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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DSS and the ketchup

41 replies

Blankscreen · 17/01/2025 09:24

Dss (20) lives with us full time and after a couple of years of him bumming around 'trading' watching Andrew Tate videos he finally has a full time job.

He has an arrogant dismissive side to his personality which literally makes my blood boil.

He has form for just taking stuff and not giving a shit. Common examples being ds' deodrant, dd's toiletries.

In the last 2 weeks he had taken to work the cling film, the vinegar, the eggs I bought and then yesterday the ketchup.

So last night I got home at about 6pm and started sorting dinner. As I started to lay the table I couldn't find the ketchup which had been delivered on the shopping the day before.

Anyway I'm rummaging around looking and dss appears rushing in to get changed to go to the gym. . DH asks him if he has seen the ketchup and he says oh yeah I took it to work. DH asked him to go and buy another one to which he replied he didn't have time as he was going to the gym. DH then told him to go and get another one which he begrudgingly did.

DH then nipped out to walk the dogs. When dss returned he came into the kitchen half threw the ketchup on the table with a 'there you go' to which I replied in a cross voice 'do not take stuff out of the kitchen to work as I buy the stuff the family needs and I don't have time to go running around buying more'

He then kissed his teeth and said 'okey dokey' .

Well a huge argument then kicked off. My point being if he hadn't appeared at that particular moment then I would have had to go and buy more bloody ketchup.

I've told DH and dss that going forward dss can cook his own dinner as I'm not facilitating his life when he is so disrespectful.

Dh thinks we should talk to dss. I've said I'm done and not interested. He doesn't respect me or the house and DH is free to cook for him if he wants but I'm not giving up my time.

AIBU

OP posts:
Happyhibiscus · 17/01/2025 09:32

How would you deal with this if it were your own child? Personally I wouldn’t tolerate it. He does sound very disrespectful; I think he needs a wake up call. If he isn’t willing to grow up and change his behaviour then he needs to move out.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/01/2025 09:39

Sounds petty but this is the last straw I suspect. He's 20 and working so he can buy what he needs, instead he prefers to just take everyone's things. I'd get his DF to talk to him, if he's being watching Tate he'll have little respect for you and you don't have to put up with that

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2025 09:57

I think the most worrying thing is that his attitude changed between your DH being there and not being. He’s clearly utterly contemptuous of women, or certainly of you.

Those Andrew Tate videos have clearly made an impression.

A chat might be helpful but it has to start from the point that disrespecting you will mean he doesn’t get to live there any more. And this is really for your DH to hammer home.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 17/01/2025 09:59

Sounds vile. I’d be moving out if he’s staying long-term, tbh. But really, he’s the one who should be moving out.

Don’t do anything else for him, he’s a grown man.

DaisyChain505 · 17/01/2025 10:06

He sounds disrespectful and awful to live with.

keep communicating with your DH and make sure he is the one taking the lead on this.

I hope he’s paying you rent as he’s working full time!

He is 20 years old he should definitely be making his own food and doing his own washing etc.

MinnieCauldwell · 17/01/2025 10:09

20 is old enough for a house share, he can then kiss his teeth and use other people's stuff there see how that goes...It is concerning that his behaviour is different to you when DH not there. He is very dismissive of you and disrespectful, I wouldn't have got away with that at 12 let alone 20. Though at 20 I was long gone from home.

Dror · 17/01/2025 10:11

You husband can speak to him all he wants. Why has he not bothered before?

Stop letting the man raid your kids stuff.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 17/01/2025 10:15

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

DH has spoken to dss numerous times and he just doesn't listen or take it on board, hence why I can't face wasting any more energy on it.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 17/01/2025 10:22

I would not live with a grown man who threw things at me, kissed his teeth at me and made it clear he didn’t respect me at all.

How does he treat your kids?

Goodadvice1980 · 17/01/2025 10:26

He’s 20 and working so he can move out and find a house

Don't let him bully you (or the dc in their own home). Your dh needs to be firmer with him now as he’s become so disrespectful.

FoxtonFoxton · 17/01/2025 10:28

Well I certainly wouldn't be doing fuck all for him going forward. No cooking, cleaning, clothes washing, nothing. If he took anything from anyone, I'd be going into his room and removing whatever I fancied. If he can take, so can I. Works both ways.

CheekySwan · 17/01/2025 10:31

DSS & DS do the same (taking stuff), drives me insane, but to them it's not a big deal, it's just stuff and they don't realise how it impacts you.

