Is it normal to hoard money after trauma?

[OneSpryCyanFox]

I experienced some traumatic events last year, particularly financial and emotional stability, and I’m concerned about how it’s affecting my relationship with money. It’s led to this strong urge to save and hold onto money as a way to feel safe. I know some people might see it as being overly cautious but I wonder if this is a common response for others who’ve experienced similar situations.

Is it normal to feel like you need to hoard money after going through trauma or is this something I should work on letting go of? Have others experienced this and how did you find a balance between saving for security and actually enjoying life?

I personally like to have 6 months worth of bills/food etc in the bank, incase I can’t work for some reason.
How much would you feel comfortable having, or is it never enough?

I've never really thought about it but I know a few people who hoard money, one who always has £1000 in cash in case of an emergency. What kind of emergency I don't know. All 3 have experienced trauma and have experienced poverty.

Yes we have a box hidden away with some money in. Just enough to shop with in emergency

I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever feel like it’s enough. The trauma I went through has made me hyper-aware of how quickly life can change, so even when I hit certain savings milestones, there’s still this lingering feeling of needing more for security.

Did you arrive at the 6 month figure as a personal choice or was it something you learned from financial advice? And do you ever feel tempted to go beyond that or does it feel like the right balance?

This is very normal. If it starts to interfere with your life though or feels out of control, I’d recommend getting therapy.

I totally understand that. My financial independence is important to me due to being stuck in a horrible situation when I was younger and not being able to leave.

I'd say I'm careful with money but not tight.

I understand hoarding cash. When COVID kicked off I had a few niggling fears about the banking system going down/cash points being empty. This was before we had definitions of Key Workers.

I think it can be normal to want a safety net after trauma. The most common amongst people I know was those who have experienced domestic abuse and want a permanent escape fund for any future issues. But not to the point where they won't buy a coffee, replace worn shoes etc.

I thinknits natural to want to protect yourself after an event but just make sure your not going over board.

The 6 month advice is generally what is recommended by financial people likes of Martin Lewis etc.

I keep 2 pots a emergency fund pot and a holidays/house repairs pot.
I do save a lot in comparison with friends (my aim is a 3rd of my salary a month) but also book holidays etc.

Yeah I think that's normal I am not a high earner and had an expensive divorce and was on the bones of my arse.
Since then I have a fear of getting that bad again but it's slowly easing off but I am careful with money

I think a being frugal and cautious with money is a natural response to having that sort of trauma in the past, but as to whether it is a good response or a bad response depends on whether you are hoarding like a dragon or saving like Aesop’s ant.

The six month thing was something I decided upon myself, I’d be even happier if I had 12 months worth. It came from seeing colleagues need operations etc, and our sick pay is rubbish, it’s something like 1 month full and 1 month half pay, then SSP.

Yes, absolutely. I never want to not be able to pay my bills again.

It's very normal and likely not really about money per se (as evidenced by your feeling that it'll never be enough) and more about feeling like you are taking control of something when life has gone off the rails.

I'd say it's a problem if it's stopping you from enjoying life or treating yourself at all. It's good to have a cushion but not to the point you become a miser. Having 6 or even 12 months of savings is sensible but you need to know when to stop and enjoy your life now.

Normal to feel unsettled and want the money to be there as security. And ideally everyone who can should try and build up an emergency fund of 3-6 months of outgoings.

But if you are living drastically below your means and it's affecting quality of life or your ability to buy the things you need, then you want to look at addressing it. Say your boiler went and you couldn't allow yourself to spend part of your savings on a new one - that would be an issue.

Make a budget for essentials, savings and fun and give yourself permission to spend the fun money.

The standard financial advice is 3-6 months in cash ISA. So you can get to it in an emergency straight away, and it won't be wiped out by a stock market blip just as you need it. Then they say to start putting money into investments, but how much that should be is very much a 'how long's a piece of string' question. It all depends on what you put into your pension, what stage of life you are (a couple of babies in nursery won't leave much room for saving!) what you plan to do with the money, do you want to retire early etc etc.

Think about it though. Would you ever feel happy?

What’s the number?

Ie. If you had a 100,000 or even a million would you feel secure.

If you have a goal fair enough keep going. If you just have an irrational fear of spending any money then I would try to resolve that.

It’s very normal.

It is only really problem if it’s causing anxiety and/or you’re depriving yourself what you need and living in hardship unnecessarily.

Is it normal to feel like you need to hoard money after going through trauma or is this something I should work on letting go of?

It’s both, it can be a form of hyper vigilance which is a trauma response, remembering that trauma responses are about finding a sense of safety. It serves a purpose and most likely will ease off naturally once you’ve been able to make sense of the traumatic event. If you’re finding it’s getting out of hand (eg not spending on essentials for fear of not having money in the bank) then it might be useful to seek therapy to address the trauma.

