Is HE being unreasonable? Baby on the way.

[BrainFog11]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable but my partners behaviour makes me feel disrespected.

We have been together 3 years and he has always been much more into pubs than I have. He goes to the same one every time and it’s really not my scene. But he’s recently joined the darts team there at his usual place (it’s a working men’s club) and last time he played darts he didn’t come home. We agreed that he would come home after darts when he said he was joining the team as I find it quite immature to be drinking on a Monday night until god knows when. (The place stays open until 12:30). He texted me at 12 to say he’s had too much to drink and he’s staying out there. It’s a 15 mile trip back home and not just around the corner and he says he stays at his parents house which is nearby to the working man’s club. The working man’s club has caused a few issues in the past as he can’t seem to stop going there and the people that go in there are mainly alcoholics with no family and a lot do cocaine. He said this wouldn’t happen anymore since I’m 21 weeks pregnant and we now live together. Anyway I tried to ring him about ten minutes after his message and he didn’t answer. I was quite annoyed and didn’t say much to him the next day, although he did say in a message the next morning that he is now quitting the darts team as he doesn’t want to be “disrespectful”. I bring it up later in conversation and I asked him if he has really quit the darts team and he said “well no but I can do if you want”. So he is putting it in my court now but what I really want is him to take initiative himself and do what’s best for our family, instead of me putting constraints on him, but I worry that if I don’t this behaviour will continue or get worse with a newborn baby.

now I don’t have an issue with him playing darts and seeing his friends, but I do have an issue with a man of 34 staying out like a teenager and getting drunk on a work night. We hardly ever do anything together and he works a lot of weekends and I feel like I am not a priority or valued and his friends get all the good times. There is just something about the whole thing that makes me feel uncomfortable and I don’t know how to handle it all and I certainly don’t want this to continue when we have a newborn baby. He often avoids conversations about things like this and hopes that it will all be forgotten about.

any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading

When is your weekly night off going to be after the baby has arrived? If he goes out for darts on a Monday, and every Wednesday you get to go and have a swim/other relaxing activity and get a full night uninterrupted sleep (sleeping elsewhere if needed) while he competently and responsibly does everything needed to look after the baby until morning then would that be ok?

Sorry but I agree with that poster. He should be prioritising you and his baby not his mates and darts right now.
You realise he will use this to spend time away from you and the baby.

I’m pleased you’ve put your foot down @BrainFog11 and he collecting his belongings, he knows no matter how you have communicated to him, badly or otherwise what your issue is with him. You don’t want him coming home wrecked when you have a baby nor do you want him staying over his parents, you want someone who is mature enough to put you and baby first. Going to the pub nearby or meeting up with friends is ok but not when they go out for the whole evening and night. What if there was an emergency? He would be too drunk to be of any use and would have to get a taxi and you would have to deal with it on your own. If the shoe was on the other foot and you left in the evening and didn’t return until the next day with him at home regularly he would assume correctly you were not mature enough for a relationship, add in you being pregnant and soon to have a newborn baby makes his actions worse! Living with him and a baby will be harder than doing it on your own because you won’t be bringing up a baby and a man child up.

My worry was that if I implemented a ban on him doing the darts, that it would be held against me at a later date. I feel it has to come from him to make these decisions.

Something had happened before, I think it was him going out with the lads a lot while working away in London, and he said “women always want more”.

This. Get used to basically being a single parent.

Handy that the working mens club is 15 miles away from you and 5 minutes away from his other woman.

@MrTiddlesTheCat yes I am inclined to agree with you. No it doesn’t upset me, I am well equipped enough to be a single parent and I will value my peace when he is gone, life will probably be easier :)

@LeaderBee I am quite certain there is not another woman involved, as his sister has access to his parents cctv cameras and she looks. She isn’t a liar and she is the one that confirmed he got home a lot later than he initially said he did. His sister is very much an ally of mine, not his.

But his sister can't confirm he wasn't shagging someone round the back of the WMC before he came home, can she?

You've done the right thing getting him out. You don't need this kind of person around when you have a new baby.

@Redcandlescandal the working men’s club is within walkable distance to his parents house. It’s very convenient for him and this has enabled him to not come home as he has an alternative place to stay.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat there is always that possibility. Perhaps I have been too Naive. Very secretive behaviour that he didn’t answer his phone isn’t it.

@Motomum23 at first he said he was asleep. I then spoke to his sister who confirmed he didn’t get home until after 1am. I confronted him in his lie and he said he didn’t want to get an earful off me.

I wanted to ring him to tell him that surely he knew way before 12 when he sent the message that he wasn’t coming home, so I could if at least put the chain on the door.

Good for you. He is behaving like a child.

Good luck with everything

I think you are doing the right thing in dumping him. You are better off as a single parent. You sound perfectly capable. Your only mistake was wasting time on him. He sounds like an immature loser to be frank.

Yes you are correct that if you try to "make him" do anything, he will hold it against you.

"Women always want more" translates as "I don't want to behave like an adult and give you what is needed from me in an equal relationship".

You were right to end it.

If he comes back and wants to try again, you have to be able to discuss what your expectations are. As a previous poster said, ask him how he would feel if you stayed away all evening and overnight, uncontactable, leaving him with sole charge of the baby.
He might say he was fine with it, in which case you take him at his word and go out and do just that, before the baby is born so you don't have to worry. Then watch his reaction.
But actually - why bother with all that? Just refuse to take him back, and put in a claim via CMS as soon as the baby is here.

@toomuchfaff what do you mean by it’s a trap? Do you mean he will use it against me at a later date?

@GoneGirl12345 thank you :)

Sounds like you are incompatible if you cant even communicate effectively as a couple.. You both don't sound like you are even aligned as a couple.

I do find it astonishing that couples haven't even established alignments on key things like communications before they create baby.

@EatTheBastard we do talk, but it’s very hard work. I just thought it was something men weren’t good at. We do come to an alignment and then something like this happens.

we have only been living together 4 months. I got pregnant with the coil fitted, I was in my second trimester when I find out. I realised it wasn’t the best time to conceive as I wanted to see how we got on living together first. But here we are.

@Semiramide We have only been living together 4 months, and we are engaged. The baby wasn’t planned and I got pregnant with a coil fitted, I was in my second trimester when I found out, around 18 weeks. It’s not a great situation to be having a child as I wanted to see how we got on living together and see if we could compromise on a few things, and then act accordingly after a period of time, but here we are.