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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gone away for a week and Mil Controlling DH

45 replies

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2025 13:29

Need a rant and advice. I have talked about how controlling and interfering my mother in law is before on here

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4719643-to-think-mil-is-batshit-and-if-i-am-unreasonable-going-low-contact?page=1

I am away for work for 2 weeks on the other side of the world. My Dh and son were staying with my Mil other the weekend, and she is staying in a hotel near by for this week.
At the weekend she took our son around graves of distant dead relatives he never met for the day. He is 7 and has severe autism and it isn't that appropriate given his level of development and how he can get fixated on things. I think so anyway given where he is at the moment given his disability. He can get fixated on things and say strange things about death. Then she didn't drive them home until the Monday (dh can't drive) so his missed a day of school.

Now she is saying how cluttered and dirty our house is. That we need to put things in storage and get a professional cleaner. Get the moss on the roof sorted. Going on and on about what things that need done and cleaned. Granted I don't live in a show home but its not some filthy pig sty and the main clutter is childrens toys and books. Especially given I work full time (well kind of its a fully funded full time PhD), have a disabled child, 2 year old, do the school run (because we live outside catchment area and husband can't drive) and the lion share of the cooking and cleaning.
I will go home and I bet she will have rearranged things in the house.

Can she just off, I am sick of her. She thinks she gets a say in everything my husband does.

To think Mil is batshit and if I am unreasonable going low contact? | Mumsnet

For family members birthdays she contacts dh to make sure he sends cards and presents. Sometimes she even tries to pick the present he should get or t...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4719643-to-think-mil-is-batshit-and-if-i-am-unreasonable-going-low-contact?page=1%5D%5D

OP posts:

labamba007 · 16/01/2025 13:31

It's surely up to your DH to say 'mum going around graves is not appropriate'? Is he saying anything at all?

Purpleturtle46 · 16/01/2025 13:33

Why is she staying in a hotel nearby for the week? To help your husband?

username299 · 16/01/2025 13:34

I haven't read your other thread.

Why did your husband allow her to take your child around graves and miss school?

Is he relaying all her criticism to you or is she calling you?

If it's your husband, just say you don't want to know. If she's calling you then refer her to your husband and stop taking her calls.

Orangelight23 · 16/01/2025 13:36

Well if your DH has felt the need to stay there for the weekend and have her in a hotel nearby to help out while you're away then I think he's your starting point.

Dearg · 16/01/2025 13:37

It’s the age old husband problem. He is there, in the moment with his mother. He needs to tell her to go home, and stop meddling.

But your post reads like he is unlikely to do that, and he wants his mum to help parent his son - does she drive your ds to school?

So, will your DH support you ? If not, is he worth the role of husband?

Shrinkingrose · 16/01/2025 13:39

You kinda sound as bad as each other, you aren’t even there and trying ro control it, what’s wrong with your husband that he can’t stand up to her, or you ?

StormingNorman · 16/01/2025 13:42

This is a DH problem, not a MIL problem. Your anger is focused on the wrong person.

Original poster

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2025 13:45

Why is she staying in a hotel nearby for the week? To help your husband? Yeah her idea. My mum has our 2 year old so he should not really need help. There is a bus that goes close to the school

Is he relaying all her criticism to you Yeah about about our messy house that needs a professional clean etc

Why did your husband allow her to take your child around graves and miss school? Is he saying anything at all? Getting him to stand up to his mum has been a long difficult road with many arguments, when I am the other side of the world it is even more difficult.

OP posts:

soupmaker · 16/01/2025 13:45

I've read your other thread. Your MIL is batshit, and your DH needs to step up and deal with her nonsense.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 16/01/2025 13:47

Your DH needed his mother to help with a 7yo?!

I think your issue is with your DH. He sounds quite useless.

Original poster

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2025 13:47

You kinda sound as bad as each other, you aren’t even there and trying ro control it My husband just messaged me saying about professional cleaners etc. I didn't need to ask why.
He said they took our son around graves at the weekend - I don't think its appropriate at this moment in time given were he is in his development - I care about my childrens wellbeing. And my Dh finds it difficult to stand up to his mother

OP posts:

Endofyear · 16/01/2025 13:48

Your problem isn't your MIL. Your problem is your husband. He is allowing this and goes along with her!

CatsorDogsrule · 16/01/2025 13:48

I've not read previous thread. Your husband doesn't drive, so unless getting taxis or have another form of transport to school twice a day, your family needs her help.

You know what she's like, so just have to deal with it. At least you have 2 weeks away from her!

Maybe your DH will realise he needs to speak with her or figure out an alternative.

YABU.

SeatbeltExtender · 16/01/2025 13:49

Is your husband unwell?
Why does he need all this help from his mother?

Original poster

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2025 13:50

Your husband doesn't drive, so unless getting taxis or have another form of transport to school twice a day, your family needs her help There is a bus that goes from practically outside our house to the botton of the road the school is on.

