To tell my husband to F off ??

[Sleepyheadfairy]

I’m a SAHM to 5 young children. 3 primary aged and 2 at home with me. My husband is the breadwinner - he earns enough to cover our bills and mortgage. However I have a small on the side craft business meaning I make enough to cover a nice day to day life with the children whilst at home, pay for their clothes and activities and most of our holidays.

my husband came home from work and my son wanted to watch paw patrol, he went to the living room and couldn’t find the remote. He found it under the sofa in the end but made a comment, (not for the first time as often the remote isn’t where he leaves it ie behind a cushion) “why don’t you ever just leave it in one place!” I’m always the last up on a night so last to turn off tv so always get blamed. When he found it he said, “why would you leave it there?” As if i did. Passive aggressively to the kids “whats mummy done with the remote”

here is my routine today:
woke up, made pack lunches, walk to school with pram and 5 children. Get home, make all beds, tidy rooms, clean kitchen, clean dining room, clean living room, hoover and mop. prep tea and pop it in slow cooker. Get baby and toddler ready to go out when I get a call from school that one of my children has forgot something for a lesson. I take baby and toddler back up to school and deliver item. Then go to local cafe to feed 2 at home. Go to playgroup. Go to shops. Collect kids. Walk home. Tidy away bags/coats/shoes etc. make food and feed children. Wash and clean it all up. House is spotless as always even with 5 kids and food ready for husband.

why did the remote thing push me over the edge. It’s just like he ignores everything I actually do and focus on one tiny detail. I said oh fuck off and went upstairs. I know I’m being unreasonable obviously. I’m just tired. Tomorrow I might not clean a thing and sit and watch tv all day. And leave the remote in the remote area 😂😂😂

Next time tell him that its not ok to passive aggressively communicate through the children, or make complaints to the ambient air: “what’s mummy done with the remote” is just horribly twee and rude.

If he has a problem he can offer a solution but you are’nt his employee and there is no complaints department to handle his complaint.

So if he consistently can’t find something like the remote he could come to you and say he’s found a good location for it, learned how to use his phone to do it, or glued a string to it so he can easily licate it. He has the problem do he needs to solve it and share his solution.

Thanks guys

I went downstairs and we both laughed. All fine. I’ve ordered 2 remotes. I’m tired but gonna have a wine (or whine emilio whatever her name was )

How do you know? Does he not have quiet on the commute, a lunch hour, does his working day start on rolling out of bed and end at 8/9.....or is he sat watching TV at bed time.....5 kids he should come home and get washing up/bathing kids etc.

OP said he's great doing his share when he's home. And how do we know OP doesn't get an hour quiet time?

@Sleepyheadfairy apart from ordering more you could also put a tag on one but I’m glad it’s sorted! But he has to realise you didn’t put it under the sofa!

You can literally download the remote on your phone .. I only know this because my remote is always lost.

em do you wanna meet for a coffee to discuss this you are really invested. Dm me hun x

It’s fine I’ve ordered more I was only having a whine. Hard day etc etc take it out on those closest and give out about them. He actually has it downloaded on his phone in fairness 😂

No thanks you might tell me to fuck off if I ask where the sugar is 🤣

prob would in fairness especially as I’ve been on my feet all day x

But you could come back on mumsnet and talk about it 💖

Over reaction much.

Correct.

OP Don't order more physical remotes as they too will get lost. Just tell him to download an app to his phone. The Sky remote is available for example as an app on your phone.

Tell him you’ve got a full time job. He’ll have to step up from Monday, doing half of all house related and childcare chores. The remote will be the least of his worries!

Don't be so melodramatic !

Of course he's out of order.

However, I wouldn't tolerate being sworn at by my husband and if he told me to fuck off it would be a deal breaker.

I’d gaffer tape it to his fucking head. Do you ever feel ‘seen’? Men like him make me depressed.

Don’t get mad, get even.

Take a day off, he can easily supervise his own children for a day. When you come home, find the most trivial thing he didn’t do, and call him out on it. When he kicks off, you say ‘alright sleepyheadfairy but you’ve been at home all day so I don’t know what you’ve been doing with all that time’. And you turn on your heels and walk into another room.
Make sure he has dinner ready too!

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodesky. It’s a quick and easy read or it’s audible.

You will then be some way towards understanding why you are stressed enough to tell him to fuck off and I will join you in telling him to fuck off.

Look up mental load and emotional labour. I bet a whole heap of money you are doing it all and he does none of it. I expect ‘hands on’ means he ‘helps you’ rather than being an equal partner.

You should not have equal amounts of free time and self care time. You are working more than full time. If you weren’t looking after the kids, cleaning the house, organising the food etc, then he’d have to do it or pay for it to be done.

I wouldn't put up with being sworn at by my husband/partner. How trashy

This. I will never understand this. 5 children close together in age from the sounds of it and you make yourself extra work with a side hustle. You maketh the bed.

look, if you want to be told to fuck off, and then slowly lower your bar from there that’s on you.

It wasn’t a joke (OP said it’s about not being appreciated and him talking via the kids, belittling her to them in the process). He shouldn’t do that.
Nor should she say what she did. She didn’t either mean what she said, or say what she meant.

It isn’t melodramatic at all to say I wouldn’t be spoken to like that.

You reacted appropriately. You're not his servant! I'm annoyed on your behalf!

We have a button on our tv that links the remote to the tv. If you press it the remote emits a noise so you can locate it. See if your tv has this feature.
Or, teach everyone in the house, even your husband, to place the remote in a certain place when they have finished using it, like on a coffee table.

Whenever I go to sit down the remote is never anywhere to be found! It drives me insane!!!!! I hope you both make up ok, sounds like you’re both busy and it’s tough with so many children! Well done on all you do op, especially making money as you do (author who earns zero here!!)