Would no acknowledgment of your struggles annoy you ? From MIL

[digitales]

I've really stopped opening up to my mother in law / in law family about things being a lot- A LOOONG time ago.

I always found them very very dismissive and I would go away feeling quite hurt by that. There was one particular time, both my children were very sick and my DD who was 2 at the time, just wasn't getting better for ages and I was very very worried about her. I was very down and sad and I broke down in front of MIL who told me to move on and ' be strong ' and we're all been there and worse.

Similar things have happened and been said by SIL, any time I've been a bit vulnerable - she's been very dismissive of my feelings.

Anyway, I have a lot on my plate- as do all working parents really. But I also have a very absent husband- due to work and I suffer a chronic illness too.

My mum tries to support me morally as much as she can and also practically, as does my husband, as much as he can.

My mum happened to mention to MIL how we've all got a lot on our plate and explained how stressful things are, especially because of my illness etc. apparently MIL had none of it and just dismissed everything my mum said and said that she ( MIL ) had it way worse and did all of it too and it's just a question of being organised.

I told my mum, there's just no point in even trying to get sympathy about any of it from in law family as they just don't care. It's left me again, feeling pretty down about our relationship.

MIL complains a lot about different things and expects sympathy- which I give. Same as my SIL, I'm always giving a listening ear to everyone and putting emotional energy into validating their concerns, being supportive of their feelings, but NO ONE ever does it back to me. I feel pretty hurt really.

I literally don't want much to do with them, as I feel like they literally don't give a shit.

Am I unreasonable to not want to spend too much time with people like this ? And to also stop putting energy into being kind and validating and supportive of them, seeing as they just don't do it for me?

First thing is to withdraw the listening ear.

Restrict contact and if they complain just use the 'be strong move on' that they like to use on you. Can your husband change uis job so he works closer to home or is away less (I'm the child of a sailor and him being away for huge chunks of my childhood has severely affected our relationship both then and now.)

At the moment it's a bit tricky. He is around at weekends etc. he just leaves quite early before the kids get up and gets home late but he's trying to come back home a bit earlier.

It depends. Are all of your interactions just one or both of you moaning about how hard life is?

I expect telling you to be strong when the kids were ill was her trying to be helpful. And frankly, you do have to be strong when your kids are ill. As much as you may want to fall apart, you do need to be strong for your children.

Why is your husband so absent? When he is there do you get a chance to have some down time or is it just another person you have to take care of?

I don't think I'd expect that level of support from my in-laws in all honesty. As lovely as they are, we just don't have that kind of relationship and I'd feel really awkward about opening up to them about anything too personal - I appreciate that might just be me though!

I think you need to stop providing a listening ear for them too - that's not your job.

No not at all. In fact I don't bring things up. MIL complains a lot and asks for sympathy for her other children - a lot. Poor BIL had to work from home while he had a cold, kinda thing. She really did say that to me and was miffed when I didn't respond, exactly the way she wanted me to.

That day when I broke down I was really really struggling. I had post natal depression and I'm always strong as hell for my kids through everything, but I'm only human. Having a cry and needing a shoulder sometimes, doesn't make you weak or not strong for your kids !

I can understand that the sick 2 year old was very worrying, and I'd definitely have sympathy for that.

But I must admit, I do get a bit eye rolly when people struggle with just day to day life. Working and having children and keeping on top of daily life just seems normal to me, not "struggles" (very aware I'm probably sounding like your MIL now!). I have chronic auto immune disease plus a husband that pre covid when the kids were little was away from home 7am-7pm, so I had to do all the stuff for the kids plus working and that was just life, and it wasn't a struggle. And generally everyone else I knew was the same. So I'd probably be a bit inclined to say that you need to work out why you struggle with normal life, and put something in place to mitigate that. If it's the school runs for example, would afterschool club help with time pressures? Or if it's the meal planning, maybe use Gusto or a meal planning app. Or if its the housework then setting up systems (like TOMM) and delegating to DH what can be done whilst he's there, if it's laundry, think about using a laundry service or make that DH's job at the weekends etc. Is your DH leaving everything to you?

I think it's more important to fix the root cause of struggles than it is to keep plodding on miserably. Normal life shouldn't be a struggle and you deserve to be happier day to day.

Having a cry and needing a shoulder sometimes, doesn't make you weak or not strong for your kids !

Of course it doesn't.