OP posts:

OhBling · 16/01/2025 13:51

UsernameTalk · 16/01/2025 13:47

It's still a DH problem. Because if graves are inappropriate for your 7 year old, ten your DH needs to stand up because if he can't, he's not much use as a parent is he? Ditto, he clearly doesn't think it's a big deal to miss school. If you DO think it's a big deal to miss school, then you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

That's not to say your MIL isn't batshit, but that ultimately, your DH is going along with her bullshit. If he thinks the house is messy and cluttered then perhaps HE can clean it or he can organise a cleaner. Instead, he's just making it your problem. Does he enjoy the conflict nbetween the two of you? {Perhaps he likes to feel like he's the prize you're fighting over?

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 16/01/2025 13:51

Can you access podcasts?
Listen to a great one by Mel Robbins on her new book Let Them.
It is about what you can and cannot control.
You are going to drive yourself mad and your MIL
will remain batshit.
It is clear your husband has no backbone. You can choose your response to your MIL.
She needs telling, firmly and repeatedly what is not acceptable around you and your children.
How she behaves around her own son is her business.
Your home is your home, it has nothing to do with her.
You don’t have be rude and you need to repeat what you have to say and mean it.
If she reacts as I suspect she might… let her.
I am in my 50’s and after a lifetime of people pleasing I read this book and it was like a light went on in my head.
We don’t get that long on this earth, we each have a precious life, there is no point wasting time on these people and their inappropriate behaviours.
And if it causes problems in your marriage, say the same to your DH.

MorrisZapp · 16/01/2025 13:57

You're talking about your husband as if he is a pet, not a functioning adult. If your house is a mess and mil is aware you're both very busy, professional cleaning is literally the first suggestion MN would make to ease the load. It's a reasonable idea, and entirely up to you if you do it or not.

Your DH is either fit to meet your 7 year olds needs or he isn't. He clearly saw no issue with the grave thing.

ItGhoul · 16/01/2025 14:07

Lots of people have pointed out to you here that your DH is the problem here. Yes, your MIL is a pain in the arse, but your problem is actually that your DH a) won't stand up to her and b) keeps telling you about all the rude/annoying things she says about your home etc when you're not there.

You married a weak-willed mummy's boy. This is the problem. Unless he will learn to stand up to his mother, there is no point in you asking for advice about your MIL's behaviour. She isn't going to change. Your DH could, but apparently won't.

The other problem is that you allow yourself to be riled by things that don't really matter. Why do you even care what your MIL thinks of your house? If my DP told me that my MIL said I needed to clean moss off my roof or tidy up more, my reaction would be 'Well, tough, because it's none of her business' and that would be the last I thought about it. You do also seem like you've had so many issues with your MIL that you're now actively looking for small things to be annoyed by. You sound a little bit controlling yourself, in some ways - obviously not on the scale of your MIL, but you apparently don't feel that your DH can make basic decisions about where to take his own child for the day unless he's consulted you first.

Dror · 16/01/2025 14:15

Your husband is utterly pathetic. Does he not gross you out?
Why is your 2yr old with your mother?

Won't correct his mother, happy to let his child be absent from school, telling tales to you about his mummy's words. I'm embarrassed for him just reading about him.

OhBling · 16/01/2025 14:16

If my DP told me that my MIL said I needed to clean moss off my roof or tidy up more, my reaction would be 'Well, tough, because it's none of her business' and that would be the last I thought about it.

If my DP told me that my MIL said I needed to clean moss off my roof or tidy up more, my reaction would be "Well, if she thinks they need doing and you agree, go right ahead".

Maray1967 · 16/01/2025 14:19

Your DH is utterly useless! Getting DC to school is a a pretty basic expectation.

graffittimonkey · 16/01/2025 14:41

Why isn't your DP taking your child to school by bus every day and looking after the kids himself if you feel like he doesn't need his Mums help?

It sounds to me as if he'd prefer to have a driver there and an extra pair of hands.

When you say you "don't live in a show home", your MIL says your home is "cluttered and dirty" and she sleeps in a hotel rather than at yours, it gives the impression that yours is one of those homes where you have to move a pile of stuff before you can sit down anywhere and you then have to move another pile of stuff before you have space to put down your mug or tea/coffee. Is that the case?

As a fairly neat and tidy person myself, I find messy, chaotic houses quite challenging to be in and your MIL could be the same. If you're happy to live in mess, that's fine, but if your DH is expecting someone to give up a fortnight of their time to do two weeks of free childcare, it would have been nice for them to arrive to a clean and tidy home.

Perhaps she's trying to help by organising a cleaner; you clearly feel you have too much on your plate currently to do it.

Your DH is clearly on board with getting a cleaner too as he's trying to organise it, albeit with your help. Is that really such a bad thing?

CountingDownToSummer · 16/01/2025 17:12

You firstly said your MIL took him around graves then said "they" took him so your DH must have been ok with it so why is he then tittle tattling back to you?
I think the problem is your DH op

Naunet · 16/01/2025 17:26

Your husband is an absolutely appalling excuse for a parent. Why can't he parent the 2 kids he fathered for a week? Can you imagine a mother so incompetent that her father in law and father need to step in if her husband is away? That would annoy me more than anything else.

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