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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His mother...

46 replies

anotheonetthrowback · 16/01/2025 15:19

I'm not sure if its an issue or not. I started seeing a guy, really nice, could be the one. Was impressed when we first met at how involved with his family he was- looking after nieces and nephews, helping his mum out, that sort of thing. I thought it showed how responsible, caring and what a family orientated man he was.

However I am not sure if his mum might be an issue, and can't get a read on it. Because his brother has kids, most (all) of the running around after his mum falls to him, and there's a lot. Which is fine, but more and more she seems to have an emergency or medical appointment whilst we are doing something or when we have planned a date.

It wouldn't and didn't bother me, but I am not sure now if it actually kind of intentional on her part. Almost every week there is something that crops up on 'our' time. As in he's helping here throughout the week, but these are things in addition to those during something we have planned. I've had a tricky MIL in the past, so I am not sure if I am just paranoid. But how many emergencies it too many? At what point do you start to push back or suggest that the brother start to pick up his share. I get that his brother has a family, but my BF will never get a family if she keeps sticking her oar in!!

OP posts:
khakilover · 16/01/2025 15:22

how long have you been with him?

and “our time”… how much of the week is “our time”?

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 16/01/2025 15:22

Plan a date that involves not having a phone to hand..... Cinema /climbing wall /gallery.... See his reaction when he inevitably has missed calls from her...

Original poster
anotheonetthrowback · 16/01/2025 15:29

khakilover · 16/01/2025 15:22

how long have you been with him?

and “our time”… how much of the week is “our time”?

14/15 months maybe. Our time I'm counting as one evening a week and one weekend day. The other weekend day would already be reserved for family stuff

OP posts:
sparebooks · 16/01/2025 15:45

Personally I wouldn't have got involved with him. It's too much and doesn't lead anywhere good (for you!)

TipsyKoala · 16/01/2025 16:05

Is the mother elderly? In which case it's understandable. If not then I would be worried.

JammySlag · 16/01/2025 16:08

run

outerspacepotato · 16/01/2025 16:10

Not "the one".

He's too enmeshed with his family to get a life of his own.

Createausername1970 · 16/01/2025 16:15

If you think she is doing it deliberately then bring It to his attention. But in a round-about way, not an accusing way.

If you have plans to go somewhere, just casually say something like "looking forward to xxx this weekend, do you think your mum will be ok though? She has called the last couple of times we have tried to have a day out, so it would be nice to actually get there, I enjoy our days out"

He may not have realised it follows a pattern, so ideally you chuck a pebble in the pool, and he works out the ripples himself.

What happens once he is more aware is what you need to find out.

Original poster
anotheonetthrowback · 16/01/2025 16:16

outerspacepotato · 16/01/2025 16:10

Not "the one".

He's too enmeshed with his family to get a life of his own.

That's my concern... I'm starting to think she's yanking his chain and he encourages it by always jumping; rather than her genuinely needing help then and there.

She's older, but by no means elderly. She still drives for example, but will phone him for a lift.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 16/01/2025 16:24

You're pissing against the wind with this one.
He'll continue to be at her beck and call.
She'll continue to intrude on your dates, despite having more than enough of his time already.
And as she ages it'll get way worse.
You're time together or plans will never be relaxing as they could be changed at the drop of a hat, cancelled or rescheduled.
Whether or not she's doing it on purpose is irrelevant.
She says jump, he says how high.
You're onto a hiding to nothing.
And even if you bring it up to him, chances are he'll tell his DM, then your cards will be truly marked.

Original poster
anotheonetthrowback · 16/01/2025 18:00

It seems the bulk of you agree with my gut feeling. It's a real shame, I don't want to come between him and family, but what has become apparent is in the last 3 or 4 months its really ramped up a gear. It leads me to suspect that because she feels 'this one is getting serious' she needs to put a stop to it lest she lose her run-a-round

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 16/01/2025 18:20

anotheonetthrowback · 16/01/2025 18:00

It seems the bulk of you agree with my gut feeling. It's a real shame, I don't want to come between him and family, but what has become apparent is in the last 3 or 4 months its really ramped up a gear. It leads me to suspect that because she feels 'this one is getting serious' she needs to put a stop to it lest she lose her run-a-round

He may be unaware, so I still recommend gently throwing in the pebble and see where the ripples take you.

He may not want to change, or he might see that it needs controlling.

If you are happy in other respects, then try to resolve it first.

SandieWooz · 21/01/2025 18:56

Dump him and run as fast as you can - far, far away.

GreenFields07 · 21/01/2025 19:13

I agree with a PP about testing the waters first, I wouldnt necessarily go straight to dump here. He might not even know there's an issue, its something that hes obviously done for a long time and its just a habit. You said yourself it shows that he has a caring side. This is an issue with his mum and something that he may be able to nip in the bud with a little guidance.
Are you his first serious relationship? My best friend has met someone at 37 who has never had a gf, his mum does absolutely everything for him including all his finances etc. My friend is giving him the benefit of the doubt, giving him time and patience with a little encouragement from her, to figure things out himself and its definitely working. Hes realising a lot of things he can do himself and his mum is backing off.
OP just speak to him, calmly explain that you feel a little brushed aside. Ask if hes willing to make your dates a priority and turn your phones off when you're having time alone. Tell him that you absolutely dont want to create any tension with his family but that you deserve to be his priority when you're spending time together. Give him this one chance after a conversation and obviously if he doesnt see your side then absolutely run far away!

