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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is HE being unreasonable? Baby on the way.

45 replies

BrainFog11 · 15/01/2025 07:10

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable but my partners behaviour makes me feel disrespected.

We have been together 3 years and he has always been much more into pubs than I have. He goes to the same one every time and it’s really not my scene. But he’s recently joined the darts team there at his usual place (it’s a working men’s club) and last time he played darts he didn’t come home. We agreed that he would come home after darts when he said he was joining the team as I find it quite immature to be drinking on a Monday night until god knows when. (The place stays open until 12:30). He texted me at 12 to say he’s had too much to drink and he’s staying out there. It’s a 15 mile trip back home and not just around the corner and he says he stays at his parents house which is nearby to the working man’s club. The working man’s club has caused a few issues in the past as he can’t seem to stop going there and the people that go in there are mainly alcoholics with no family and a lot do cocaine. He said this wouldn’t happen anymore since I’m 21 weeks pregnant and we now live together. Anyway I tried to ring him about ten minutes after his message and he didn’t answer. I was quite annoyed and didn’t say much to him the next day, although he did say in a message the next morning that he is now quitting the darts team as he doesn’t want to be “disrespectful”. I bring it up later in conversation and I asked him if he has really quit the darts team and he said “well no but I can do if you want”. So he is putting it in my court now but what I really want is him to take initiative himself and do what’s best for our family, instead of me putting constraints on him, but I worry that if I don’t this behaviour will continue or get worse with a newborn baby.

now I don’t have an issue with him playing darts and seeing his friends, but I do have an issue with a man of 34 staying out like a teenager and getting drunk on a work night. We hardly ever do anything together and he works a lot of weekends and I feel like I am not a priority or valued and his friends get all the good times. There is just something about the whole thing that makes me feel uncomfortable and I don’t know how to handle it all and I certainly don’t want this to continue when we have a newborn baby. He often avoids conversations about things like this and hopes that it will all be forgotten about.

any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 15/01/2025 07:16

I think it depends on frequency to be honest, my BIL is part of a darts team and also goes every Monday (wonder if it’s the same one😂), he doesn’t always drink but does about half the time, he always gets a taxi or lift home but I can see where if the pub was 15 miles away and he had somewhere to stay closer he might not. If it’s a one off then I’d have a chat about it, and explain the staying out every week isn’t something that can continue once baby is here but if he’s capable of going and not drinking I don’t see the issue with him continuing to go and driving home afterwards. It’s important to keep your hobbies if you can, my husband goes to football for example, we have a 9 month old now and he still goes to football, it’s good for him to have that break and I can then have a little break on another night.

If he was going and getting mortal drunk, not coming home, every week then absolutely that’s not okay. But if this is the first time it’s happened I wouldn’t be cancelling darts forever off the back of it, I’d have a chat to explain it can’t happen every week though, especially with a baby.

BlondeMamaToBe · 15/01/2025 07:17

There must be a darts team closer to home he could join. He could also play darts without the need to get drunk, I can’t imagine he will be that good if he’s tanked up anyway.

Agix · 15/01/2025 07:17

"I don’t have an issue with him playing darts and seeing his friends, but I do have an issue with a man of 34 staying out like a teenager and getting drunk on a work night. We hardly ever do anything together and he works a lot of weekends and I feel like I am not a priority or valued and his friends get all the good times. There is just something about the whole thing that makes me feel uncomfortable and I don’t know how to handle it all and I certainly don’t want this to continue when we have a newborn baby "

Just say this to him.

Original poster
BrainFog11 · 15/01/2025 07:22

I have mentioned about a darts team closer to home but I think the whole darts thing has more to do with where he is playing it. He’s only I treated if it’s at that working Mens club.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrainFog11 · 15/01/2025 07:23

Interested*

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 15/01/2025 07:24

I wouldn’t have an issue with him playing darts one night a week, as long as he is home at a reasonable time, if he cannot agree to this, then HE NEEDS to decide himself whether it’s good for his health and his relationship. I would be worried about the amount of drinking also. He shouldn’t expect you to tell him to give it up, every argument you have in the future he’s going to bring it up that you forced him to give it up.

BonneMaman77 · 15/01/2025 07:24

Handle it directly. Talk to him and tell him exactly what you’ve said here. With a family this hobby arrangement does not sound tenable, let alone with a new born.

Yes, he should grow up and take the initiative but it’s also better to tell him yourself. Essentially you can also grow up and have a straight convo with the man you are having a family with.

Redcandlescandal · 15/01/2025 07:25

How does he get home from this club? It sounds like he’s a drunk driver on top of everything else.

And cocaine?

Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with him? He seems like an immature loser.

Motomum23 · 15/01/2025 07:27

It's fairly simple. He will soon be 50% responsible for another life. If he wants to go and play darts he doesn't drink and he comes home at a reasonable hour. He should never be uncontactable.... I mean my default would be if he is lnt answering 10 mins after he sent a text what or who is he doing?

Original poster
BrainFog11 · 15/01/2025 07:29

@BonneMaman77 thats a little harsh. It is always myself that is initiating conversation and it gets difficult sometimes when I’m the only one that Wants to do it. I do have autism which doesn’t make communication particularly easy for me. So try not to judge.

