Worried about my quiet and introvert DD

[Newname85]

she is 16. Has a couple of friends. None in her new A levels school.

She seems ok, high achieving at school, etc. But doesn’t do parties or anything. Hangs out with a just couple of old friends - but very rarely. Comes home straight from school most days - practices music (plays 2 instruments to a high standard) or art (her new passion)

I can’t help but wonder how she’ll cope at Uni and whether she’ll even make friends. How will she find a partner is she is this quiet and not social ?

No where does the Op say or even allude to her daughter being unhappy

it looks to me like the op is unhappily married and worried about her dd marrying the first person she dates

My thoughts are is she happy? Ds moved schools for Alevels and has a small group of friends. Is happy going surfing, pottering at home etc. he does have hobbies but is quiet really. However this is who he is and he is happy. The thoughts that they should be out at parties is not how he and his friends are. Ds is quite self sufficient in his own skin and happy as he is, he would never want a huge group of loud friends. if she is happy great, if not then look at how you can help her gain confidence and social skills. She has time before uni and still early days in a new school. In took ds until year 13 to really feel he had a small but good friendship group.

Autism is often easily missed in girls. But a diagnosis can be life changing simply in terms of understanding (both for the autistic person about themselves and for the people around them). It's not a rude question and can be worth considering. I'm not suggesting this to the OP from what she said about her daughter, just agreeing with others that there's nothing wrong with considering it (if there were other traits such as sensory issues and rigidity of thinking).

If half the world is extrovert then surely the other half is more introvert? She sounds delightful. Why is partying considered the norm?

as for “is she autistic” - why on earth?!

My DDs and I are like this. We're all happy and very functional. All in happy relationships. All with a handful of close friends and a wider circle of acquaintances. Don't worry about uni. She'll find her tribe

But the OP doesn't say her daughter is struggling! If her daughter is comfortable with how she is then it doesn't matter anyway.

It’s about being happy, we are not all the same. Some people get enjoyment from their own company and there is nothing wrong with that.

Exactly

Is she happy?

We had our ups and downs, but overall I’m happy with him. I just got lucky.

How would a diagnosis be lifechanging? Why would the OP's daughter need to understand herself anymore than any one else without a diagnosis if they are living their life to suit them anyway?

Really?
So why so worried your daughter will marry the first man she dates?

But there is nothing in the OPs description to suggest autism. And I say this as someone with l late diagnosed autistic adult in my nuclear family. I absolutely understand the impact of late diagnosis.
Introversion does not equal asd. I think the OP needs to talk to her daughter!

She seems happy, but she isn’t the kind who will come and talk to me about her problems. My other daughter - for small issues - will demand I speak to the teacher and sort out things.

If she's happy, she's happy! Much better than spending years trying to mould herself into something she isn't.

No point being in a miserable relationship because somehow society seems that "better" than being happily single. Anyway these days quieter, more introverted people can find each other more easily through niche interests on the Internet.

Does she have to go to university? She could get a level 4 apprenticeship after her A levels and make money while she learns. If she's not a sociable type she won't benefit from the nightlife that comes with uni and this way has a good chance of making friends while she learns and earns.

Is she happy? That's all that matters

If she is, then I wouldn't worry

If she isn't, then perhaps look for ways to boost confidence and self esteem, to develop social skills. My nephew blossomed after a few months volunteering in a charity shop. Talking to strangers was great experience for him. With confidence and self esteem, friendships will follow

I think youre projecting, OP. You don't want her to be you, hence your worries about her

Hi, genuine question…please could you explain what difference a diagnosis made and how it would have helped avoid the difficulties? I am trying to decide whether to seek a diagnosis for my DC. They do ok at school with a bit of understanding from teachers, so not sure what the advantage of the “label” would be or what it would change. We have discussed the possibility that Autism might be the reason they find certain things difficult.

Your dd sounds so similar to my ds1. He started uni in September in a different city 3 hours away. I was so worried I dove dh nuts. He isn’t great at putting himself out there very quiet in company.
He is doing great. He doesn’t has made friends with similar interests and he says it’s cool they are as socially awkward as me mum. Three of them have just reserved their student flat for next year. He found uni much easier to meet people than school because there are clubs and societies for just about everything so easy to meet people with similar interests and on your course you are surrounded by people right away that have something in common because you all chose that subject.
You will worry but she will find her way. Equally she may be happy as she is which is fine too.

Work on building your relationship with her so your sure she has a safe space to go to if she does ever struggle.
She will no doubt find her people at uni I'd she goes and have a ball in the orchestra or something! Your worrying too much - we aren't programmed to be able to maintain more than a few close friendships at any one time anyway.

This.

OP's daughter sounds like me, whilst it is certainly likely I'm autistic, it isn't something I'd follow up. This is because I'm happy and comfortable with myself, the biggest thing is that me being different is an issue for other people, they don't like it, and they don't understand it. getting a diagnosis wouldn't change that, and also, what if someone isn't autistic and they are just happy, quiet and introverted? What then?

Some people need to accept that you can be happy and fulfilled when you're quiet, introverted and don't follow the crowd, you don't need a label, a diagnosis or need fixing. Just accept them for who they are and let them be happy.

I wondered about that too. Our society is built for extroverts. I've never seen a thread where the parent of a lively party going child worries that they'd be happier sitting quietly at home

Some people don't want to party. And that's ok

It sounds to me that she is a little introverted, like many people are. She may find that socialising drains her, rather than being fun!

Please get a diagnosis for her if you have any suspicions she might be asd. It's not a 'label' it's a medical diagnosis and one that will help her understand herself and any challenges she may face in the future. It will help her in jobs where she will she can ask for reasonable accomodations but most importantly she won't have to struggle through life wondering why she feels different! Autism with a diagnosis far less of a disability!!