Would no acknowledgment of your struggles annoy you ? From MIL

[digitales]

I've really stopped opening up to my mother in law / in law family about things being a lot- A LOOONG time ago.

I always found them very very dismissive and I would go away feeling quite hurt by that. There was one particular time, both my children were very sick and my DD who was 2 at the time, just wasn't getting better for ages and I was very very worried about her. I was very down and sad and I broke down in front of MIL who told me to move on and ' be strong ' and we're all been there and worse.

Similar things have happened and been said by SIL, any time I've been a bit vulnerable - she's been very dismissive of my feelings.

Anyway, I have a lot on my plate- as do all working parents really. But I also have a very absent husband- due to work and I suffer a chronic illness too.

My mum tries to support me morally as much as she can and also practically, as does my husband, as much as he can.

My mum happened to mention to MIL how we've all got a lot on our plate and explained how stressful things are, especially because of my illness etc. apparently MIL had none of it and just dismissed everything my mum said and said that she ( MIL ) had it way worse and did all of it too and it's just a question of being organised.

I told my mum, there's just no point in even trying to get sympathy about any of it from in law family as they just don't care. It's left me again, feeling pretty down about our relationship.

MIL complains a lot about different things and expects sympathy- which I give. Same as my SIL, I'm always giving a listening ear to everyone and putting emotional energy into validating their concerns, being supportive of their feelings, but NO ONE ever does it back to me. I feel pretty hurt really.

I literally don't want much to do with them, as I feel like they literally don't give a shit.

Am I unreasonable to not want to spend too much time with people like this ? And to also stop putting energy into being kind and validating and supportive of them, seeing as they just don't do it for me?

Some people are just more resilient than others it's not intentionally dismissive they can't empathise as their response to a similar situation would be to just get on with it.

Clearly it’s not this as MIL and SIL are seeking sympathy from op with relatively trivial issues.

I find 'That's a shame' a useful phrase for something unfortunate but where you don't necessarily want or need to express big time sympathy for the person concerned

no that's me as well, never had that kind of conversation, why would she care? But I'd never have that conversation with my mum either. You need to have it wih someone in the same stage of life as you ideally ! However, if she is then expecting sympathy then that's not reasonable, or is she expecting sympathy ?Why not parrot her phrases back to her.

OP mother in law sounds a bit of a dozy uncaring cow. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I completely understand and empathise with everything you have said. I would be hurt too.
If there's anyway you can shut her down a bit when she starts her moaning and complaining to you I think you should do this

I get this.

My mum will endlessly ask if I can support my brother, cooking him meals and cleaning his house, who has a number of health issues, and ask us to help them when we visit.

I have a one year old son who's on the merry go round of nursery illnesses (my brother is immunocompromised so not even a good idea to go over!), I work compressed hours, and all the usual burdens that come with young families.

But if I mention being tired/stressed/missing my baby etc, it's 'you'll cope'.

Well, I bloody know I'll cope. I am coping, if sometimes a bit burnt out or in need of a bit of sympathy. My brother is coping too. My parents are coping.

Either we're a family who support each other, or we're not. I'm not going to give give give and be told "you'll cope" in return.

💯 👏🏼👏🏼

mine didn’t believe anyone else in the whole universe could be sick/tired apart from her.
She once visited when I had a chest infection, she asked every 5 minutes if I was ‘over it yet’ and then did a little cough and went ‘I hope that doesn’t turn into pneumonia I don’t know what I’ll do’.
She was the same when small children got sick and even when people were dying.

If she’s annoying you minimise contact. You don’t have to be part of her close knit family. Send your husband with the kids.

Generally it’s true that people 1 or 2 generations above did have it much harder than us so find it hard to be sympathetic in some cases- has your MIL had a hard life?Some people also struggle with saying the right thing in these situations but it’s for you to decide if there’s any truth in this or if she’s just trying to be deliberately nasty.

