Adult DSS and the ketchup

[Blankscreen]

Dss (20) lives with us full time and after a couple of years of him bumming around 'trading' watching Andrew Tate videos he finally has a full time job.

He has an arrogant dismissive side to his personality which literally makes my blood boil.

He has form for just taking stuff and not giving a shit. Common examples being ds' deodrant, dd's toiletries.

In the last 2 weeks he had taken to work the cling film, the vinegar, the eggs I bought and then yesterday the ketchup.

So last night I got home at about 6pm and started sorting dinner. As I started to lay the table I couldn't find the ketchup which had been delivered on the shopping the day before.

Anyway I'm rummaging around looking and dss appears rushing in to get changed to go to the gym. . DH asks him if he has seen the ketchup and he says oh yeah I took it to work. DH asked him to go and buy another one to which he replied he didn't have time as he was going to the gym. DH then told him to go and get another one which he begrudgingly did.

DH then nipped out to walk the dogs. When dss returned he came into the kitchen half threw the ketchup on the table with a 'there you go' to which I replied in a cross voice 'do not take stuff out of the kitchen to work as I buy the stuff the family needs and I don't have time to go running around buying more'

He then kissed his teeth and said 'okey dokey' .

Well a huge argument then kicked off. My point being if he hadn't appeared at that particular moment then I would have had to go and buy more bloody ketchup.

I've told DH and dss that going forward dss can cook his own dinner as I'm not facilitating his life when he is so disrespectful.

Dh thinks we should talk to dss. I've said I'm done and not interested. He doesn't respect me or the house and DH is free to cook for him if he wants but I'm not giving up my time.

AIBU

@Blankscreen what the hell is he wanting clingfilm at his work for?? and vinegar??? you are only being unreasonable by not throwing him out of your house!

The Tate stuff alone is a massive red flag, and it's evident with how he behaves and speaks to you that it's influenced him. I'd find it unbearable to live with someone with those opinions. I understand it's going to be extremely difficult as this is your SS and obviously his father will be protective of him. There would need to be some pretty massive changes in order for me to cohabit with him for much longer though. Do you think he's at the stage where he could afford his own flat share now he is full time? Could his dad help with a deposit?

Time one of you move out. I would ask DH what he prefers.

This is really important I think. Your dss is being a misogynist. Absolutely unacceptable. I wouldn't do anything else for him until he changes his attitude. And I would say the same if he was the Op's biological son.

I think that the not cooking for him is a good idea.

I'd suggest to both him and DH that there are two options going forwards:

• Every adult shops, cooks and clears up for themselves. Either DH or you cooks for the younger children when you make your own food.
• Each adult takes a turn to shop, cook and clear up for the whole family.

That they can both have an equal say in which option your family does, but there is no third option where you shop, cook and clear up for everyone more than your fair share.

And I'd also calm down and make it clear that this isn't a punishment for his behavior which will happen for a couple of weeks and then change back. Its more that the fight has prompted this change to happen now when it would inevitably have happened some time soon anyway now that he is an adult.

I would stick to this rigidly and I certainly wouldn't cook another meal for either of them until they have both shopped, cooked and cleared up once each for you.

Is your DH the father of your other children OP? I only ask as I'd be interested to see how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot, ie, if one of yours is his stepson, would he be happy if he treated him like this? What does your DH think of the way his son treats you, does he challenge him immediately, or only when you complain? Have you discussed with your DH the prospect of asking his son to move out and get his own place, if so, what was his response?

I told DH about 6 months go that if dss isn't moved out soon that me and the other 2 children probably would be....

Since he has got a job he isn't at home as much thank god so my interactions with him have reduced.

I tried explaining to to DH that I can't believe I am living in my own house with such an arrogant adult male. If I had wanted that I would have married an arsehole.

DH is going away with work next week and I'm dreading it already.

The vinegar is for his poached eggs. It's all about his protein intake, his body, his gym his goals yada yada yada.

Dss had £13k and he blew it all on trading. He not even contrite over that. Just says it was part of his learning and that he can't be depressed about it. The arrogance again.

Actually you're right. DH only challenges him really when I react so I am the bad guy.

I'm going off know to speak to DH

Following your update, fuck that. I'd be acting on my words and making plans to move. I couldn't live with a mini Tate.

Is he taking steroids? If he’s being an arsehole it could be explained be that. I lift and notice that the young men who consume Andrew Tate often take steroids as well. We actually got a ranting roid head banned before Christmas:

I'd put money on it. Goes hand in hand.

Is DH not irritated by his generally arrogant attitude? I'd be horrified if a DC of mine became arrogant and I'd do what I could to 'attempt' to tackle it. To have him look at himself and his attitude.
In your situation I'd be insisting he found elsewhere to live. I wouldn't want him influencing the younger DC

If he continue to mess about with your supplies, I would abdicate responsibility to cook for your DH as well. It is ultimately his job to enforce basic rules and if he can’t, then you shouldn’t be scrambling deal with the fallout to feed him.

To caveat, dss obviously has kitchen and pantry privileges, but it’s not rocket science to know the difference between packing a lunch and decanting some condiments into a small container and taking the entire bottle. He also needs to bring back the containers and wash them so they can be reused.

Clingfilm = drugs

I would put a timer on your threat to leave. Choose a length of time you are happy with and tell DH that if his entitled shit son is still living with you at the end of it, you and the kids will be gone.

Living at home rent free isn't a right for a 20 year old, it's a privilege that can and should be taken away if it's abused.

Dss has a job. Time to look for a house share