Going back after mat leave - how bad is it really

[Thedarkmode]

I have to return to work in just over 3 weeks after 10 months off with my DS and I’m dreading it so much!

Im going back a bit early so that DH can take 6 weeks off with shared leave (he already took some time when DS was born as I had a planned csection). I know it will be good for him to spend time with DS but due to his work commitments he’s now said it would be easier if he wasn’t taking it; which is making me feel worse and opening up loads of feelings as I would take the extra time in a heartbeat!

Can someone give me positive stories of going back? I’m dreading the change of pace, new routine, having real responsibilities and that awful Sunday night feeling. I am doing a slightly phased return but it’s only prolonging the inevitable.

Honestly, within about half an hour, I'd forgotten I'd been away for a year (partly because so little had moved on without me there!). Obviously there was a new routine to get used to with nursery but it slotted into place quite easily. I guess it's a bit late now but I did start DS at nursery the month before my mat leave ended as I was also studying for a Masters. What it did mean though is he'd picked up a lot of bugs before I went back to work so I didn't have so many issues with sickness.

Were you f/t before baby and are returning p/t? I was and it took me a while to shift my mindset. I was operating as if still f/t for a little while. Phased return will help enormously with this.

At nursery drop off, kiss, say goodbye and leave. The worst thing you can do is linger, harder for both of you.

The thought of going back was awful and gave me anxiety, being back was hideous for the first few weeks and then I almost breathed a sigh of relief each day as work became a welcome relief from parenting for a short while - it is hectic though rushing to and from home / child care / work etc.

Depends how much you like your job, I imagine?

I agree about getting into a routine, BUT the transition from mat leave to SPL to nursery involves a lot of changes as you go along, so don't be too fixed on your plan - be prepared to be flexible.

I howled at my desk for the first couple of days, and as soon as I had a chance to be with my son I rushed to see him.

But it got better. We both compressed our hours to have a day each with him, and my husband does drop offs while I do pick ups.

It does feel sometimes like life is trying to break your lovely bond with your baby, but it does being in changes for the better - but you won't be able to know exactly what until you get there.

Do you like your work, OP? Even if you don’t like the specific job, do you enjoy the general work? Because I think that makes a big difference. I really love my work so returning to work post maternity leave (even though I didn’t love that particular workplace) was tough in that I had to leave my baby, but great because I got to do something I enjoy and where I could use my brain. I also felt like I could get back a bit more of myself and a place in the world in which I was “Moodenhancer” the person, not just generic “mum”. Don’t underestimate how good that can feel.

Just to add - it helps if you can outsource boring house things - cleaning, laundry etc which is obviously easier with 2 wages rather than when on mat leave. It means that time with my DC is quality time and all the more enjoyable because of it.

This. I suddenly felt parenting slipped into place when my professional identity kicked back in. Our childminder was great, and DS clearly benefited from being around lots of older children of various ages -- when he started school, he still did wraparound care at the same childminder, so those other kids were very much family for years.

I didn't say anyone was forcing them

You literally said B0xes · Today 07:56
I think it's awful Mums are forced into going back to work when they want to stay with their baby at home.

Yes. Forced by house prices and the cost of living.

I went back a few weeks ago. Loving it. Genuinely feel like the old me again but with the added bonus of a baby too.

To be fair to the poster I would love to be able to stay at home for another couple of years - no one is holding a gun to my head but we couldn’t afford for me to be off without any income.

I found it hard because my team completely changed while I was off so I was managing a new team and then we hit COVID. Actually working was ok and I managed drop off and pick up with my partner fine but it was hard to find my feet when job was so different - cut yourself some slack as you would be nervous about a new role anyway plus would need some time to get into it.

If you know anyone at work who has a young child or recently came back from maternity, it can be really helpful to talk to them.

I definitely benefited from being back at work though, helped me find my equilibrium again and somehow made it easier to organise myself

This is how I feel, no I’m not ‘forced’ but I can’t afford to be off.

And that’s great in an ideal world but a lot of mums know they are going to have to go back to work after a baby to be able to afford to live and let’s not forget to be able to pay for the things we want our children to have. The adjustment is hard but lots of people manage.

I went back when DS was 8 months. I hated my job but the thought of it was much worse than the reality. There is something liberating about having a wee in peace!
I did very early morning (3am) which helped on two ways. DH was responsible for getting DS up, ready for nursery and dropping him off and secondly I was able to pick up early.
You will find a routine that works pretty quickly and if DH is the one at home maybe get him to do a few practice runs for getting DD up and ready for childcare.
Don't let your partner guilt trip you by saying he's busy and it would be easier if you took the time off. That's tough, he shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. Either that or he's slightly nervous about solo parenting. But he will be fine I'm sure and so will you.
But I would have a look at what things will make life easier for you. It might be shared drop off and pick ups or getting a cleaner in or buying a large calendar and putting everything important on there.

I hated going to back to work and my baby hated nursery and hated being away from me.
But we both adjusted to the new normal.

My other 2 kids found starting nursery easier and returning to work was consequently less painful for me.

I loved going back to work - I took 6 months maternity leave and practically skipped back to the office after dropping DS at the nursery on my day back. Adult conversation, using my brain, being able to hop on a bus to work without dragging a buggy round, coffee catch ups with colleagues. It felt like a release.

I absolutely hated the idea of going back to work when I was on maternity leave and it was an adjustment but it was no where near as bad as I expected. That said, I WFH and my DH and I both reduced our hours so he looks after DD while I'm working, and then I take over when he goes to work (evenings).

Can't have enjoyed it too much though as I got pregnant a month after returning and will be going back on mat leave in a few months!

I want to be honest, going back to work for me was the hardest part of the entire 1st year -18 months of having a baby.
Mine also started nursery at 10 months. 3 days a week & I WFH a 4th day but its v. flexible so I usually just do that days workload in the evening/weekend.
It might be a bit easier for you because your husband will be looking after your baby which gives you a bit more support. Though he needs to see this time for him to build confidence looking after your child and deepen their bond and be grateful he gets so much time off work with them!
Going from relaxed maternity leave mornings to the rush of getting myself & baby ready was so stressful.
She took months to settle at nursery so needed lots of comforting and the evenings felt rushed as well to fit dinner & bedtime. We dropped baths because of it.
It was really hard to focus at work, I was exhausted, those first 3 days of the week were just a miserable rush.
But it does get easier! They settle at nursery, get used to the schedule, we got her up extra early in the morning for playtime & cuddles because she is not a morning person and did not like being woken up and immediately redressed etc. You find the new routine that works. But the first 6 months were brutal.
I'm not a career person though, I have a job because I need money to live, so my interest in work plummeted. I still don't think I could cope with being a stay at home mum though, the work is good for my brain lol and my daughter adores nursery now.