Is The Detail Of Infidelity Important?

[UnreliableMemory]

I’m sort of sorry to post this but have no one that knows me that I can ask because I’ve never told a soul. 24 years together this week, with two kids. He’s the perfect soulmate, gentle, caring, considerate, ethical, romantic still, attentive, a hard worker, a dedicated Dad and until recently great company. He packed in his own social life when our first was born and devotes all his time to us. But for a time I obviously didn’t appreciate his qualities and during a period of around 5 years which ended many years ago, I had a handful of ridiculous, maybe even risky one night stands. It took me a few years to confess what I’d done but after some counselling and a little turbulent time it looked like we’d put it behind us. However, recently and a lot of years later, he’s become really withdrawn dwelling on that time.When I try and explore what’s wrong with him he wants to know every intimate detail of those encounters.

AIBU to not want to discuss it after all this time?I don’t know what is more damaging, him knowing or me not telling him?

Have you ever had couples counselling?

I think he has every right to discuss this with you if he needs to.
He is the one who has had to adjust his life and try to get past your cheating. The least you can do is talk openly about what happened if that's what he needs to do.

It's classic behaviour, he thought he could forgive you and move on, he probably even wanted to be able to forgive you, but actually he can't understandably because the trust is gone. You can't seriously be surprised.

He may have forgiven you but he obviously hasn't forgotten what happened.

How old are your children? If they are now at a stage where they are more independent, maybe your DH has more time on his hands to think about what you did. Maybe he felt that he had to forgive you and move on when your children were small, but is now re-evaluating your relationship/marriage.

Also suggesting couples counselling.

If years later he's still dwelling on it, then I think telling him the intimate details is likely to fuel that rumination and be more destructive to both people's peace of mind rather than helpful.

What's more important, I think, is to think carefully about why you did it, what you were trying to get out of it, and why you now realise it was a terrible mistake, (including either why you no longer need those things, or how you're getting them from him or others in a way that isn't cheating) so you can communicate that to him and help him to regain confidence in you and be reassured that it won't happen again, and to work with him on how to help him feel more secure and to build trust between you again, and rebuild the attachment and connections.

It's understandable that he needs help to rebuild trust and confidence in the relationship, even years later, if it's still preying on his mind.
But knowing the intimate details isn't the way to solve that, even if that's what he's become fixated on.
A good couples counsellor ( I recommend Gottman trained ones), will hopefully be able to uncover what's really underneath the desire to know

He is the wronged party. He needs to talk it through. You owe him this.

It may result in a split, but not talking with him is likely to have the same result. Give him what he needs and hope for the best.

But knowing the intimate details isn't the way to solve that, even if that's what he's become fixated on. He is the best person to decide what will help him. Fixated has a negative connotation which I think is not appropriate.

Discussing it properly may reveal why you felt it necessary to do these damaging things and that could be positive, increase understanding on both sides and raise areas for change for both of you.

I think try and navigate this with a good relationship therapist, rather than one of you decide what needs disclosing if you want it to work.

If it's factual detail such as how many people, who, where, how did you meet, how long did it go on for , then ok I think you should tell him (with the counsellor). But if it's sexual or emotional detail then put a pin in it until you get someone to help you both discuss the matter with respect and boundary setting. I'd say it's out of the scope of just the two of you. Accept that, seek help approach in good faith.

That’s fair.

Couples counselling and explore it in a safe space. Maybe some counselling on your own first. To truly face up to what you did and why.
The worst outcome is he leaves you - but by avoiding his questions you are already going down that path. You need to switch your mindset that not talking about it saves the marriage.
💐Be brave - you owe him this. The flowers are cos it will be hard. If you want to show him how much you love him then you have to go through this.

It’s definitely something that needs to be explored in a counselling space where you can both freely express your emotions without it turning into an argument or shouting match. I think the nature of the infidelity is probably also driving his need to know more: this wasn’t a stupid meaningless drunken mistake - a series of one night stands is something you have to actively seek out over and over, and I can totally understand him thinking “what were you looking for and what did they have that I don’t?”

