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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Going back after mat leave - how bad is it really

46 replies

Thedarkmode · 15/01/2025 07:27

I have to return to work in just over 3 weeks after 10 months off with my DS and I’m dreading it so much!

Im going back a bit early so that DH can take 6 weeks off with shared leave (he already took some time when DS was born as I had a planned csection). I know it will be good for him to spend time with DS but due to his work commitments he’s now said it would be easier if he wasn’t taking it; which is making me feel worse and opening up loads of feelings as I would take the extra time in a heartbeat!

Can someone give me positive stories of going back? I’m dreading the change of pace, new routine, having real responsibilities and that awful Sunday night feeling. I am doing a slightly phased return but it’s only prolonging the inevitable.

OP posts:

Agix · 15/01/2025 07:33

Have you had a phased return before OP? If not, don't knock the phased return.

I just had a phased return after a long period off sick. I also thought it was just delaying the inevitable, and was somewhat a bit pointless, but it actually really really helped.

Did raise an eyebrow when you spoke about "having real responsibilities" when you go back . You have a newborn, surely that's the most real responsibility?

LittleRedRidingHoody · 15/01/2025 07:33

Personally I loved going back. I'm aware not everyone does but it was so nice to reclaim that bit of me and get back into a routine. DS also thrived at nursery and home time in the evenings/at weekends suddenly became glorious 'together times' instead of feeling the drudge of 24/7!

Original poster

Thedarkmode · 15/01/2025 07:51

I haven’t had a phased return before as it’s my first baby. I’ve been dreading returning to work since about halfway through my leave!

OP posts:

Mull · 15/01/2025 07:52

The thought of it was way worse than the reality in my opinion. Good luck.

ExtraOnions · 15/01/2025 07:53

I loved going back … it felt like a holiday after 9 months with a baby Full-Time. I could have a coffee, or pop to the shops in peace.

Littlemisscapable · 15/01/2025 07:56

I'm not going to lie the first few weeks are awful but you do find your rhythm and in a bit it's fine. It's nice to have your time back and separate yourself from baby during the day... It's necessary so plan nice things for yourself.... It's the next phase.

B0xes · 15/01/2025 07:56

I think it's awful Mums are forced into going back to work when they want to stay with their baby at home.

Phineyj · 15/01/2025 07:56

I would suggest doing whatever you can to get into a more positive mindset.

DH too!

Give him a talking to. You are a little team of 3. You need a good bond with your baby AND you all need a roof over your head.

Don't waste time on what ifs. Put practical stuff in place and do a rota for cooking, house stuff, childcare drop offs etc.

The biggest problem you're likely to have it sounds is DH not taking looking after the baby and the house seriously giving you distraction and stress as you try to get back into work.

He offered (presumably). Time to man up!

MummyJ36 · 15/01/2025 08:00

Are you going back full time / part time? I went back to work when DC1 was 18 months and when DC2 was 12 months. To be honest, I found it easier second time around when DC2 was a bit younger and I also found that they settled into childcare a bit quicker too.

I work 3 days a week and really appreciated having some “adult” brain time. However, I have a fairly standard office job so I might have felt different if it was a different type of role / very high pressured.

I think your DH is sounding nervous about looking after DC on his own but I’d really encourage him not to back out of it or for you to give him an “out”. You’ve both come this far it would be really worth trialling how your agreed arrangement will work. If it doesn’t work for either party you can always review.

Original poster

Thedarkmode · 15/01/2025 08:03

I’m hoping to drop to 4 days for the long run, my job is fairly middle of the road, I’m middle management so not high powered but not something I could realistically leave for a few years and return to without detriment to my career. I’ve actually been promoted whilst on leave so will be going back into a more senior job which is probably making me more nervous!

But the promotion effectively means I can be on the same take home pay for less hours.

OP posts:

Newhi · 15/01/2025 08:07

I loved it. Proper adult conversations again, being valued for my knowledge and experience, occasional after work drinks, lunch on my own!

It’s great you’re doing shared leave. It was the best thing we did. I really see a difference between couples who did this. The relationship is more equal in terms of childcare, work, housework, mental load etc. it’s great bonding time and stops you being the default parent (which is great when you’re both back at work and can share night wakings).

Try and look for the positives and you’ll have a great time, whilst benefitting your family.

user1499609760 · 15/01/2025 08:23

Your situation sounds very similar to us: we have a nearly 1-year-old. I went back to work at 9 months and DH took shared leave; his leave has only technically just ended, and our DC has started nursery in the last couple of weeks.

Honestly I’ve really enjoyed being back at work. I found myself going a bit crazy on leave as it was too easy to get fixated on baby-related things and lose perspective. My DH has even commented that I seem much more relaxed and happy, also with DC.

DH being on shared leave was a godsend for those initial months though. It felt like we didn’t immediately have the juggle of childcare and work, as he was home to manage things. My DH was nervous about it beforehand, and maybe yours is too? However, they got into a lovely routine and had some great days out etc. I think that time will stand to us as a couple. My work is quite flexible so I was still able to be around a good bit, and offer some respite at times, e.g. I could take charge of the morning nap sometimes, or feed DC lunch. If you’re on a phased return, then you might be able to do something similar.

Now that DC is at nursery and we’re both at work, it feels like the start of a new chapter, and likely a more challenging one as there will be a heck of a lot more juggling. But I don’t regret going back to work, even if sometimes I think having more time with DC would be nice.

