Gift giving and joke

[DaisyLou33]

I have CPTSD from very abusive mother. She would never like presents I got her, even when little. And would watch my reactions like a hawk. I hate Christmas and gifts and giving gifts because of it.

I gave my boyfriend his gifts last night and I had just explained how anxious I was about the whole thing and him not liking them. And I felt sick and what she used to do and thats why I get so nervous.

I gave him a jumper and I said I was worried you wouldn't like the colour. He said its a lovely colour, shame it's a horrible top. I said oh no, really. He said I'm joking. You're doing that thing again. Over thinking. But then I was just worried he didn't like it.

I had asked our friend to text him and say what whisky is good if she were buying. So I get an idea what he liked. He said if you like one to taste like antiseptic get x and if you like a classy one, get x. Well they didn't have the classy one, but I got one the same price which was more expensive than the antiseptic.

When I gave it I said I've got the receipt if no good. He said well I do like the other (antiseptic) one but its fine. I'm not going to swap it for a few quid. Thank you. I said I didn't think you did because you said antiseptic and he said I like that. And I said oh sorry, I just went with the more expensive trying to go with the more classy one.

All in all I've come away feeling rubbish. And I don't get the joke after what I had just explained. Am I being too sensitive?

This seems to be very much a problem on your side which you do recognise - did he perhaps think he was lightening the mood?

Appreciate you have issues around gifts, but it prior to giving me a birthday gift someone had to explain how anxious they were about my reaction I would 100% be then massively overthinking my reaction and probably need to make a joke about it.

Giving someone a gift, pre explaining how anxious you are and then when they open the gift pointing out things you were worried they wouldn't like / questioning them about the gift probably isn't going to give you the best experience! Best to give the gift without any explanation and see an authentic reaction. Most people don't overly react to gifts, even ones they really like.

You are being oversensitive and making what should be a lovely experience a stressful miserable one where he has to watch his reactions so you don’t freak out.

Most people just say thank you when they receive a gift. You made it a big deal and he probably felt under pressure. It sounds like you need people to really praise the gift you've given them.

I don't think you're being too sensitive, I think you lack confidence and over think. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself to get perfect gifts

Your situation is complex and very sad indeed. But it must have been pretty uncomfortable and possibly overwhelming for your boyfriend to be faced with such a detailed explanation in advance of being given some gifts. Unless he is otherwise a bit of a dick (in which case you know what to do) I would just write his comments off as his not really knowing how to respond. It sounds very intense. You meant well and went to a lot of thought but I wonder, given the extent of your issues, over present giving whether it would be better to agree not to exchange gifts at all?

Oh god no, I want the opposite. I hate praise and just the whole thing. He was more making the big deal. Can't explain and then said shame it's a horrible top. He has a habit of saying cutting remarks historically. But yes, I am conscious it'd probably me.

He sounds a bit dickish. How long are u together ?

Yes, you're right. It more just felt a bit deliberate that I'd said I was bit nervous and then he said shame it's a horrible top. Then critised the whisky if that makes sense. He has habit of being extremely critical about everything. But I am conscious around this, maybe I took it to heart too much.

Yes possibly you're right. He can be very manipulative which he admits to. And 2 counsellors have suggested I consider if he could be a narc, so this is where I get very confused. Because it did feel slightly intentional but equally, I know I am sensitive around this area.

3 years on and off. He's split up with me 3 times during that time.

It sounds like you've experienced a horrible childhood and are now with a horrible man. Is it time to spend some time without him and work on your self esteem?

I understand what you mean but I haven't said anything to him about it. And I hate watching others reactions because of what was done to me. I don't want a big reaction etc. It was more the joke after I specifically said I get nervous giving people gifts. I didnt really make a big thing I had just let him in when cuddling and then he joked about my fear. That's how it felt anyway.

OP your updates have made me sad. If you think he was being deliberately nasty to you and possibly exploiting your vulnerability around this issue then he is not a good person to have in your life. After 3 years together, even off and on (from your original post I thought this was a newish relationship) he will know this is a tricky area for you to navigate.

It isn't hard to express gratitude for a gift someone has given you, it's a basic social skill young kids can master, so if he can't help but make cutting remarks and then pretend he is making a "joke", it suggests he has some problems
In addition it sounds like he can't or won't give consideration to your circumstances -.it's easy to recognise you just need a bit of reassurance in addition to basic gratitude, it's not bloody rocket science, and suggests he doesn't have adequate skills to be in a relationship and potentially is someone who quite enjoys cutting you down to size.

Your updates are concerning. Two counsellors have said he's possible a narcissist. I'd believe them and hey or if this relationship! His reaction to your gifts was just nasty.
Your deserve better.