Another example, I bought a pack of kitchen scissors a few months ago and a hob lighter. Went in the kitchen drawer yesterday, no hob lighter so could not light the hob for my lunch. No scissors in the drawer (can't remember what I needed them for). It's not a big thing, but i then run round the house, muttering to my self and getting myself stressed, looking for stuff that should be there! That was there but they feel entitled and can take what they want, it's there home, blah blah blah. I ended up buying 3 ketchup bottles because I was sick of running round to see who had it in their room. I absolutely get enraged when I go to get something and it's not there.

I have never had the disrespect thing but, the okey dokey could have been because he didn't see it as a big deal and to him you were overreacting (which you weren't but they don't see the bigger picture)? Do you normally get on well with him? Has he lived with you long?

Gerwurtztraminer · 17/01/2025 10:48

He'd be finding a new place to live if it was my DSS. Followed by DH if he won't stand up for you. I was living in a houseshare at 16 with much older people, which was an eye opener in terms of social skills!

He needs to grow up and clearly won't whilst living at home, especially as your DH has no influence over him either..

PlopSofa · 17/01/2025 10:51

He’s a grown up toddler. He needs his own place so he learns how households run.
needs to grow up.

I’d be furious with that sort of attitude. Who has got time for that?

TomatoSandwiches · 17/01/2025 11:00

YANBU and I wouldn't be living with someone that thinks it's fine to kiss his teeth at me, sod talking to a twat like that.

EmpressPeach · 17/01/2025 11:02

Give him an ultimatum - he starts being respectful, or he moves out. He gets ONE chance. The moment he gets arsey, that’s it. After that he gets a deadline to sort out a new place to live. If he doesn’t make the deadline, all of his stuff in bin bags and the locks changed.

OnlyTheBravest · 17/01/2025 11:31

It can be frustrating living with young adults. They are still maturing and this is difficult to do under the 'family' roof. That being said I think both you and your DH do need to sit down with your DSS and establish the rules if he wishes to continue to live with you both and the consequence if he refuses to adhere to your wishes. Communication is key and you all need to listen to each other.

Now he is in work, does he pay rent? My Adult DC who live with me pay a small rent to cover toiletries, basic food items and additional utility use (gas/electricity/water). I alway keep extra sauces etc, so if one went on walkabout I am not impacted. I make the odd family meal but they buy their own food/toiletries. Cook for themselves and most importantly clean up after themselves. It took a while to get there and it isn't perfect but seeing as they are likely to be with me far longer than I was at their age it works for our family.

ThePoshUns · 17/01/2025 11:39

Would you tolerate the same from your own DS? I'd be careful of treating them differently.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/01/2025 11:44

Thinking on it Op, him being your DSS is half the problem. Your DH doesn't want to fall out with his DS and doesn't get the show of disrepect you do so he wants to go easy on him, he thinks not cooking for his DS is a bit harsh. You're going to have to be prepared to stand up to them both, your DH needs to see this from your side

Original poster
Blankscreen · 17/01/2025 12:06

Thanks for everyone's replies.

So to add some context he moved in with us full time when he was 14.

I certainly would not be putting up with this from my own ds.

It's basic stuff and if I look back to when I was 20 and living at home with much younger siblings no way would I have taken their stuff without asking.

Siblings a couple of years 2 apart is kind of fair game imo and part of what siblings do but not when they are 7 and 9 years younger than you.

When the row ensued he said well I've bought you a replacement and I don't appreciate the way I was spoken to. Wtf?????

He doesn't get it!!!! I'm not bothered about a £3 bottle of ketchup its the bloody inconvenience and attitude that goes with it.

DH does barely any cooking so if he opts to start cooking for dss he can cook for the rest of us as well.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2025 12:21

Maybe do trial your DH cooking and shopping for everyone - then he’ll get an idea of the aggravation this causes!

Plus DSS gets the good example of a man doing a fairer share of domestic labour, which it sounds like he needs!

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/01/2025 12:25

I would be stopping all wife work for your dss. And if your dh won’t back you up, I would do the same.

I hope you have independent means if this really kicks off and your dh chooses his ds over you.

Nellyelephanty · 17/01/2025 12:37

He should have moved out 2 years ago. Off ya go ya fucker. I wouldn’t have been in a house a day after 18 with that attitude

ERthree · 17/01/2025 12:45

Watch you back and your Daughter. I personally would not be under the same roof as a misogynistic vile POS

AlertCat · 17/01/2025 12:55

Ultimatum time, isn’t it? He either behaves with respect for the other people in the household, paying his share and doing his share of the chores- or if that’s too hard for him, he can find a household he prefers.

No way would I put up with this in my own home, and I wouldn’t want my younger children seeing behaviour like that either.