Gone away for a week and Mil Controlling DH

[UsernameTalk]

Need a rant and advice. I have talked about how controlling and interfering my mother in law is before on here

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4719643-to-think-mil-is-batshit-and-if-i-am-unreasonable-going-low-contact?page=1

I am away for work for 2 weeks on the other side of the world. My Dh and son were staying with my Mil other the weekend, and she is staying in a hotel near by for this week.
At the weekend she took our son around graves of distant dead relatives he never met for the day. He is 7 and has severe autism and it isn't that appropriate given his level of development and how he can get fixated on things. I think so anyway given where he is at the moment given his disability. He can get fixated on things and say strange things about death. Then she didn't drive them home until the Monday (dh can't drive) so his missed a day of school.

Now she is saying how cluttered and dirty our house is. That we need to put things in storage and get a professional cleaner. Get the moss on the roof sorted. Going on and on about what things that need done and cleaned. Granted I don't live in a show home but its not some filthy pig sty and the main clutter is childrens toys and books. Especially given I work full time (well kind of its a fully funded full time PhD), have a disabled child, 2 year old, do the school run (because we live outside catchment area and husband can't drive) and the lion share of the cooking and cleaning.
I will go home and I bet she will have rearranged things in the house.

Can she just off, I am sick of her. She thinks she gets a say in everything my husband does.

You haven't given a single example of your mil controlling your husband. Certainly she's done some things you don't like, but you don't say anywhere that your husband objected at any time, or was overridden when he gave an opinion. You don't say where he's doing what she tells him.

The idea that your husband couldn’t look after his own children for 2 weeks unaided is pathetic.
The fact that he can’t even look after one is bordering on unbelievable. What exactly do you see in this useless lump?

You have a DH problem

Why are you minimising your husband's role and directing your anger at your mother in law?

He's a parent too. It was up to him if he agreed to the trip to the graves. It was his responsibility to get your child to school. Why does he need so much help?

I’d be furious with DH that your son missed a day of school. How incompetent is he that he can’t even get the basics right while you’re away?

It sounds infuriating. But you can stop a lot of this by not using her as childcare.

If you take help from people like this they’ll think they have a say in your life, unfortunately.

Sorry but it is unreasonable to try to control everything and everyone whilst on the other side of the world. None of this is important so let it go or stay at home where you can micromanage your DH and child.

It clearly states in the opening paragraph the grave visit was on the weekend.

OP sounds much like her the mil she detests so much and incredibly controlling. Husband can't manage two kids, needs women around him to deal with grown up stuff etc. I wouldn't be surprised if he mentioned the grave visit in passing comment, OP went bathshit and he blamed his mum for everything rather than say he wanted to go as well.

I would be more concerned that your DH can't manage a small child by himself for a short time. Unless he invited her for company in which case he should shut down any criticism of your home, and maybe just see her out of the house.

OP, please read Mel Robbins book’Let Them’, a pp mentioned her podcast.
It’s such a revelation.
In a nutshell, you can only control yourself and your behaviour. You can’t change MIL or DH. So let them crack on. Most importantly, you can reflect and react, which is the crucial’Let Me’ bit. So, let me decide that my house is acceptable, so I will calmly and maturely tell them this. Let me tell MIL that she does not take my son to visit graves.

It clearly states further down the original post that he also missed a day off school, so your post makes you look stupid.

I'm assuming your DH works so he brought his mother for help or were you expecting him to do school run before and after work ?

Who normally minds your youngest ? Is it your mother and that's why they are with her ?

Why is she staying in a hotel ? Would it not be better for her to stay in your house so she can do whatever it is she's there for

I haven’t read the other thread but I do not think saying the house needs a clean once (not going in and in) is something that dms do. The graves, so the child did miss school. Did she ask you first and you said no, and she did it anyway?

You're away with work for 2 weeks and you have your mum watching one of your children and his mum is staying in a nearby hotel to help with the other child...is your husband useless? Can he not look after his own children? not even one of them?

Also, if DH went with them to look around graves then, again, is he useless? he could have said no, it's very easy to do, but he didn't. He is who you should be annoyed with.

You have a DH problem, not a MIL problem. You're taking out all the issues you have with your husband on her.

Your DH needs to grow a backbone and learn how to drive

You have three DC, not two

So why did his father allow that to happen? He’s complicit in all this.

@Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles - oh calling me stupid. So clever. Idiot

What exactly does your husband bring to your family? You do the driving, the cooking, the cleaning & presumably most of the childcare given the 2 year old is with your mother and not him.

Unless he is a very high earner what is the point of him? Why not send him home to mummy.

@UsernameTalk how old did you say you dh was?? 5????? does he not work? I would seriously be telling mil to get herself home and leave your house and dh alone! he doesnt need anyone to look after him. he is an adult!!

I posted on your other thread back in 2023 and I honestly can't believe that you haven't lost the plot by this point in time with your DH about how he doesn't stand up to his mother about you and your kid and how he has no issue standing up to you (those arguments you've mentioned more than once) when you point out how unreasonable and nosey and interfering his mother is.

At this point in time, I really don't think the issue is her, it's how he reacts to her and with her so you have a choice to make.

Are you going to stay with him through thick and thin or are you going to cut all ties, take your kid away from him and leave?

If you do decide to stay what I would do is make one of the terms and conditions of you staying is that you move home/location and he has no further contact with her. At all. It then becomes a You or Her choice for him.