Richard1985 · 21/01/2025 19:15

Next time it happens just say “I’m starting to think this is deliberate sabotage of our relationship” followed by a massive laugh to show you are obviously, obviously joking

See what his reaction is

Greyish2025 · 21/01/2025 19:15

anotheonetthrowback · 16/01/2025 18:00

It seems the bulk of you agree with my gut feeling. It's a real shame, I don't want to come between him and family, but what has become apparent is in the last 3 or 4 months its really ramped up a gear. It leads me to suspect that because she feels 'this one is getting serious' she needs to put a stop to it lest she lose her run-a-round

If you are ending it you should be clear as to the reason why so he Dosen’t make the same mistake again

GreatGardenstuff · 21/01/2025 19:30

Have you asked him if he wants a family of his own in future? Or about where your relationship is heading. If he says he’s serious, you can lead a conversation gently in the direction of when will you take priority over his family (mum)? Will he still devote as much time to her when he has kids of his own. You could tell him that’s not going to work for you, and see how that lands.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 21/01/2025 19:41

Of course initially you thought great - this is a person who really cares about their family. But then, as you have found, those family patterns begin to emerge. And they are patterns developed over years and culturally. My now ex-DH's mother was very manipulative - so obviously so - that he had moved far away. But the manipulation showed up in other ways - phone calls where she accused him of not caring because he hadn't phoned that week; he needed to send big displays for birthdays, mothers day etc. Over time that took it's toll. I am aware the current partner wont play ball - refuses pretty much to stay more than 1 might with the "inlaws". But they don't have DC. Whereas he and I did. And of course that isn't a strong enough reason to refuse to see them.

Talk to him, but he may not be able over time to undo that conditioning. If you have a family the conditioning will strengthen.

PS your own family might be great now, but my mum has started to show some of the same emotional manipulation as she's aged. Unluckily for her I know the signs!

cheddercherry · 21/01/2025 20:33

To be honest if he can’t go one day and an evening a week without running straight back to her for seemingly trivial reasons and it’s never occurred to him to say “sorry mum I'm with x right now I can’t just run you to the shop when you can drive” then I wouldn’t see much hope for a future if he’s already so enmeshed. I’d imagine it would be worse as she ages/ you get more serious.

Miaminmoo · 21/01/2025 20:33

Run. I ignored MIL red flags when I was younger. I had a boyfriend (I foolishly went on to marry him) and granted we were only 18 but one of the first times I went to his house we wanted to watch a film and his Mum came and sat and watched it with us and then actually started holding his hand. She was difficult for our whole 7 year relationship and one of the (many) reasons I called it quits in the end. She did so many ridiculous and possessive things and even when we bought our first house she tried to stop us staying there on our first night. She was married to his Dad and had a good life but she couldn’t let her baby go. They don’t change or give up.

Hedgehogcarer · 21/01/2025 20:33

Run for the hills. I suffered for years with the MIL from hell. Every time we had a trip or holiday booked she would make sure she had a medical emergency. Her acting skills were worth an Oscar. Get out while you can.

Coffeeandwalnutcakes · 21/01/2025 20:41

Don’t just throw your relationship away without at least trying to address the problem with him. It’s easy for MN clowns to tell you to run for the hills but it’s your life and you thought he could be the one apart from this issue.
At least raise your concerns with him and see if he is willling to listen and try to change. Good luck

Phyllisve · 21/01/2025 21:57

anotheonetthrowback · 16/01/2025 15:19

I'm not sure if its an issue or not. I started seeing a guy, really nice, could be the one. Was impressed when we first met at how involved with his family he was- looking after nieces and nephews, helping his mum out, that sort of thing. I thought it showed how responsible, caring and what a family orientated man he was.

However I am not sure if his mum might be an issue, and can't get a read on it. Because his brother has kids, most (all) of the running around after his mum falls to him, and there's a lot. Which is fine, but more and more she seems to have an emergency or medical appointment whilst we are doing something or when we have planned a date.

It wouldn't and didn't bother me, but I am not sure now if it actually kind of intentional on her part. Almost every week there is something that crops up on 'our' time. As in he's helping here throughout the week, but these are things in addition to those during something we have planned. I've had a tricky MIL in the past, so I am not sure if I am just paranoid. But how many emergencies it too many? At what point do you start to push back or suggest that the brother start to pick up his share. I get that his brother has a family, but my BF will never get a family if she keeps sticking her oar in!!

Would he agree to his brother being ‘on call’ for their mum for one day a week so you and he could spend the day together ?

Snowmanscarf · 21/01/2025 22:03

What sort of emergencies are they?

Lickedthespoon · 21/01/2025 22:52

I've not read all posts but are you sure his mom is actually asking him? He's not using her as an excuse!?

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