12 year old DD - panic attack

[Howdoesitend]

Hi - just after some advice re my DD. She’s just finished her first term of Y7, and seemed to have settled in well, made friends, enjoying her lessons etc. No real issues that I’ve noticed so far. However- she’s always been a funny little character. Full of confidence in some ways, and then desperately shy/anxious in situations out of her comfort zone. Incredibly stubborn too if she’s made her mind up about something.

She’s always enjoyed sports, but lately she’s started completely refusing to do any of the competitions. This morning I couldn’t even get her to get out of the car. It’s reminding me of when she was little and refused to wear a coat outside- there was literally nothing anyone could do to persuade her to change her mind. The competitions themselves aren’t the issue - I’m not that bothered really if she doesn’t want to do them - but I am just wondering if perhaps there’s more going on with her than I’d thought. In the interest of not drip-feeding, I do have an autistic nephew and think perhaps I have some traits too. BUT I don’t want to automatically assume there’s neurodiversity going on here, as it may just be hormones/stress of new school/ just her age. So my AIBU is, is this just normal behaviour to be expected for a hormonal tween/teen girl, or AINBU and it is unusual for a neurotypical 12 year old girl, and perhaps warrants further investigation?

I might be being flippant here but is it not just the socks? My dd was a little older when this kicked in, maybe 13, but she really really wanted to fit in and not stand out. I remember similar feelings as a young teen. She is also very much a rule follower so would have been desperate to go and play (because she was meant to, and she didn't want to let anyone down) and also very worried and furious about the socks. Add in a few hormones and I can well imagine a bit of a meltdown. Ds on the other hand would not have cared at all.

@EveryoneButSam you know what, it could well have been just the socks but she was too embarrassed to say so. Once she’s made her mind up about something, she gets herself into a complete tizz and then doesn’t know how to come back from it so doubles down! Hormones have a lot to answer for.

I’ll keep an eye on her anyway - sounds like it could well be a ‘normal’ reaction for this age with everything she has going on, but if it gets more extreme or frequent then perhaps warrants further investigation.

In not saying it isn't 'proper' or trying to dismiss the distress she obviously felt, but I don't think it sounds as though it has much to do with a panic attack at all. Labelling it that if it's something different won't really help, as it's something else you need advice on.

Edited: you didn't really post about others experiencing extreme crying and curling up in a ball. You only said that when asked what happened. Your title said panic attack, which is a recognised thing.

@0pp Actually I’ve found people’s responses really helpful so far, even if as you say, I’ve used the ‘wrong’ words to describe my daughter’s distress. I wasn’t aware that I needed to describe every little detail of HOW she was showing that she was upset - I’m more concerned about the reasons WHY.

That's fine, but there don't seem to be that many responses and I feel like people will have opened it expecting to give advice about actual panic attacks/disorder and then realised it wasn't that relevant. I nearly said nothing too, but wasn't sure. Obviously you don't NEED to do anything, it's your thread on an anonymous forum, but as a viewer, it strikes me that the title doesn't match what you're looking for. I think mostly the what determines the why, or at least affects it and the reasons WHY a panic attack happens (hyperventilation, heart palpitations, pins and needles, dizziness etc) can be many - most of which don't apply to a preteen girl crying and refusing to get out of the car.

Oh gosh, well I’m terribly sorry that my daughter’s distress didn’t quite match your criteria for being worthy of support.

Did you actually read and comprehend anything I said? It doesn't match the criteria for a panic attack.

Nowhere did I say I didn't sympathise or think she needed some support. I think what you asserted had happened made it difficult.

You said in your op you're keen not to inadvertently ascribe autism or any neurodiversity. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, but I see it's you who has no awareness of the way that can really affect others.

Honestly, I really don’t care that you are angry because I used the wrong description. Perhaps your over the top reaction says more about you than anything else. I’m not sure why you would get so riled up because my daughter was upset and I didn’t describe it well enough for you.

Charming that you don't care, but I'm not angry. I just can't believe how ignorant you are being.

Read about panic attacks, their presentation and their treatment. If you think it applies then that helps.

If you realise it doesn't, then a doctor or someone with actual experience wouldn't agree with you and you'd be looking at something else.

Strangers can't tell you why she's upset. They can tell you it doesn't sound like a classic panic attack.

You can listen or argue. Or probably decide you have nothing else to say because it's your reaction to a reasonable comment that's been unnecessarily defensive.

Have a look at how you're making your daughter feel, because it's certainly not me there making her behave as she is!

Wow. Such vitriol. You might be spoiling for an argument, but like I said, I’m just concerned about my daughter and really not bothered that you are sitting there typing away furiously because I’ve worded it in a way you don’t like. I’ve had some really helpful replies, which I’m grateful for, and I’ll let you carry on with your little rant. Have fun.

You just can't take criticism. As I said, I feel for your daughter. But mainly because you seem oblivious to how you're making her feel and because you're quick to label her when you're lacking in enough knowledge or experience to do that well either.

🙄. Hope you aren’t winding yourself up too much, it is a Sunday night after all and you’ll have school tomorrow.

Don't worry - I'm up for school, because I'm on SLT and need to be in a meeting in 30 minutes. I see behaviours like this all the time from pupils and mislabeling isn't helpful. Parents like you don't help. If you think you're so witty talking to me as you have, who knows how you're making your daughter feel daily.

If you bother to read what I've put previously, you'll see I was offering my experience. This is what you asked for. I've seen and had genuine panic attacks and it's my opinion that the existence of them are a separate issue to your daughter's behaviour.

I can see you won't take anything from this, as you've argued with all my advice about reading up and asking the right questions. Good luck to your daughter. She needs help and isn't getting it.

Perhaps when you are at school, you could sit in on some reading and comprehension classes yourself. As you’ve said, apparently my daughter did not have a panic attack (although quite how you are so convinced, as you weren’t actually there, I’m not sure). But that being established, why would I then go off to research and read all about panic attacks, when what I’m actually concerned about is why my daughter was so upset and how I can help her.

Wow, I'd be mortified if any of the staff at my DD's school were badgering someone online unnecessarily like this in their spare time. Let it lie.

Yes, I’m slightly disturbed that you have a senior role in a school - I really hope it’s not my daughter’s. Luckily I know I’m not a shit parent, despite your efforts to make me admit that I am. Really do feel very sorry for children and parents who come to you looking for support, as you clearly have your own agenda to push, whether or not it’s relevant to them.

How is your girl today OP? My DD went through a tough time at primary but she's doing well at secondary.

This sounds so much like my daughter. She's over 18 now and we talk about 'maybe you do have autism maybe you should go to gp' a lot.

She seems fine, thank you ☺️ We had a lovely day yesterday and she went off to school quite happily this morning. I’m hoping she’ll make up with her friend today too. Training tomorrow so I’ll see how she is then- it could just be that it all got a bit much for her.

@notnorman I’ll definitely be keeping an eye on her and flag it if this behaviour becomes more frequent, thank you.