Hi OP, sorry about the financial trauma, it sounds horrible.
It is understandable and in some ways reasonable to be much more careful of money after an experience like that. I wouldn't look at it as a bad habit you need to get rid of, more as an inclination that you need to balance against your desire to have a reasonable comfortable life whilst living within your means.
If all you are doing is creating some savings so to cushion any future crisis, that is completely sensible.

You’re absolutely right - it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot. I think the fear comes from the uncertainty of life after what I’ve been through, rather than a specific number. Even if I had a million, I wonder if I’d still feel that lingering fear of what if.

I think having a clearer goal could help give me more focus and balance, rather than just saving for the sake of it. I definitely don’t want to get to a point where I’m so focused on hoarding money that I stop enjoying life.

As a mental health professional once said to me, it's not about the condition you have, it's about how it affects you.
What do you mean by "hoarding money"?
One wo(man's) hoarding is another's saving.
If you are banking every half penny you earn and living off bread and dripping, not turning the heating on and declining all social invites because it will mean spending some of your hoard, then you probably have a problem.
If, however, you are careful with your funds so that you can build up a financial buffer, but still giving yourself a treat here and there, I'd call that learning from experience quite honestly.
Life can turn on a sixpence and it is always good to have a cushion, if you are able.

An interesting question.
About 10 years ago, I was a single parent living in relative poverty. It wasn't my choice and it left me with a feeling of being inadequate as a person and as a parent.
I'm now in a better position, financially. I earn well but I'm self employed. I am not a home owner. Both of those things continue to make me feel insecure.
My way to manage this has been to save to build resilience but I am aware that the goal figure for savings keeps rising. This is partly due to market forces for renting and partly due to getting older and potential illness making me unable to work. I still feel exposed that I could quickly be made homeless with no earned income.
I am aware that this insecurity impacts my life and mental wellbeing. I am luckly to have family who would help if I were to face homelessness.
I try to balance the saving with the need to live a nice life. So I do have holidays and meals out on occasion. But I do find it hard to spend money and tend to go for Martin Lewis' mantra "do I need it? Can I get it cheaper?" 😁

I hoard food i used to be married to an addict who would regularly steal all my money which in turn would mean I would go hungry .fast forward 20 years new marriage and I still make sure that I have enough food in the house that if for some reason I didn't have enough money my children wouldn't go hungry between the cubbourd and freezer for at least 2 month.

Post divorce and in a domestic violence relationship the bank debated whether I could afford to be lent to. (The irony being I had been paying solicitors fees monthly plus a mortgage nearly double what my repayments would be in the new mortgage)

it was very stressful and money was incredibly tight. I did get a mortgage but only some of it was repayment, some interest only.

this has left me post trauma, determined to pay off my mortgage early and be more financially stable. I don’t put it in savings I pay mortgage overpayments. It is almost like an addiction for me but I do try and balance it with some fun money but certainly I’d agree with you it makes you more focussed that others may be to make yourself feel ‘safe’

I'm currently sitting on what to me is wealth beyond my wildest imagination.

In MN terms, it's nothing. But I have had over two grand of less than nothings before now - and three occasions where I've been at the brink of everything crumbling, only to miraculously pull something out of the bag to save the day (and then gone straight back to having nothing, just not less than nothing for a couple of months). I also grew up in a squalid house with nothing because there was no money. I was The Poor Kid the others mocked.

The first time I had £36 in my account the day before payday felt nice. The first time I had £300 in my account felt better. So I launched into three years of 70+ hour weeks to get a bit more of that feeling. The Thursday I looked at my account and saw a thousand pounds felt like the greatest day ever and as I was paid the next day, I then slept until 3.45pm on Saturday, catching up on some of the thirty years of sleepless nights.

I laughed when I saw ten grand. Too tired to do anything with it, mind, and I resented spending anything that might take me below that magical number. I did start to take my foot off the accelerator in terms of overtime, though. Just 50 hour weeks instead. And working every holiday.

I'm years on from that and I still baulk at spending £500. Because it would make the still increasing numbers go down. I've actually taken all my leave so far since September for the first time and only do about 5-10 hours of overtime a week. I've even left work on time some days.

But there are still things that objectively I know we need. Flooring upstairs, a not broken bed. But that would mean spending money and the numbers would go down. I don't get a buzz from buying, I get a tiny buzz from the numbers going up. I feel safer when the numbers go up.

I'm debt free, I don't have to think about any day to day purchases, I'm not going to have my card declined at the till or my bank account closed after I've been paid with my money disappearing into the banking system for weeks afterwards. I don't need to lie to apply for a loan knowing that I'm going to be using it to service debts incurred on survival, to steal bog roll from work or creatively account for a packet of tampons in petty cash by 'losing' the receipt from the Post Office. I could go on holiday, buy an expensive handbag, spend whatever I wanted on clothes or makeup or decide to go skydiving.

But it's only seeing the numbers going up that gives the safe, warm feeling. Because it could all come crashing down again one day if I ever let those numbers go down.

So yeah, OP, I absolutely get it. I know why I'm doing it and whilst it's not necessary, I think it is a perfectly reasonable reaction to over 40 years of poverty.