Match her energy. If you say you are tired and she ignores you, ignore her when she says she’s tired.
You had flu and had to work anyway and she says ‘Theres people that are dying’ say the same thing when she’s got flu and needs to work.

When MIL and SIL complain to you, why are you sympathising? Just tell them life's tough for everyone and we just have to be strong and soldier on, like they do to you.

You can't change them so change your expectations. Rely on your mum and friends for a listening ear.

Why is everyone needing sympathy?!

Ah it must be aggravating but I think I’d push back next time she whinges or moans on behalf of the other family members. Does she have any sense of humour? If so, you could use the line my son did when I moaned about my day ‘oh that’s a pity but at least you’re not complaining about it.’ Mildly sarcastic might be a way forward if you don’t want to drop contact or start a war?

It all sounds a bit sexist and old-fashioned, as if women are expected to put up with everything and not complain (especially daughters-in-law) like she feels she did, but BIL is suffering with a cold and deserves sympathy and her own daughter is treated differently. Is she very traditional? I have had experience of older women saying 'I suffered, so you should too' and it's really mean and unhelpful. Definitely withdraw your sympathetic ear from them and limit your contact with MIL.

Nah. You’re not unreasonable. It is hurtful when there’s little to nothing in reciprocity. You need to do what’s right for you and your peace. If that means stepping back to focus your time and energy on nurturing your healthy relationships, then so be that. By all means, be respectful and civil, but that doesn’t mean you have to listen to all their problems and act in ways that enhance their comfort. Tbh it comes across to me that they know exactly what they are doing, so hold firm on your boundaries. Maybe you can give them the very same advice/response they give you? Surely they cannot be upset being met with their own attitude?

Anyway, I understand what this feels like and I’m sorry you have to deal with such unsupportive and toxic people.

I'm going to be blunt: just because your MIL says she wants a close-knit family, why do you feel compelled to give her it? Do YOU want to be close-knit with her?

Why are you looking beyond yourself and your spouse for "support" with your and your children's health? You're a grown adult with dependents. Unless you're incapacitated, you need to figure things out for yourself. A listening ear from your spouse, medical help from your doctors and support from your nurses. Your MIL isn't there to support you through health issues. Well, I certainly don't think so - she's got her own life and her own children and grandchildren to be dealing with.

Why are you looking to anyone at all (other than your spouse, I suppose) for sympathy? Sympathy is for life's serious travails. The rest, you just get on with.

I think you need to learn to be a bit more independent if being dependent leaves you feeling like this. You're looking for something you're not going to get: either stop looking, or get it somewhere else.

This sounds like ‘toxic positivity’. Know that they are not on your side and will never give you the support you need. Detach yourself emotionally from them.

Play her at her own game, agree with what others say and don't give her the attention back. Focus your efforts on you and the others that matter

My MIL is lovely but over the years I've noticed that she will say what she thinks will get me to do my best as a wife and mother to her grandchildren. So she doesn't want me focusing on myself and dropping the ball with DH and the kids who are more of a priority to her.
She even suggests to DH things I could be doing to make his life easier! I try not to take it personally.

My MIL is exactly the same, just treat her how she treats you, and your SIL - it’s petty and goes against my empathetic nature but it stops me feeling so irritated. My DH has a business that I have an employed job in (since 2009) doing quite a demanding role and she literally thinks I just fanny about with a few spreadsheets and DH pays me to ‘pretend’ to work there. I fucking wish. She forgets I had a career before I met her wonderful son but she treats me like I am so ‘lucky’ to have a successful husband. She hardly ever worked in her life. Dismissive is the way she is, but she does it about everyone. I no longer care what she thinks as I don’t respect her opinions. Having done 20 years with her son, let me tell you I won’t be taking parenting advice from her, he was dragged up.

They want to be such a ' close knit family ' and family is so important to them, yet they treat me like this.

I'm betting she doesn't see you as part of that 'close knit family', just that you married a member of it. Sometimes the people who go on about how important family is have a very restrictive view on who is actually in that family.