To be annoyed at historic sharing of pictures of my DC?

[Piccalilyofthevalley]

I’ll start by saying I’ve had issues with my SIL for many years. As a result I have very little to do with her.

Before Christmas I attended a big family birthday bash and 2 complete strangers (not family) came up to me and told me they’ve been following my DCs lives and hearing all about them since they were babies. SIL has been sending them photos, and videos of my DC for years and posting things about my DC on her FB, instagram and whatever else she uses.

Now we don’t share these things with SIL, so she has been passed them by my MIL who my DH shares things with, at her request. Then SIL uploads them onto her social media for hundreds of her followers to see. She doesn’t have DC of her own, so perhaps she doesn’t know about the safeguarding side of this, but I haven’t given her permission to splatter images of my DC on social media. At gatherings she also would take a photo or video of my DC then be on her phone doing something with it, then I think she’d pick up the phone as comments come in. I should’ve said something then, but didn’t have concrete evidence she was uploading their images.

My DC are all teens now, and she’s still doing it.

I’m not happy that I’ve tried to be security conscious about my DC and not posted things about them online, but she’s just plastered them for years and I didn’t know anything about it. I was standing there listening to these 2 people tell me all about my DC and this photo, and that video and I was like “who the hell are you?”

Is it too late to say anything to her? It’ll cause a rift with her enablers, PIL, but next it’ll be my DGC when my DC are a bit older.

AIBU - let it go for family harmony
YANBU - she really shouldn’t be doing it

Erm, OP shouldn't need to spend any money on this, no.

I would not worry about the historic element now. There is no point.

But - I would perhaps say to her "not that Jane and John are teens, I don't post things on social media unless they are ok with it. I will ask them if they are happy for you to keep doing this and send you a not just to let you know what they say."

And then as the kids what they think and pass it on.

Are you on social media yourself, or DH? Can’t you have a look for yourself to see what exactly she’s put on there?

The way it’s written is like she’s spent years posting 100s of pics but it may only be a few. I’m not defending it - I would feel the same way, but I think some perspective is needed.

Why the fuck would anyone want to post photos of their own kids or anyone else's for the whole world to see and possibly get hold of. Just why?

Attention

She lives 15 mins away, and has not once shown any interest in my DC. No presents on birthdays or Christmas despite receiving them (MIL goes mad if you don’t buy her something) and she’s never once asked to hang out with them or take them the park, for a burger etc. She sees them once a year, twice max at family gatherings and that’s it

She is a fucking lunatic. Why does the mother enable her insane daughter?? 😵‍💫

She sounds like a relative of DHs. She last had a photo of my DC during the pandemic (after promising not to share anymore of our photos), she then forwarded the photo to me by accident as she forwarded it to everyone in her phone book. It was the last photo she has ever had.
As you are LC she’s probably done it deliberately knowing one day you would find out. I find the ‘Them versus Us’ families (I’m judging them as that as you said you aren’t allowed in the big WhatsApp group for not being ‘proper family’) like sending messages to the non family members that they are in charge. It sounds like that’s the move she has been making all of these years.
I would be telling DH to send them nothing from now on and I think I would reduce LC with SIL to NC, but my tolerance is low for button pushing arseholes.

You SIL's behaviour is extremely bizarre but it's really not a safeguarding issue unless she is posting naked pictures of the kids. Anyone can see children at any time they like - at the beach, at the park, at the swimming pool. They do not need to look at your children's pictures. They are not going to decide to come and steal your child because your weird SIL puts them on her SM. They are not famous.

What you really want to worry about if you are concerned about safeguarding them is what they are doing/viewing on their own social media/mobile phones now they are teens. That is where the danger actually lies.

I agree.

The problems I have had with her in the past all stem from any attention being directed away from her to my DH, me (heaven forbid) and even my DC. When they were small I thought she was very jealous and didn’t like any attention my PIL paid them. That’s why it’s a surprise to me that she’s disseminating their pics and videos around. She’s never shown any interest in them.

It is an attention thing. You would have to know her to get it. It’s cashing in on my DC’s good times and achievements when she’s done nothing to deserve any credit. Plus, more importantly it’s a safeguarding issue.

She has never spent time with them or even bought a gift but shares their lives with randoms??
Bloody weirdo

The OP says the kids never see her.

It's a bloody weird thing to do, sounds like she's doing it for the social media likes.

@Piccalilyofthevalley I would not care how many people got offended in the family about this!!! your mil and your sil are lunatics!! your dh needs to know what is happening to all those pics and videos he is sending to his awful mother!! as for christmas presents, they can sing for them! wont be happening again!! get this sorted now OP! cant believe a stranger came up to you and knew all about your kids!! nuclear war might break out but you are in the right here! no more pics to mil

She’s doing it for attention and because she’ll know it will get under your skin. I’d have your DH take it up with her though…failing that I’d reiterate the no social media preference. MIL will also be fully aware of what she’s doing and will be supplying directly. I’d also be prepared for her not to remove them and making a huge drama of it all.

If your kids are teens now it's their call. Make them aware and they can ask dsil to remove their pictures and/or not post any more. You are within rights to address it however and express your disappointment. If it continues and your dh agrees then stop sharing stuff with mil

I had exactly the same problem. Exactly. My SIL does it for engagement and to be interesting to other people. My MIL passes them on to make SIL feel better about her single / childfree status (?).

I prioritised my children’s privacy and rights over my SILs problems, and gave her what for back when I found out when they were toddlers/pre-school age. I don’t have social media and neither does DH, so I don’t know what’s going on online any more. My solution is to tell my children repeatedly not to have an online presence. Nothing, anywhere. They can look, but not even like let alone share. Nothing with their names, nothing with their faces. (School is another matter: it’s all there to see on their bloody Instagram page when they win prizes/ trophies etc). That way there’s no link between their adult lives and childhood online personas.

I could be angry that she’s stolen this right to be online from them, but actually I’m quite happy for them not to have it. She’s done me a service. By the time they’re old enough for LinkedIn they can yell at her themselves. We will be right behind them. It’s unconscionable what these people (or our SILs and MILs) do to children, without any regard for what the future might hold for them or any of us.

Tbh my main concern is job seeking. It’s the first thing any recruiter does, check online presence.

So naive

She does it to get a little dopamine hit from each like. That's all. It's nothing to do with being proud of your kids or even liking them. She is putting them at risk entirely selfishly to feed her social media addiction.

You're not over reacting. How would she like it if you sold her story to the daily mail without permission. This is no different

I'd be furious. Children's faces don't belong on social media.

A recruiter won't care about pictures of toddlers though. I don't put anything online either but recruiters wouldn't be my main concern. Extreme political views, abusive language or evidence of illegal behaviour would surely be the only things a recruiter would be looking for?

Would you want to go into a job interview, a role you really want, knowing the person in front of you and whoever else has seen photos of you as a baby with smeared avocado on your face? As a 4yo in your Halloween costume? Crying because you dropped your ice cream as a 5yo? In a swimsuit on holiday?

I wouldn't. I'd be absolutely furious if anyone sent hard copies of those photos to the place I'm looking to get hired into.

Can you report them to Facebook? Would they delete them for you or do I have too much faith in Facebook