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 15/01/2025 08:24

It will be much easier with another adult at home. You’re not going straight into getting yourself ready for work any getting the baby ready for childcare at the same time. I found going back to work tiring but I was tired anyway. I definitely appreciated time with my little ones much more once I returned to work. I went back 70% which was a good balance. I wondered how I would manage but you do somehow. My little ones were happy and well attached and I have a pension and my sanity.

MsCactus · 15/01/2025 08:26

So, my friend who struggled on maternity leave loved it - she felt she got a lovely balance between baby and professional life once she went back to work.

However I LOVED maternity leave and hated going back. I liked work, and it was easy to pick up again, but I just longed for my baby every day. I WFH and picked her up early from childcare on the sly as much as I could - not for money reasons, but just because I missed her so much. Then I did more work when she went to bed each night to make up the hours.

My employer promoted me during this time, so they clearly didn't mind, but I picked her up early so much she actually did 3.5 days in childcare only.

Now that DD is two I actually love the balance - when I'm off with her she is exhausting/non-stop, and having the 'break' of work means I really cherish our time together.

So for me, who went back at 9 months so DH did three months paternity leave with her, it was 1-2 years that was the hardest, but long term it's been great for our whole family.

Didimum · 15/01/2025 08:30

Your DH is a bit of a dick to say that to you on the eve of your return to work, if I’m honest.

Personally I loved going back, but I really enjoy my job and did not enjoy mat leave. Even if you don’t feel that way, there is literally no point building it up in your head for months as something to dread. Best just to be prepared logistically, put it out of your head and take each day as it comes.

Mnetcurious · 15/01/2025 08:33

I too was dreading going back after maternity leave but it’s one of those things where the thought is worse than the reality. Within half an hour at the office it felt like I’d never been away, even though I had almost a year off. Yes the juggle is real, even with a supportive husband, but there are loads of positives - getting back into a real routine, using your brain again, adult conversation, not being at the beck and call of a baby all day long gives you back a sense of independence.

BarbaraHoward · 15/01/2025 08:37

I loved it. Adult conversation, hot drinks and no crying. I felt more like me. We did the same with SPL and it was great for all three of us.

You've got this.

JaneBoleynViscountessRochford · 15/01/2025 08:38

I loved going back, you will be surprised at how quickly you get back into the whole routine of work and yes there are shit bits, like when DC are not well or have a bad night sleep and you have to trail into work like a zombie but it’s honestly not as bad as you think it will be before you go back.

GardensBooksTea · 15/01/2025 08:40

I loved going back, like some of the other comments. I felt like my 'work brain' was refreshed by having done something so totally different for 10 months, and I had a different perspective to bring having not been in the midst of the day to day at work. It helped that my colleagues were very welcoming and enthusiastic about me coming back, and that our nursery was brilliant. There were tricky days when the routine went out of the window cause all my trains were cancelled, or my son was ill and I had an important meeting, of course, and each one felt like a disaster at the time. But overall, it was really positive - and I feel very lucky, because I know it's not like that for everyone.

HopeAndStrength · 15/01/2025 08:40

My little one started nursery at 10 months and has settled in really well. Apart from the inevitable time off for nursery bugs (as it was December), it has been a positive experience for us so far.
Nursery have been so good at things like introducing new foods, new activities, and making friends. Last week the babies were in snowsuits playing on sledges!
I've enjoyed returning to work, it has been really good to get back into things and I have a renewed enthusiasm for my role.
It feels like the childcare responsibilities are more evenly balanced in my house now and that has been great. We love our mornings, evenings and weekends together for family time.
I appreciate that everyone's experiences are different and that we've been lucky with nursery settling in.

SJM1988 · 15/01/2025 08:40

Personally I loved going back to work the first time. But I love my job (most of the time) so that helped. I also loved maternity leave so could have happily been a SAHP for a while.
I dreaded the second time around a bit more but mainly because no one covered my maternity leave so I knew I'd be back to a lot of stuff to fix.

My advise - set a weekly schedule and routine now. Get into the habit of sorting things out the night before so you are ready in the morning. I found it so much more calm in the morning if I had lunch sorted, bags packed and clothes out the night before.
The hardest thing I found wasn't going to work.....it was how to fit in all the things I did in the day (cleaning, washing, ironing, tidying, cooking) alongside working and still spending time with DS after nursery.

HorrorFan81 · 15/01/2025 08:44

With our second I took 9 months, my husband took the last 3 - it was great. I could get back into work without worrying about childcare, drop offs and pick ups, illness etc

Make the most of the phasing, it gives you time to get used to being back without being thrown straight back in full time

aCatCalledFawkes · 15/01/2025 08:51

I hated it but I was in the wrong job which I wasn't suited to it and my marriage was in a bad place. However I got through it and in the end I ended up working for really good managers and worked in jobs I loved.

I'm glad I went back. Being able to catch up with colleagues, to have a hot cup of tea and lunch I didn't cook was a bonus. I looked at it as a long term thing that I knew would be good for me.

Dolphinnoises · 15/01/2025 08:59

I hated the thought of it - I was quite quietly distressed that last week - but once back at work (I loved my job and colleagues, that helped!) I could see the benefit of the balance.

Have a conversation with your DH now about expectations. Who is making dinner when you’re working? Who is doing the laundry? And if you’re pitching in with both, when you go down to 4 days, the same tempo should stay.

Gogogo12345 · 15/01/2025 09:01

B0xes · 15/01/2025 07:56

I think it's awful Mums are forced into going back to work when they want to stay with their baby at home.

Who is forcing them ?

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