But, and as a counsellor will point out, he has to acknowledge that he has chosen not to separate and to work on your marriage. With that also has to come the acceptance that he can’t keep digging this ground over and over, and needs to concentrate on moving forward - and that if he doesn’t think he’s able to do that then he needs to agree to divorce.

He deserves every detail he wants, because he's obviously still working through his feelings on this and needs the details in order to work out whether he can stay in the relationship or not.

You don't have to give him those details if you don't want to, but if so you may as well end the relationship yourself, because it's not fair on him.

Well if you haven't told him when he wants to know you're still keeping secrets and lying to him and your marriage cannot move on and recover (if that's what you both want). If he wants to know you need to tell him.

With respect it isn't as simple as that. As t this stage some control is needed and that can't come from either of the couple. This is if they want it to work.

If you have a discussion where you disclose everything and he asks everything without reflection or boundaries, I think it may spiral and questions may be asked that he will wish he had not asked. Or, you may decide what is best and draw a line so he's left unfulfilled when it could have been discussed delicately and sewn up.

I think the marriage has come this far, it isn't a write off. But this next step is sensitive and I think needs professional guidance. He's asking something specific. You both need to get it right.

I agree with everyone that it needs some unpicking with a professional? Why, all of a sudden, does he want to know details? Is he looking for a way to justify changed feelings towards to you? Has it just all caught up with him as he reaches a certain point in his life (and why?)? I think when looking at this things, the answers may be very difficult to navigate 1:1 so you need to either do counselling separately with the same person, or together, so they can help navigate. But I would say not to just 'go there' alone and don't allow your guilt to think you need to disclose everything. It may not be helpful, it may be helpful to your H (I'm not him) or it may be helpful in helping him leave you if that's what he's looking for. This will take a professional though.

Why, all of a sudden, does he want to know details? - wouldn't anyone want to know? Sounds pretty normal to me.

They can't move on till it is ALL out in the open. Then they have something to work on to try and avoid it happening again.

Well what triggered this now? Is he cheating?

I wouldn't have told him tbh. It was a mistake.
Well, several. It seems like it won't help to go into detail about these things. Unless he wants to split up or is now cheating himself? If I were you I'd say we can go back to therapy if you want to talk about this stuff.

You're a liar and a cheat. You either do whatever it takes to make him feel safe and comfortable or you leave him.

It is your responsibility to be uncomfortable and answer whatever he wants to know. You don't get to take the easy option and avoid.

What has changed? Why is he focusing on this now?

I've never cheated nor been cheated on.

But if I was I'd want to know every single detail. Every time you lied, how you calculated what you needed to say to get away with it. If you pretended you'd been working and how you hid the evidence of the extra mileage you did to cover it. What days, what times, how she kissed you, what she wore, what excited you. I'd want to know every single detail.

This happened years ago but the urge for details only now.

I am not sure the time lag is relevant unless it is simply that there has been more time for it to fester. Who knows whether something has triggered his need for information at this moment?
Either way the OP owes it to him to be honest... he deserves that at least.

She should have either kept quiet or disclosed all right at the beginning.

How can he take steps to avoid a recurrence if he does not have the full facts? He needs to understand what triggered all this ...

I think understanding what triggered is very different from: "I wore purple underwear, then he did this with his tongue, then I did that... That's the kind of detail it sounds little he's after. I'm not condoning what OP did, just that I'm not sure why the sudden interest in detail and whether it's helpful or not.

Can you even remember? I wouldn’t be able to after the passing of so much time.

I think it’s down to him to decide if he wants to know the detail and if he does then you need to give him and honest account, because if he asks you the same questions later and you change the details then you will have instantly affected the trust again.

From what you’ve said it wasn’t just a one off mistake … you’ve slept with several other people whilst in your marriage. I don’t think you get to decide if / when he “should” get over it.

You’ve described him as the perfect partner, but you still disrespected and risked that. He may well be wondering why.

That being said for your relationship to survive then there does need to be a line drawn under it .. but it doesn’t sound like that’s possible. Tbh I don’t know how he forgave you … perhaps for the children’s sake and as PP said he may be thinking about his decision now.

Actions have consequences and you may need to accept he’s in a different headspace with it now.