OP posts:
TangerineClementine · 15/01/2025 07:32

I'd feel the same as you OP. I wouldn't make him leave the darts team, but I'd want him to come home afterwards and I'd like to do couple things together too. Say this to him.

Eenameenadeeka · 15/01/2025 07:33

I wouldn't be happy for my husband to be out drinking past midnight and unable to get home on a Monday night, I think that's kindof the culture of darts from the people I know who's partners play. But I understand that you want him to make the sensible decision for himself and not have to be told what to do.

Semiramide · 15/01/2025 07:40

What made you think this man would be a good match for having a child with

Original poster
BrainFog11 · 15/01/2025 07:49

@Semiramide Jesus Christ. I asked if it was unreasonable for him to be playing darts on a Monday night and staging at his parents house. What does a “good match for having a child with” look like then? Must not have any hobbies or friends and never enter a pub? That’s not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 15/01/2025 07:49

Why are you having a baby with a man you can't communicate that his getting drunk and possibly taking cocaine every Monday isn't sustainable?

He doesn't want to change so you are the only one who wants him to change.

Original poster
BrainFog11 · 15/01/2025 07:51

He doesn’t take cocaine, but lots of people in pubs do it now, unfortunately.

the commutation is probably my fault, as stated I have autism and doesn’t come naturally, I pay for counselling to help me with this.

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 15/01/2025 07:58

If he's not coming home and staying with his parents, how do you know he's not taking it?

He's irresponsible enough to be drinking to the extent he can't get home at midnight on a Monday night if he has work the next day. His parents enabling this when they know he has a baby on the way won't change either.

Write it down and read it to him. It will help make sure you get everything across. I'm autistic too and wouldn't be expecting an irresponsible man to work it out himself after already having a discussion.

CurlewKate · 15/01/2025 08:12

Is this every Monday night?

Joyfulspringflowers · 15/01/2025 08:12

You say OP that this club has caused issues in your relationship in the past.
So it does seem strange that he has joined this darts team that involves him being more involved with life at the club at the very time you are pregnant: surely finding out you were pregnant should have been the spur to him acting more responsibly? Instead he has gone the other way and actually stayed out all night because he says he wasn't capable of getting home. How was he capable to go to work the next day?

I think you are being quite naive if you know he is mixing with heavy drinkers who use cocaine to be so sure he isn't also taking drugs with them.

I think the two of you should be sitting down and having a discussion about priorities: you should be making sure you are both on the same page as regards the rest of your pregnancy and your lives when the baby arrives. Because maintaining a social life is one thing but it should definitely take second place in priorities when it comes to parenthood.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 15/01/2025 08:25

I think there's no sitting down and talking with men like this. This is who he is. He's a 34 year old man who values his drinking and mates and social life over his family. You'll be fighting a losing battle if you think you can change him into a man who prioritises you and your baby. He knows what you want and need of him already, he just doesn't care enough to act on it.

I'm sorry if that upsets you, but that's the reality (been there, done that, got the divorce).

lovelysunshine22 · 15/01/2025 08:31

OP dump him and get your head around being a single parent before the baby comes. He won't change and grow up, i would bet his behaviour will become even worse when the baby is born. If he is in his 30's and doesn't know how to behave like an adult yet then he never will.

Naunet · 15/01/2025 08:49

BrainFog11 · 15/01/2025 07:49

@Semiramide Jesus Christ. I asked if it was unreasonable for him to be playing darts on a Monday night and staging at his parents house. What does a “good match for having a child with” look like then? Must not have any hobbies or friends and never enter a pub? That’s not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

Well apparently for you it means a man who doesnt get shitfaced and stay at his parents all night on a week night. Don't get snippy with people here, you picked him, not us.

Original poster
BrainFog11 · 15/01/2025 09:56

Update.

i have spoken with his sister and she has confirmed that he didn’t get home until after 1am. So this proves that he was lying about being asleep when I called him at 12. He said he lied because he didn’t want an earful. I think he lied because he knew what he was doing was wrong. He is coming for his belongings tonight as I can’t trust a liar. I do have a full time job and I am financially stable so more than capable of being baby up on my own.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

OP posts:
Emilianoo · 15/01/2025 10:09

The issue is how far is "local" is. That's ridiculous. Can he not get a taxi home when he's been there? Or don't drink and just drive there and back for his darts? It wouldnt be a problem for me now but it would be a problem once there's a baby there if he is regularly sleeping away from home. How often is he doing it?

toomuchfaff · 15/01/2025 11:08

Are you his mum?

as I find it quite immature to be drinking on a Monday night until god knows when.

You might find it immature, but it's his life. What you can do is put boundaries in place for what you will and will not accept, but you can't tell him what time to be home, you can't tell him where he can go, you can't tell him who he can hang about with.

He's an adult, he needs to come to these decisions himself. You just need to listen to his decision and see if your his priority or if his single life is.

As for the "I can stop going if you want" - this is a trap. Don't fall for it.