and is upset about that. I’ve snuggled her on the sofa now and we’ll have a nice evening - hopefully everything won’t feel quite so disastrous tomorrow!

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TheDayoftheJackal · 18/01/2025 20:35

I could have written this post last year!

My daughter started having panics attacks seemingly out of nowhere, refusing to do sports/drama.

After a year of school refusal, panic attacks, not being able to leave the house we have had an autism diagnosis and medication.

We wasted a lot of time thinking 'she'll just get over it'

0pp · 18/01/2025 21:37

How did she 'have what seemed like a panic attack' because she wouldn't move? Refusing to do something (even because of overwhelming emotion) isn't really the extent of a panic attack, which includes all sorts of symptoms. It might well be that she's feeling some anxiety (which is a normal emotion for most people) but choosing for herself what she will and won't do could be just that.

Original poster
Howdoesitend · 19/01/2025 11:40

@0pp because she was in floods of tears, curled up into a ball and wouldn’t move. I’m sorry if that’s not a description of a ‘proper’ panic attack but it’s just how it looked to me. I know that it is likely to just be normal emotions, but it’s unusual for her to react so strongly, hence my question to see if others have experienced this with their 11/12 year old daughters.

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LittleMonks11 · 19/01/2025 11:53

Poor thing. Doesn't sound like a normal reaction - was the friend she fell out with at this match she refused to go to?.

TheWonderhorse · 19/01/2025 12:01

I have a DD12 and there is nothing that upsets her more than issues with friends. It's having a tribe and a place in the world (outside her quite inadequate family 😉). When that's shaken she freaks out a bit.

Time and space and understanding.

Redbushteaforme · 19/01/2025 12:02

Panic attacks about that age with my DD were one of the signs that led to a diagnosis of autism a year or two later. That's the age that many autistic girls who have been masking successfully start struggling to cope socially. Obviously just one possibility for your DD but worth considering.

Original poster
Howdoesitend · 19/01/2025 12:23

The friend she fell out with doesn’t play sports, but I have just realised that another friend who she really likes wasn’t there yesterday - perhaps she was extra nervous about playing. We had a lovely evening snuggled up and she seems happier today- will keep everything low key and hopefully she can sort it out with her friend tomorrow.

Part of the reason I’m wondering re ND is that as I mentioned, my nephew (6) is autistic, and while some of his traits are very clear, there are some other behaviours I’ve noticed in him that I see in my daughter (and her older brother if I’m honest, but not her other brother). Things like my nephew had a meltdown before Halloween as he didn’t want to wear a costume (that he’d been really excited about) - for me, I just assumed that that was something lots of kids did, and that it was quite normal as both my daughter and my son were the same when anxious about something, but then when my sister said it was an autistic behaviour, it did make me wonder. I have been questioning my own behaviour and wondering if I could be autistic (hyperlexic and told I was a childhood genius, straight As throughout school, great job etc but the wheels have completely fallen off a couple of times and I had to take time off work to recover, need days to recover from social events, black and white thinking etc). Not sure I need to have a formal assessment as such (and also not one for self- diagnosis as I think it’s very easy to ‘diagnose’ yourself with lots of things via the internet) - but are these things actually not normal and I’m just assuming they are because that’s what I’m like?! Lots to think about…

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Bbq1 · 19/01/2025 12:38

Howdoesitend · 18/01/2025 14:41

Ooh good point re vitamins. I’ll get her back in a multivitamin to see if that helps - I know I feel better when I take them.

Maybe it was just nerves getting to her and the sock thing just tipped her over. It’s good to know that it’s not completely unusual though. She’s got another match in a couple of weeks but I’ll warn the coach in advance. Just don’t want her to just give up and not try at all when things aren’t perfect.

How much does she really enjoy the sport though if she's having a panic attack before doing it and then can't participate?

Original poster
Howdoesitend · 19/01/2025 12:43

Thing is, she does enjoy it. She loves running around, being with her friends etc. Her older brother is also an anxious type and he had a huge wobble with a new team at the start of this season, and could easily have given up, but I’m so glad he pushed through as he’s found his feet again and is loving it now. I won’t force into anything she doesn’t want to do, but also think that resilience is a really useful skill to learn.

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