To be annoyed at historic sharing of pictures of my DC?

[Piccalilyofthevalley]

I’ll start by saying I’ve had issues with my SIL for many years. As a result I have very little to do with her.

Before Christmas I attended a big family birthday bash and 2 complete strangers (not family) came up to me and told me they’ve been following my DCs lives and hearing all about them since they were babies. SIL has been sending them photos, and videos of my DC for years and posting things about my DC on her FB, instagram and whatever else she uses.

Now we don’t share these things with SIL, so she has been passed them by my MIL who my DH shares things with, at her request. Then SIL uploads them onto her social media for hundreds of her followers to see. She doesn’t have DC of her own, so perhaps she doesn’t know about the safeguarding side of this, but I haven’t given her permission to splatter images of my DC on social media. At gatherings she also would take a photo or video of my DC then be on her phone doing something with it, then I think she’d pick up the phone as comments come in. I should’ve said something then, but didn’t have concrete evidence she was uploading their images.

My DC are all teens now, and she’s still doing it.

I’m not happy that I’ve tried to be security conscious about my DC and not posted things about them online, but she’s just plastered them for years and I didn’t know anything about it. I was standing there listening to these 2 people tell me all about my DC and this photo, and that video and I was like “who the hell are you?”

Is it too late to say anything to her? It’ll cause a rift with her enablers, PIL, but next it’ll be my DGC when my DC are a bit older.

AIBU - let it go for family harmony
YANBU - she really shouldn’t be doing it

Unless this is going to be a massive drip feed where you/your DC are in protection from an abusive ex or another situation, YABVU. Your DC are teens now? Sounds like SIL is just excited and loves your kids which most people would probably appreciate. Why didn’t you bring this up with her 10+ years ago when DC were babies?

Because I only found out a few weeks ago.

I would be livid and think that as a parent who has not made this choice she should be made to remove all.

Its revolting and an invasion of privacy. Tell her to remove what she has posted or you will complain to fb. Parenthetically: tell her to get a fucking life.

So their aunt has been sharing (proudly by the sounds of it) images/videos of your her nieces/nephews on social media, supplied by her mother - your MIL? And you yourselves don't put anything about your children on social media? And you've only just discovered this?

Well it's a conversation that you and your DH need to have in person with both your MIL and SIL at the same time isn't it? Something along the lines of:

"Hi both - having chatted to X and Y at the party recently, they mentioned that they had been following the progress of DC1 and DC2 on social media for some time. Both DH and I agreed when both were born that we didn't want to share images/videos of them online, so can we ask you that you don't share these types of materials outside of the family please? Once both DC are old enough it will be up to them what they share and where, of course, but until they are of age, please can you not share anything or online or with anyone else."

Talk to her. If you've never made it known that you don't want pics of the kids online, she's none the wiser.

You say she has no kids? She may be completely oblivious as to why someone wouldn't want pics of their kids online, and caught up in being 'cool Aunty' or whatever. Not a great excuse in this day and age, granted.

But still...you've seen her taking pictures/videos of your kids and didn't say anything. You don't have to go in all guns blazing, but if you still feel that strongly about it, you're all adults, just talk.

Is she an otherwise reasonable person?

I don’t know about proud. I don’t understand why she does it TBH. She lives 15 mins away, and has not once shown any interest in my DC. No presents on birthdays or Christmas despite receiving them (MIL goes mad if you don’t buy her something) and she’s never once asked to hang out with them or take them the park, for a burger etc. She sees them once a year, twice max at family gatherings and that’s it. I think her friends have DC and post about them, and she goes “ look at my n&n’s”.

I do want to say something but wanted opinions first because I can’t work out if I’m over reacting because she’s just generally a massive pain in my backside, or it is actually a safeguarding issue. Yes my DC are older but my DD doesn’t want her images on social media, even now.

I have young adult children and they’d be furious and want the pics down. My kids expressly told me around the time that they started secondary that they no longer wanted pics posted on my social media which is fine. I have some of their friends’ mums on SM and it’s understandable that they don’t want their acquaintances and friends having the power to see and copy any photos.

My teen children are very careful about what they post online- their school have done a good job explaining how careful they should be with social media. Therefore, I respect this and don't post any pictures of them.
Can you report the pictures on social media?

Only takes 7 pics on social media to have enough data for deepfake AI.

Also remember once posted you no longer have rights to the images they belong to the platform.

If your DC don't want their images and videos on social media then you should all ask her, followed up in writing, to remove them, even the ones going back years. Escalate it if she refuses. She's just using them for clicks and likes.

I would be furious. It's not acceptable. What does your husband think?

As your children are now teenagers, I think the best approach is for your DC to contact their auntie directly and tell her they don’t give their permission for her to plaster their images on her social media.

YANBU at all.

I speak as someone who has shared photos of my dc over the years - but that is my choice and decision to make.
Your SiL and your MiL are completely out of order, and I would definitely speak to both of them about it - rift or not.

As I say, I have dc, and have been happy to put the occasional picture up on my private facebook page, but I have never put other people's dc on there (without express permission from their parent, if they were on a joint picture with my dc).

I would go nuclear

Send them this

They go to great lengths to get photos and clips of my DC.

They have a large family WhatsApp where they share everything about the wider family DC. I’m not included as I’m “not family”. When my DH showed little interest and didn’t post about my DC they tried to set up a sub group with me and MIL/ SIL to specificity share stuff on my DC with them, just the cosy 3 of us.

To cut and paste and forward by chance?

I just ignored it and they got cross about that.

One of the reasons I am very LC with SIL, and try to be with MIL, is due to a lack of respect, trampled on boundaries and WRT SIL a massive sense of entitlement.

If I bring this up I’ll be shouted at and told I’m a stirrer, causing trouble for my own reasons, and that SIL is upset and I’m a big meanie.

I was really happy with my once a year smile and wave but this encounter with 2 strangers really pissed me off. I feel like Al Pacino (Michael) in the Godfather; “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in”. I was finding the LC really peaceful.

Wow that’s terrible. Not on at all. Do the kids even know?

Can DH have a word?

Given the relationship is poor anyway, would you be confident writing your own cease and desist notice?

If I was OP, DH would have this evening to deal with it - or I would do, and it wouldn’t be pretty.

Yes then get lawyers involved

Agreed. Though I'm assuming it won't be pretty with DH involved either