Partners hobby annoys me

[Crosswind22]

So the title is a bit misleading because it doesn't annoy me the majority of the time but it mean he is gone alot most weekends. I'm 28 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old and I have Sciatica and recently horrible headaches. He had a 4 hour run planned since last week obviously this was fine when it was planned. This morning when his alarm was going off at 4.30am and he couldn't hear it so our DC woke up just after 5 and he needed to leave as soon as. I woke up with a terrible headache, I was up most of the night with back pain and leg cramps and DC was having a hard time because she didn't want her Daddy to go.

He got his back up because I was in a mood about the situation. Like he thinks I have a problem with his running, I don't. I just thought it was all a bit much this morning and probably came across selfish. I ended up giving DC my phone for YouTube and going back to bed for an hour l, got her up to eat and I had to lay in bed because my head was splitting. On top of this he has the car and I need to get some things in the shop but walking is so tough right now with my back pain. I'm just feeling hard done by maybe.

So how do I explain it's not the hobby I have a problem with? Maybe it's a bit of jealousy as hes with his mates and will probably go for breakfast etc after and I'm really struggling at home. We both work full time too and he does try to make his runs for early in the morning so hes not gone alot but I'm noticing that after the week, I really need a lay in. Am I just being a nag?

Have you spoken to the midwife about the headaches ?

If you need a lie in, have you asked your oh to arrange to run in the afternoon or when it would better suit you?

Can you give him as shopping list of the things you need, that he can pickup on the way home?

I think it's when situations change that things get tricky.

You agreed to him going off this morning and he was looking forward to getting out. However, you didn't know that you were going to have the night from hell. And then the day from hell!

He couldn't face not going, because he works full time, has a wife and child and just wanted a Saturday morning doing something fun.

You can see how it all goes pear-shaped very easily. Yes he has been selfish. Maybe you could talk later about what to do in these situations as they are bound to crop up again.

Also, please tell me he will be back at lunchtime to look after your dc and you will be able to go to bed??

He needs to sleep downstairs or in a spare room, tell him from me he is a massively selfish git to wake you up. Have you spoken to the Dr/ midwife about your headaches. Not wishing to scare you but they can be a sign of pre eclampsia after 20 weeks.

Forgot to add:

yes massively unreasonable of him not to have a quiet alarm and to hear it! Awful. What a bastard!!!

I remember those days of wanting to murder ex-dh for waking a sleeping child as he left the house.

I assume he didn't do this when you had a newborn, otherwise why would you be having a second.

So time for a calm conversation, that you are ill and therefore need support. That you both need to work out a plan so you are not alone with the toddler when you feel ill

I think he should be a bit more supportive. Agree he needs to sleep in a different room so his alarm doesn't wake you. It's cheeky and inconsiderate.

I think men should come with warning labels, so if they've got a runner, golfer, cyclist or gamer label you know to leave them on the shelf if you want an equal parenting relationship.

But, in seriousness. Babies become real to men when they're born. It's real for you now because it's making you feel like dog shit and you resent him for being able to prance off and carry on like normal while your body is exhausted growing a human. He needs to understand that his role as dad has started now and he needs to prioritise you and the baby, even if that means putting his hobby to the side or changing it round a bit.

It's not his hobby you have a problem with, it's the childcare avoidance.

Lots of parents take their children with them in a runny buggy when they exercise.

Other parents run close to home to ensure the car is available for use.

Most people don't set an alarm for hideously early and then ignore it until the rest of the house is awake.

Decent husbands of pregnant wives take on more responsibility around the home and more childcare of existing DC to allow their pregnant partner to rest.

Your DH is avoiding childcare, he's avoiding supermarket shopping and other necessary household chores to do his fun hobby, simply because it's more fun.

He needs to accept he's a husband and father now and that you need to rest and he should be doing all he can to facilitate that, not pissing off for most of Saturday and leaving you in pain, to do childcare and the supermarket shopping without a car 🙄

He's a selfish dick.

He’s a selfish twat for leaving you at 5am to look after a toddler with a splitting headache.

I suggest you take up a hobby that involves leaving the house as soon as your toddler wakes up, and keeps you out half the day. Even if it’s just sitting in a cafe with a book. Would he accept this?

He needs to be more considerate with the alarm, but I think going so early is a good thing. He’ll be done by 0930ish, the shops are barely open then anyway. You have the whole day together.

I think you need to be more worried about your headaches. You should see the gp

I wouldn’t head out to a hobby and leave my dh when he was feeling poorly, to struggle on with a baby that I’d woken up.

If I had taken the car, I’d be checking to see if we needed anything while I was out. If not for breakfast I’d bring coffee and something nice home after.

That’s a minimum standard of decent humaning.

