Is The Detail Of Infidelity Important?

[UnreliableMemory]

I’m sort of sorry to post this but have no one that knows me that I can ask because I’ve never told a soul. 24 years together this week, with two kids. He’s the perfect soulmate, gentle, caring, considerate, ethical, romantic still, attentive, a hard worker, a dedicated Dad and until recently great company. He packed in his own social life when our first was born and devotes all his time to us. But for a time I obviously didn’t appreciate his qualities and during a period of around 5 years which ended many years ago, I had a handful of ridiculous, maybe even risky one night stands. It took me a few years to confess what I’d done but after some counselling and a little turbulent time it looked like we’d put it behind us. However, recently and a lot of years later, he’s become really withdrawn dwelling on that time.When I try and explore what’s wrong with him he wants to know every intimate detail of those encounters.

AIBU to not want to discuss it after all this time?I don’t know what is more damaging, him knowing or me not telling him?

Regrettably I was in that position a few years ago. My instinct was to disclose as little detail as possible, probably to try and save his feelings and my embarrassment. But over time he was obviously concealing his own hurt and supressing his resentment and it just built up. About 7 years after first disclosing my infidelity it began with odd questions about details of specific events. The questioning became more frequent and incessant, and although part of me wanted to tell him, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him the intimate detail he wanted (and some of it I just couldn’t remember). Our relationship eventually broke down after 21 years. I deeply regret that and I miss him and our relationship every day even now. Remarkably though we remained friends and recently went traveling together as friends. In that time it became clear he still desperately needed to know and although difficult to come to terms with, I began to understand why. Firstly, not telling him was keeping up the dishonesty, the cheating, the secrecy and the betrayal/feeling of being excluded. That caused him to create things in his imagination that just didn’t happen and the only way of dispelling those thoughts was to tell him really what happened, as far as I could remember, even the sordid detail. Secondly, his trust of me in every context was severely damaged and his trust of others had/has been damaged. I realised when we were friends, that his confidence and self esteem had taken a battering. Until we went traveling at least, he was a very lonely looking bachelor. Thirdly, and honestly, after years of keeping it in myself sitting opposite him across a table with a beer at his request I unloaded everything and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from both of our shoulders. Over days that followed, the odd supplementary question just felt like telling a friend. We’ve been back now nearly 9 months and not a cross word between us. I know it’s over and that is very hard to live with, but knowing there is trust now between us as the closest friends we could possibly be means everything to me. For your sake, his and probably the benefit of your children be honest, as hard as it might be. It will be worth it.

I would recommend seeking a specialist counsellor for both individual and couples therapy. It seems he is ruminating and likely experiencing flashbacks, which are common symptoms of PTSD. This situation needs to be fully explored, so it's time to face the issue and start the healing process for both of you.

It could be as simple as that he compartmentalised while the children were younger for fear of ‘losing’ them, only seeing them (at most) 50% of the time, so he managed to put it in a box and lock it away until they got older. Now it’s all resurfaced again when he’s no longer in survival mode…

Also you have to be realistic - this may well be the end.

If you don’t give him the honesty he needs, it’s probably over. But if you do, he may not be able to handle what you tell him, even with couples counselling, and it may still be over.

Unfortunately, you can’t undo what you did. Nor can you control his reaction to it, now, in 10 years, or ever.

I'm guessing your children are teens and older now? Becoming more independent?

Some people do suppress their feelings to remain together for their children - and you've said he's been a devoted father and husband.

But I expect right now if children are growing their own wings he's either worried you'll stray again and wants to test the water about why you did previously or he no longer can pretend it doesn't matter as much and is planning your separation.

Personally I couldn't (and didn't!) stay with someone that cheated - whatever the reason and details. So fair play to him for giving it a shot.

If you see a further together if that's what he decides you are going to have to give him the information he needs.