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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know if this was a big deal or not

34 replies

User09678 · 16/01/2025 18:19

So imagine your partner bought a lottery ticket, wasn't a regular gambler, did this once in a blue moon, maybe £5 once a year or so. They win 12k. Then spend it all on more gambling (but no more than this) but lose it all. They stop. Haven't gambled again since. Genuinely haven't, otherwise very financially responsible. Aibu to wish they hadn't blown the 12k? Or, was it their money to do with as they please and no issue because they started with a balance of -£5 and ended with a balance of -£5. There is definitely no ongoing gambling issue.

Yabu - you're being unreasonable, none of your business, no harm done.

Yanbu - yes, they blew thousands on nothing.

OP posts:
Soonenough · 16/01/2025 18:21

Of course you wish they hadn't spunked it all away on gambling 🙄 But they probably do too.

TrolleySign · 16/01/2025 18:22

Well yeah it's a bit shit they gambled all the 12k away and probably wish they hadn't but .. if there's no on going issues then it is what it is.

Civilservant · 16/01/2025 18:24

It’d be relationship over for me, as have witnessed problem gambling and impact on family, and even as a one off spending £12k is problem gambling IMO.

Threecraws · 16/01/2025 18:24

Well if course everyone would rather have the 12 thousand than not n but I'd it was a one of and in the past, let it go

TangerineClementine · 16/01/2025 18:25

The thing that would worry me about this is that it would show that my partner has a completely different attitude towards saving / spending money compared to me. It's his money etc, but I would know that there is no way I would ever do this - so I'd worry that we're incompatible in this respect.

ginasevern · 16/01/2025 18:25

I'd be bloody furious but it depends what you mean by partner. Do you live together, share a mortgage, kids? To be honest I find it very hard to believe that someone who is usually so abstemious about gambling would then cheerfully blow a whopping £12k. That doesn't ring true. Are you sure he's telling the whole truth here?

NovemberMorn · 16/01/2025 18:27

It would totally piss me off. It wouldn't be a relationship breaker, though I would certainly keep a close eye on the financial aspect of our relationship from then on.

Onlyvisiting · 16/01/2025 18:27

User09678 · 16/01/2025 18:19

So imagine your partner bought a lottery ticket, wasn't a regular gambler, did this once in a blue moon, maybe £5 once a year or so. They win 12k. Then spend it all on more gambling (but no more than this) but lose it all. They stop. Haven't gambled again since. Genuinely haven't, otherwise very financially responsible. Aibu to wish they hadn't blown the 12k? Or, was it their money to do with as they please and no issue because they started with a balance of -£5 and ended with a balance of -£5. There is definitely no ongoing gambling issue.

Yabu - you're being unreasonable, none of your business, no harm done.

Yanbu - yes, they blew thousands on nothing.

Depends if you have shared finances or not normally.

pimplebum · 16/01/2025 18:29

I would not believe that a person who spends 12k on gambling suddenly just stops , no way
you dont just start and stop gambling behaviour

I certainly would see this as a massive red flag

chelseahealyslips · 16/01/2025 18:31

I think this shows a real unbothered attitude towards the relationship/spouse/children/any responsibilities actually.
I'd expect there to have been a discussion about the money, what we could do, what we could have to look forward to, do household things need replacing or diy jobs need to be done rather than just spunk it all away in a heartbeat.

Also a person who can just blast £12k on gambling probably has a problem.

AltitudeCheck · 16/01/2025 18:37

Depends how emeshed your lives and finances are and, to a degree, how well off you both are.

What did he bet on and how, was it one big thing, did he have a swanky trip to Vegas and splurge, or was it loads of spins on a slot machine/ online bets that got out of control?

I definitely wouldn't commit to any shared finances with someone who could gamble a £12k win without even mentioning it! I'd also be put off someone who thought there was money to be made on gambling tbh.

daisydaughter · 16/01/2025 18:41

Well. YANBU to be upset.
But YwouldBU to be angry.

With gambling, if you’re prepared to take the wins, you have to be prepared to accept the losses. You can’t be pleased with him for winning and cross with him for losing.

WeeOrcadian · 16/01/2025 19:11

Someone who can blow 12k on gambling, doesn't just 'stop'

Look deeper OP

Original poster
User09678 · 17/01/2025 08:47

daisydaughter · 16/01/2025 18:41

Well. YANBU to be upset.
But YwouldBU to be angry.

With gambling, if you’re prepared to take the wins, you have to be prepared to accept the losses. You can’t be pleased with him for winning and cross with him for losing.

