To not know if this was a big deal or not

[User09678]

So imagine your partner bought a lottery ticket, wasn't a regular gambler, did this once in a blue moon, maybe £5 once a year or so. They win 12k. Then spend it all on more gambling (but no more than this) but lose it all. They stop. Haven't gambled again since. Genuinely haven't, otherwise very financially responsible. Aibu to wish they hadn't blown the 12k? Or, was it their money to do with as they please and no issue because they started with a balance of -£5 and ended with a balance of -£5. There is definitely no ongoing gambling issue.

Yabu - you're being unreasonable, none of your business, no harm done.

Yanbu - yes, they blew thousands on nothing.

You are making a lot of excuses for him. And “he isn’t keen to discuss it”!!! He thinks it’s fine, a non event because the money was “a gift”. He sounds like a classic gambler. I once worked with a lovely guy. Very sweet, but he gambled a lot and in the end his wife and kids left him. He came across so normal, but he ruin d their lives at the time.

That's definitely gambling problem territory.

They don't change. Gamblers will piss away their life savings and their family's wellbeing before they give a shit. And probably not even then.

Was this some time ago? Do you have concerns now?

The minute you won £12k then you weren't 'starting from a balance of -£5', you were starting from a balance of +£12 THOUSAND POUNDS.

Which has all been absolutely pissed away.

If they had agreed an amount to gamble with - and stuck to it - essentially to spend on the 'fun' of gambling, would they have chosen £12k to do this with? Or could they have chosen to put aside £500 for gambling with then left the rest of the HUGE amount for other things?

You imply he won via a lottery ticket - did he then spend 12k on lottery tickets? Did he start other types of gambling? Was it throw 12k on one casino number or did it take a longer time gambling in low amounts, which probably involved further minor wins he continued to then bet.
I think you need to look at how he won and lost and understand from that what gambling is to him before you trust there is no issue at all.
I've seen many people win a few quid on scratch cards and 'reinvest' in more in my local shop, so maybe you can look at it as he won 12k on one horse then just chucked it all on the next in a double or quits type thing, which is reckless and impulsive but maybe not as indicative of an ongoing gambling problem more a lack of forward planning for even himself problem.
However, if doing slots, or bets, whilst you can lose lots of money quickly it would take a while, or a period of solely focussing on your bet of choice to get through the 12k - this wouldn't really be disinterested gambling.
To gamble this amount either way takes a certain gambling mindset though I think - so it's not about the money it's about the thrill. Maybe you've never noticed as he keeps it low key somehow and this just gave him room to 'play'.
If he is now really capable of keeping it very low key then great but accept any gambling money he has, from a fiver a year to 12k a week would never really count as him having money to share as it's got to go back into his gambling.
Generally to answer your question, I think it's pretty poor to keep an unexpectedly lucky £12k to yourself whilst you have a house for all the family to finish off but that's with my view that finances should be fairly well shared though I also think you could have room to spend on yourself if you really, really wanted something and this gave you your only ever chance - I would be concerned if they wanted it to gamble rather than buy a man tool or holiday though tbh.

It sounds like they have an addiction issue and realised and stopped

I'd be fuming if my DH did this.

I would completely lose all respect I had for my partner and start viewing them as a man child. I have been in a similar situation, my partner at the time was 18 and new to the casino. It just shows an awful lack of judgement that I personally wouldn’t be able to move past

I’d add another note of caution here even if I’m late to the thread. £12k is a lot for most family budgets, but what concerns me more is his reluctance to discuss it.

I’d be really wary of problem gambling here. He probably genuinely thinks he is fine and that you’re making a fuss about nothing. My ex husband kept telling himself that, and only came clean to HIMSELF that he had a problem after losing six figures from his concealed gambling. It went on for years, sometimes with big gaps. It could happen again…

I wonder if your partner would consider accessing support - he can get free counselling from gamcare. Just to chat about what happened with someone trained in the area. (You can do the same - you absolutely qualify as an “affected other”. The gambling industry puts a tiny bit of its cash into supporting such things so claim this bit of the £12k back!)

And do all the banking/debt checks - they’re important for accountability. He’s broken trust here and you need to safeguard yours and the kids’ interests. It’s not easy and I really hope it’s the last of it, but please be careful and sceptical.

They sound not very bright. It's one thing to gamble a fiver and win 12k and gamble x20 the original stake again. To squander the whole amount is beyond daft. I'd struggle to respect the person who made that choice.