But I do think that, when you know what your MIL is like, the best way to handle things is to adjust your own behaviour, not expect her to change hers.

She's never going to provide the comfort and shoulder to cry on that you want - so stop expecting her to.

I think you need to start protecting yourself - immediately minimise contact with them & lean on your family for support instead. People like them never change so unfortunately its on you to break the cycle. Don't be made to feel guilty. Stand your ground.

Ah, I'm seeing that MIL has no sympathy for you but lots of sympathy for others. That sucks.

Eh I just said that I never say stuff to her anymore, since that incident. Two years ago..

It just happened that my mum had a chat and it's brought it back and just how dismissive she was, has angered me, once again.

@digitales I just wouldn't waste your time getting upset or angry - I know that's easier said than done but you're only hurting yourself.

Yup and she's always asking for sympathy from me, for her kids !

Oh poor SIL works so hard. Oh poor BIL has had to work away this week, he's so tired.

Oh poor me ( MIL ) I am so unwell, my health is so bad- look at my foot. Etc etc

Completely reasonable to step back and give your limited time and headspace to people who support you. Though I'd be tempted to also write down your MIL and SIL's stock phrases and trot them back at them. See how long it takes them to twig.

My husband is a do stop whinging sort of person. Humorously though, he's not a dick he'll just point out that sometimes you just have to get on with things. It's funny to now watch our teens hand it back to him on a plate if he is moaning about something.

Just treat her as she treats you. Tell her or sil to be strong.

She’s clearly not capable of offering you the sort of support you’d like. I agree with others who have said to withdraw emotionally. By asking for her support you are just giving her fuel to upset and disappoint you. I would also stop being such an available listening ear. It’s sad but some relationships need to be managed sensitively at arm’s length. You know who your ‘safe’ people are. Go to them instead x

I think in general you have to be really discerning about who you are vulnerable in front of because it does make you feel so much worse being vulnerable in front of someone who doesn't react in the way you need. Agree with PP, keep that distance as it's not going to change.

Your DM sounds like she gets it. You'll feel better if you stick to the right people when it comes to expressing these emotions.

I would see a lot less of your MIL. She is a complete hypocrite for asking for sympathy from you but completely dismissing any issues that you have.

How/when is she saying these things? Are they face to face or does she send messages? If she messages, just ignore and don't respond. If face to face, just repeat that MIL, SIL and BIL will just need to move on and be strong.

Sympathy is all one way with some people. Next time she harps on parrot her own lines back at her: ‘move on’ ‘be strong’ ‘we’ve all been there or worse’. You have to play these selfish fuckers at their own game.

You know what I find hard about it all..

They want to be such a ' close knit family ' and family is so important to them, yet they treat me like this. When I'm such a cheerleader for them. I try so hard to give them the support I would sometimes crave, but they literally just don't give a shit about me.

It's hard to accept that I need to be ' close family ' and spend quite a bit of time with people who are this way with me. I think I need to really start treating them how they treat me.

@thepariscrimefiles it's face to face when these things come up.

When she was asking for sympathy from BIL, I had just had a sickness bug and so did my two kids at the same time, and I had to try and work from home.

She was asking how the kids were and I gave her the run down and she replied saying that brother in law had a cold and it was really hard for him to work from home with a cold.

You're looking in the wrong direction for sympathy. To her, she has a wonderful, hard working son married to a woman who doesn't know how lucky she is. I have a lovely, kind mother and sister in law and when I had PND they were kind but in a slightly guarded way. I think perhaps they felt I was suggesting that DP wasn't pulling his weight, which he absolutely was.

In laws aren't like your own parents. They will never feel for you what they feel for their own child. Protect yourself by keeping them at a slight remove.

I would tell her, that her reaction to your problems in the past, have made you buck up, and you are now trying to be positive, so she should give her advice to her own children, who seem to need it! (In a nice way, if course😉)

Well how about you say something directly in those circumstances op?

Stand up for yourself?

You could very politely say something like, “I’m obviously sorry you (or they) are going through that. Tbh though mil, sympathy is a two-way street” and then politely leave.

I think they sound a bit bullying and the sort of people who are very self-centred.

You know what they are like now. Don’t go on expecting something that they are incapable of giving op. Their son is obviously their golden child and they are only interested in the support you give him. Not any support you may need yourself. Just withdraw emotionally and perhaps a bit physically as well and don’t be around them so much. Don’t give them the power.