This is what makes me so sad today. We had met up yesterday and I had explained that I am at my limit. He is triggering me so badly because I can't work out of he is intentionally or unintentionally gaslighting me all the time. Doing all the manipulative things he does because of avoidance or because he's more like my mum (after counselling and they said this too) and that I can't cope anymore trying to work out the intent behind his unhealthy behaviours all the time. And he admitted he does do them etc. And then that very evening I just mention I am apprehensive around giving gifts and he has been extremely critical around things historically and he straight away jokes about that. I really didn't understand and then says I'm overthinking but I'd just literally told him. So again, I'm back to trying to work out intent. He will often say its nuts/childish/no other girl/too sensitive etc/over thinking but like then, I'd literally just told him the thing and then he jokes about it. I find that odd.

I'm sorry, but this isn't a healthy relationship.

I actually do think you're being over-sensitive about the joke he made about the top you bought him. However, there's quite a drip-feed in your follow-up posts about his behaviour in general where you add that he's a manipulative narcissist and has a history of being hyper-critical. And there is nothing healthy about a relationship in which you get dumped three times in three years. No wonder you're insecure. I'd be insecure in a relationship where I was constantly getting dumped too. Anyone would.

I'm sure there are times when you do over-think, but at the moment you seem to over-thinking the trivial stuff while under-thinking the important stuff. The important thing here is not 'Was my boyfriend a dick for making a joke when I gave him a jumper?' The important thing here is 'Should I be in a relationship with a manipulative, hyper-critical narcissist who has ended things with me three times?' and the answer to that question is no, you shouldn't. He's very bad for you.

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. Those early wounds really sting, even years later.

Do you acknowledge what a big step it is for you to expose yourself to perceived rejection? You’ve been brave enough to take a risk, even though it’s deeply uncomfortable for you, in order to please someone you care about. Even though it sounds like, sadly, your partner has not recognised this, I hope you can.

And, I hope you find healing ❤️‍🩹

Yes, I think I probably am. I think my brain is turning. I get so confused trying to work out intent all the time. Last year my mother was found dead. Although she was awful, I still sobbed. He left me in bed sobbing that night and went home. Said he didn't love me enough to change. I've justified that because of avoidance and he couldn't deal with emotions. He says the same. But was it worse. My dad was in resus, he stormed out because I didn't have enough milk once. But I think he gets overwhelmed with change in routine, or is it worse. I'm constantly having to work it out.

You don't have to say every thought that comes into your head so don't say I am nervous, you are doing that to try and manipulate him to saying it's lovely, you can't manage other people like that. Caveat I know exactly why you are doing it , I am not having a go at you but you must own it.

It is sucking the pleasure out of gift giving and I can do this as well but more telling people not to get me gifts don't get the big size font spend too much. Its a coping mechanism from childhood to try and remove any disappointment before it happens but is not nice for others.

However, if you do all that and stop trying to manage him and he is an arse about a present then get rid of him.

Oh now I posted before I saw this about lack of support after a bereavement, what i said about managing other people stands but he should have supported you . And all the other stuff. The present thing is a distraction, it's all the other stuff. Please leave him and get some counselling. Narcissists can spot damaged people a mile off , he will be getting so much pleasure from emotionally torturing you.

I think I understand. I would try that approach next time. I think I haven't done it so much with others but he never likes the the things I do either, so I think I say it because I know there will be something wrong. So yes maybe I am trying to manipulate it. I see what you mean. I have a sense of dread which I don't so much with my friends and I'm now literally just realising it may be more again to do with him. Like when I booked the place to go away, everything was wrong with it. No WiFi, it was down too windy lane, etc etc etc. So I felt I ruined the holiday and he clearly didn't like it. But I get very nervous buying or doing things for him now. So I probably do try and control the situation possibly, you're right.

I have stuck with and refused to believe he can because I don't want him to be. I have thought maybe it's more a dismissive avoidant attachment. But whatever it is, I think I have to admit defeat. It isn't healthy for me. I've been working so hard at getting stronger and getting help and I can't seem to change this for the better.

"So again, I'm back to trying to work out intent"

OP, at this stage I think it's fair to say his intent is not good. A caring partner would take care about how they react to a gift, knowing this is a trigger point for you. He made a nasty joke instead.

You say you're working on yourself and that is great. My suspicion is that he is holding you back. Is probably time to move on from him!

Forget the present stuff. He sounds like a nasty piece of shit and you need to get rid.

I don't think that you are being oversensitive at all. I also believe that he is trying to weaken you. Controlling?

Anyway, his motives are unimportant, it's how he makes you feel that matters. And you feel like shit, doubting yourself and overthinking. You need a partner who adds to your strength and happiness.