His mother...

[anotheonetthrowback]

I'm not sure if its an issue or not. I started seeing a guy, really nice, could be the one. Was impressed when we first met at how involved with his family he was- looking after nieces and nephews, helping his mum out, that sort of thing. I thought it showed how responsible, caring and what a family orientated man he was.

However I am not sure if his mum might be an issue, and can't get a read on it. Because his brother has kids, most (all) of the running around after his mum falls to him, and there's a lot. Which is fine, but more and more she seems to have an emergency or medical appointment whilst we are doing something or when we have planned a date.

It wouldn't and didn't bother me, but I am not sure now if it actually kind of intentional on her part. Almost every week there is something that crops up on 'our' time. As in he's helping here throughout the week, but these are things in addition to those during something we have planned. I've had a tricky MIL in the past, so I am not sure if I am just paranoid. But how many emergencies it too many? At what point do you start to push back or suggest that the brother start to pick up his share. I get that his brother has a family, but my BF will never get a family if she keeps sticking her oar in!!

He's very enmeshed with his mum and I'm not surprised he's single. His mum doesn't want to lose him, I doubt her problem is with you.

Your problem throughout your relationship is going to be the fact that he can't stand up to his mum.

Has he ever said no? Seems a bit manipulative of her.

Does his mam have a motel?

Well, if you want to be his mum's helper, go for it.

Not my circus or my monkeys.

You need to tell him how you feel. And keep his brother out of it, you can't dictate that he helps out.

The issue is it will only get worse the longer you are together.

I would speak to him about it and point out how often it happens and whether he thins it's reasonable. Remind him she can drive snd has other family to call on and ask why would his mum want him to cancel plans/cut time short with his gf ?

If he's reasonable and willing to discuss and compromise then it's worth continuing. If he gets defensive/accusatory then you know there's no changing this situation and you either have to accept it or move on.

You have to really think hard and see if you see a future with this guy. You also have to see if he has got your back in all of this. If he sticks up for his mum when you raise that concern, then it isn't worth it because he will choose her over and over again. My husband is everything I want in a man but his mother is an awful person. But he calls her out all the time for her behaviour and he sticks up for me every time. That's how I know he's worth sticking around for. You've got to think about it like that.

The only things my mum gets me and my siblings to do is stuff online like booking holidays or ordering stuff.

Is she ill or really old?

I agree with other posters. How many 'emergencies' can one person have in a week!!! It doesn't ring true, unless she has underlying serious health conditions. If she drives, why does she need your partner to give her lifts?! Unfortunately, you are on a hiding to nothing here. She calls, and he runs to her, regardless of his plans. If you marry, this will be your life, and it will probably be worse, as she'll ramp it up even more. As she ages, it will become considerably worse too. Yes, your partner has a brother, who has a family, but that doesn't mean he can't help at all. Unfortunately, your partner needs to recognise and understand the impact on his own life, and be the one to initiate change. It may be your partner is the last to find a partner and she's desperately trying to hang on to her 'little boy'.

You have been together over a year I don’t think one evening and one weekend day is a huge amount of time. In fact, I would say at this stage it’s not enough if you want to progress your relationship.
If you want to settle down and have children with this man you are in for a world of pain. I agree that his mother may keep trying to sabotage things to see you off.
It deserves a conversation. But I wouldn’t hold out much hope.
In these situations I often picture an old lady, late 80’s, in poor health and very frail.
I am then often shocked to find they are around my age (late 50’s) and have no need to be this demanding. If she is fit enough to walk, and able to drive, then she should not be demanding transport.
Of course, your partner should be free to spend time with his mum but it should be just that. Not drama-filled events which happen to land on the few hours you get with him.

I think it's great he's that involved and caring, as you mentioned. This is a norm in many traditional households, and definitely in some ethnicities. So how do they do it? As someone suggested earlier, have some phone-free dates arranged, but at other times, I do wonder if you can also come along to help out? That way you are with him, and you can better gauge whether all this is intentional (as it may be, but also may not...). You can then feel how welcomed you are or whether you are perceived as a threat. The sooner you figure this out, the better for you! Separately, I would not suggest offloading to his brother or interfering in any other way. I am sure he's a grown man who is able to manage this issue well - if he is the type of man you describe. If he is being abused by his mother, then another red flag. However, I do see it as a blessing, and in many cultures, it is a wonderful thing to be this caring and devoted to your family - in the hope that it is reciprocated - that one day, she too would offer her time and efforts to her sons's families/grandchildren etc.

I agree you should tell him.

I'm kind of having this issue and it's getting worse the older she is getting. I feel his mother is number 1 priority above me now, I'm not going to leave as we have kids and been together a long time, but it is intense at times, I'm talking daily phone calls, early morning messages, messages after he's dropped her home or already spoken to her in the evening etc. When we are on family holidays she still gets her daily phone call. If I had known it would be like this I probably would have ended it years ago. It's also difficult as he loves his mum obviously, but when it impacts your relationship its hard. You may need to talk to him about it but I don't see it changing anything.

Just be warned it can blow up... my MIL is like this. It culminated in a conversation where she was literally whining at DH about why he wasn't leaving me in hospital recovering from surgery to go and visit her. Apparently he always had time for me and not her, etc.

DH had a right go at her and now they're not speaking, after a series of horrible letters from her.

What I'm saying is, she might not let go easily. I think this is worth addressing sooner rather than later, though.

Thanks everyone. She's not really old, or unwell, she is a widow though and I think misses family companionship. I wouldn't say she's lonely, as she has plenty of friends, but I think would rather spend time with family. Every favour or summons comes with a "I must buy you lunch to say thank you" and so becomes an outing.

If it were a real crisis I'd feel slightly less concerned almost- but when he gets a call because she needs help with an "emergency" (latest was a lightbulb needed to be changed), goes round, solves it and then has to go to the cafe for tea and cake as a thank you it feels a little more like she's yanking his chain.

He's too much a mamma's boy throw him back .
I'd be brutally honest about why you are breaking up with him though and tell him if he ever wants a family of his own he needs to address the issue of his mother and quickly or women are just going to keep leaving him

I’ve got a jealous, interfering mother in law and it has damaged my marriage. If I have any advice for you it is to start as you mean to go on. Don’t allow constant visits that become more frequent. Keep her at arm’s length. I also fell for the “what a nice family man” thing when it is in fact enmeshment.

Why not accompany him on these emergency visits and the subsequent café and cake ? Show her you are a couple. How he and she react to your constant presence will be very revealing !

My mil made all the right noises about us getting together... When I had an emcs mil expected dp (now dh) to leave me and our premature baby to go on their annual family trip.
Tbh she never forgave him /more me when he refused and we haven't seen her for 10 years..
Nowt as odd as a mil ime.

Dp needs to grow a pair, and learn to say ‘no’. what would happen if dp said that he’ll call around the next day? Does dp like to be ‘the knight in shining armour’?

I line the idea that you should accompany him on these mercy missions as well. United front etc.

I think you have to talk to him. He needs to have a conversation with his mum about the fact that while he’s not going anywhere and won’t be abandoning her, he also has the right to build a family and she needs to allow him space to do that.

It’s not fair of her to expect him to fill the void left by her late husband. And she sounds young enough that she might yet meet somebody else if she were so inclined. It feels a little like now one of her kids has supplied grandchildren, she’s allocated the other one the role of her carer, and that’s not something she should be deciding for him.

He may be aware of what’s going on and not know how to broach it with her. But in the meantime I like PP’s idea of going with him to handle these emergencies to present a united front and make subtly clear that she’s not going to come between you, if he isn’t yet mentally or emotionally ready to be more direct.