I wouldn't say I was pleased with him for winning but money is money and yes easy come easy go but it was money we needed.

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 17/01/2025 08:54

I'd be more worried their were hidden debts I didn't know about. Someone who can gamble that much away isn't usually someone who can just stop gambling.

chelseahealyslips · 17/01/2025 09:50

User09678 · 17/01/2025 08:47

I wouldn't say I was pleased with him for winning but money is money and yes easy come easy go but it was money we needed.

Show quote history

Absolutely not easy come easy go if it's money you really need and can use to better your lifestyle.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 17/01/2025 09:52

User09678 · 16/01/2025 18:19

So imagine your partner bought a lottery ticket, wasn't a regular gambler, did this once in a blue moon, maybe £5 once a year or so. They win 12k. Then spend it all on more gambling (but no more than this) but lose it all. They stop. Haven't gambled again since. Genuinely haven't, otherwise very financially responsible. Aibu to wish they hadn't blown the 12k? Or, was it their money to do with as they please and no issue because they started with a balance of -£5 and ended with a balance of -£5. There is definitely no ongoing gambling issue.

Yabu - you're being unreasonable, none of your business, no harm done.

Yanbu - yes, they blew thousands on nothing.

I would be pissed off if it meant they or you had money problems at the time or are short now.

They should have taken the £12k and invested it.

The greed and gambling is deeply deeply unattractive.

ItGhoul · 17/01/2025 10:11

Of course it's a big deal, because it's an indication that he's a fucking idiot. He pissed twelve grand down the drain. It's not even about what else he could have done with the money; it's the fact that he's a massive fool.

DaisyChain505 · 17/01/2025 10:16

This would make me question the whole relationship.

Not from a place of greed but just wondering why they wouldn’t want to make your life as a family better.

That 12k could have been a house deposit, an extension, a once in a life time holiday, a wedding, a new car etc etc.

I know that if I won that money my first thought would be “How can I use this to make OUR life better?”

It just shows pure selfish, reckless and down right stupid behaviour.

Roryno · 17/01/2025 10:24

I’d be furious that they spent the whole amount on something so stupid. Especially if it was needed elsewhere. I couldn’t be with someone like that. And I don’t believe they wouldn’t do it again if they came into more money.

Bournetilly · 17/01/2025 10:27

That’s a lot of money to gamble away, I would be very concerned they would do it again.

Original poster
User09678 · 17/01/2025 10:58

ItGhoul · 17/01/2025 10:11

Of course it's a big deal, because it's an indication that he's a fucking idiot. He pissed twelve grand down the drain. It's not even about what else he could have done with the money; it's the fact that he's a massive fool.

I think he got carried away with the excitement and was sure he could make it back plus some. He isn't keen to discuss it as it's obviously a touchy subject for him. He insists its a non issue because it cost him nothing to gain in the first place so it's like it didn't happen. Which I don't really understand. Its also very out of character as he is very good with money and at the time was the main breadwinner as the kids were small. But we were borrowing money for critical work that needed done to the house at the time. There is work that still needs done, I have holes in the walls taped up with cardboard over them!

OP posts:
KeyWorker · 17/01/2025 11:06

You can’t really say someone doesn’t have an ongoing gambling issue if they gambled away 12 grand.

In answer to your question, I suppose it was theirs to do what they like with but the fact their priority was gambling it away would mean the end of the relationship for me. Sorry OP.

Edited to add, I would be highly suspicious that this wasn’t the first incidence of loosing a large amount of money. I’d be inclined to guess that there are other financial issues that don’t add up.

chelseahealyslips · 17/01/2025 11:09

User09678 · 17/01/2025 10:58

I think he got carried away with the excitement and was sure he could make it back plus some. He isn't keen to discuss it as it's obviously a touchy subject for him. He insists its a non issue because it cost him nothing to gain in the first place so it's like it didn't happen. Which I don't really understand. Its also very out of character as he is very good with money and at the time was the main breadwinner as the kids were small. But we were borrowing money for critical work that needed done to the house at the time. There is work that still needs done, I have holes in the walls taped up with cardboard over them!

Show quote history

They never make it back. And I think you're being very overly generous to him. He was irresponsible and selfish.
He didn't give a shit about your debts or outgoings when he did this and still doesn't if there is still work to be done.

KeyWorker · 17/01/2025 11:13

This reads 10 times worse now you’ve updated that you have kids. He has a serious problem if he thinks gambling away 12k is acceptable when the house his children live in need work doing on it. I’d say you need to look carefully into your finances OP, see if things add up or if there are hidden debts.