Work colleagues or friends?

[StrugglingAsAlways]

So I’m on a phased return at the moment after being off with mental health issues, namely anxiety and depression. Anxiety has been exacerbated by work as there is a lot of change going on. I am, or thought I was, really good friends with a colleague. We are a hybrid working from home team but we have always got on. Since I’ve been on the phased return I’ve barely heard anything from her. It feels so shit. My husband says that your work colleagues are not your friends. Is he right?

In my opinion he is - I've been burnt a few times 😬 You can always try and reach out a bit more, and things may change over time, but it also may not work. I'm sorry, it really sucks!

Colleagues can be friends but like any friendship they can wax and wane. If you still like your colleague, you could get in touch now and then and hope that eventually you become closer again. She may not know what to say about your MH problems at the moment but that could change.

How many posts have we seen on here @StrugglingAsAlways where we see typically cold MNetters saying

"My colleague at work is off with mental health issues and I am picking up all the slack at work. My boss doesn't understand I'm doing two jobs. It's unreasonable"...

Has she heard much from you? She might feel awkward and not know what to say. I have some great friends for life I met at work, but most colleagues are just that, even friendly ones.

I've made some of my best friends at work and enjoyed some of the most memorial social events through work but obviously not every colleague wants to be your best buddy. Colleagues are just like anyone, anywhere. They can be nice or nasty, blow hot or cold. You'd find the same scenario with a sports or hobby group or even church. How much have you personally invested in this friendship? It could be your colleague has issues with doing extra work whilst you were off or that you've simply fallen out of the loop during your absence.

Your husband is right.

I think it's a contextual friendship. Sometimes work friends become proper friends but not always. Doesn't diminish the value of a good work buddy.

So what’s your point?

If your point is that she’s picking up my work, she isn’t as she’s in another team.

I think people tend to distance themselves from those who are off sick, idk why, but I guess they perceive there to be a barrier or change to the context of your friendship. She might be normal when you return to work, she might not. People going off sick can sometimes be perceived as weak or as troublemakers.

She knows why I have been off as I spoke to her before Christmas about how I was struggling. I really supported her during a tough time she had earlier last year so I think that’s why I feel a bit down.

Nothing 'cold' about registering that someone else being off longterm often means more work for you.

Colleagues can absolutely become friends, OP, but can just be situational friendships, too. Agree with a PP that this isn't a bad thing -- situational friendships are no less real because they don't last forever.

But did you see one another regularly outside of work, or were you offering this support during working hours?

Your husband is right.

I poured my heart and soul into my work, we socialised, and I did loads for my boss/who I thought was my friend.

I got cancer, was due an operation in October, all I heard was "will you be back to run the Christmas stuff at the end of november onwards" and then several messages about how to do various things, absolutely nothing about how I was.

They were all bitching about how I wasn't there to do what I normally did to anyone who would listen.

I never went back.

Some people just don’t like getting involved though. Like you were happy to, she isn’t. Or maybe she just doesn’t know what to say/do. It’s likely she sees you as a work mate and not a proper mate.

I think he's right in the sense that you would prioritise your job over any friendships with colleagues. I think you can get to be friends with people but it's always second place to the professional role. I've had people who I classed as good mates at work and spent time together out of work but after either of us had moved on the friendship faded out naturally within a few months.

Since I’ve been on the phased return I’ve barely heard anything from her.

When did the phased return start and have you contacted her much since?

For me it depends.

one of my best friends used to be my work colleague, Also the place of work I’m at just now I have a really good friend, we message at weekends , meet up for dinner and drinks etc but the others I wouldn’t expect a message from because they are just colleagues.

Most friendships have a limited time span. It doesn't mean they aren't friendshios at the time but relatively few become life long.

I just noticed you say you're a hybrid WFH team -- what does this mean in practice? Do you actually spend time together in a workplace, or is this largely or entirely a not-in-person relationship?

It's a situationship. Many work friendships are genuine ride or die at the time, but don't extend to anything far outside of the working environment. It's like neighbours or school friends, you laugh and cry together in the context of the situation you are in, but one you have moved house or left school you'll have a couple of coffees together and then drift apart.
I am sorry you are struggling though.

Your husband is right, OP. In nearly 40 years in the workplace, I think there are only 2 or 3 people who I still see (long after leaving the jobs), and call friends.

I've always said to my staff that you are friends if you socialise outside of work, in work you are work colleagues, don't think if a promotion came up or something happened at work they wouldn't throw you under the bus

Your husband is right. Socialising with people at work is really easy and takes no effort. If you want to turn those relationships into a friendship, you've really got to put in the effort and your situation may be salvageable. For a friendship to be enduring, it helps if the wish for the friendship is mutual. I'm aware of this coming up for retirement.

Do you typically message or talk about personal matters on a regular basis?
Do you see each other out of work?

If the answer to both of these is "no" then she is a work colleague that you get on with. Not a friend.

Also consider how much contact you had with her when you were off work. If it was minimal or none, again, another indication that she's a work colleague.