@Tcsha most of the time yes he's back early so it's not too bad! It's more waking up the toddler. But today unfortunately he has a 40 minute drive to get to the starting point of the run, then after 4 or so hours, a sauna and cold bath then after that probably breakfast. Lol.

He doesn't do this every weekend (the sauna and breakfast) but the runs yes. I just think after last night and then this morning it was a bit much and he didn't even have a minute to ask me how I was or even a text so it's like he can leave the home and forget about the state he left it in and come back all buzzing from his morning.

I don’t think you can be a bastard for not hearing an alarm. It’s annoying when that happens and I sympathise as I often have to tell my DH his alarm is going off as he’s a much deeper sleeper than me. Likewise, he has occasionally woken me up to tell my alarm is going off.

It’s not a bastard issue though because it’s not intentional. Nobody is choosing not to wake up so they can deliberately disturb the rest of the family.

@StormingNorman i agree there I have done it myself. It is annoying though!

@Crosswind22 Definitely see your GP about headaches.. MIL had serious pre eclampsia and severe headaches were a symptom.

It sounds like your pregnancy is getting more difficult. Like PP have said, I would see the doctor to get your headaches checked out.

In the meantime, you could try white Tiger Balm and Kool N Soothe Migraine patches to help ease the headaches. They are menthol based topical treatments so shouldn’t be harmful to the baby.

It might be time to have a chat to your husband about his runs. Organised runs/races which it sounds like this is aside, I’d ask him to cut back or change his training programme to do more shorter intensive sessions, hill sessions etc so he gets to keep working on his fitness and running without having the long run every weekend.

The pregnancy is affecting your body so much it’s a very small ask to change his programme.

On a practical note, could you ask him to stop at the shops on the way home to pick up the bits you need? Or ask him to take the kids while you nip out for them…and lunch/ quick visit to a friend/ coffee.

Hope you feel better soon!

@oakleaffy i have been worrying a little about this but my midwife appointment was all well just last week and I have no other symptoms. Unless it can come on over a week...

Glad you were ok! 👍

..MIL had her pre eclampsia before I knew her, of course, but she told me of it. {she had to be hospitalised}

I think they check urine for protein &c

Headaches are horrible- I used to get them a lot, and couldn't take pain meds for them while pregnant.

It must be so hard wrangling a toddler while being pregnant, too.

Men seem to be able to sleep through ANY ⏰ alarm, yet awaken the entire household at an ungodly hour while they snooze on.

Tbh I think he's a selfish arse. Hobbies that take up a lot of time are fine then you're not a parent to young kids, but are massively problematic when it means leaving their share of the work for the other parent to do and when those hobbies actively cause problems for the other parent. Like when he can't get himself up and ready quietly!

I would have put a stop to this ages ago and certainly if my dh had woken us all up.
You're making a rod for your own back if you let him carry on like a single bloke who doesn't have to be inconvenienced by a pregnant, unwell wife and his own kids!

I don’t want to worry you. You need to get your blood pressure checked. If you don’t have a machine to do it most chemists will be able to check it. Pre-eclampsia can come on quite quickly. The headache is probably just due to stress or not enough sleep but you do need to check it. It is worth buying a blood pressure monitor to keep at home. Not expensive from places like Amazon.
i feel for you with the running but hopefully he will be home by mid afternoon and then DC is all his and you relax.

Your whole tone is simply WRONG.

You are trying desperately to be a cool fun wife and to please him for some unfathomable reason. Is he doing the same for you? Desperate to make sure you like him?

He is a father who has equal responsibility for his child and his child to be as you do.

You had a shit night, so plans had to change, tough shit. That's what you sign up to when you decide to be a parent.

An alarm going off at 4.30 waking everyone up is INSANELY selfish. It's literally ridiculous.

So he has a drive, a 4 hour run this morning, a sauna, a drink (lol) wtf . What are we talking here - 7 hours free time?

What are you doing for your 7 hours free time tomorrow op?

An audible alarm which wakes others is so unnecessary now. Smart watch or cheap Amazon vibrating alarm watch will stop others being woken by the alarm. Having all his stuff ready and as far away from others as possible including brushing teeth in the kitchen if that's the only option is also really important. Waking everyone up at an ungodly hour for anything other than necessary work is completely selfish. Anything more than a one off banging headache in pregnancy needs checking.

What are you doing for your 7 hours free time tomorrow op?

This!!

You’re not being a nag, that’d piss me off too. How often does he go on 4 hour runs? Is this an every weekend thing?

I guess him planning the runs really early so he gets back early is kinda decent but from now on, when this is happening, him and his alarm stay downstairs on the sofa for the night so he doesn’t wake everyone else up.

He could also make sure some are evening/afternoon runs, so he can look after DC in the morning and you can stay in bed.