To think I could make friends in a small town?

[Twoshoesnewshoes]

I currently live in a small village. I have four good friends here but for various reasons they do not often want to socialise, which is fine and understandable.

I’m realising I want to do more in my evenings.

there are a couple of small towns around 20 minutes drive from us that SP and I are considering moving to - partly for me this would be to join groups eg pottery class, yoga, get out more and meet new people.
some people have suggested it will be very difficult to meet people now that we don’t have school age children.

i feel optimistic, but are they right?

YABU it’s really hard to meet new friends at this life stage
YANBU you’ll probably find some folk to hang out with
thanks!

If you’re willing to put yourself out there and try lots of different things then I don’t think you’ll have an issue. My mum moved recently, is in her 60s and honestly has a better social life than I do 😂

Thanks @InTheRainOnATrain
I’m nearly 50, so that funny age, older than the primary school mums but too young for WI 😂

Actually there is no minimum age for the WI. A friend of mine joined in her 30s. What's SP?

Sorry, typo, should be DP

Excuse me! Our Wi has an average age of about 45 thank you very much 😁Seriously though, as with most social groups, you need to shop around a bit - a few of them are a little bit older, so try a few out - maybe before you move? I'm sure this will be true of other groups like pottery, yoga etc.

Yes that’s true @Pootles34 I could join a couple of groups now and see how I go

Coming back to this cos DP and I had a casual chat in bed last night which then kept me awake for two hours with my brain going over and over!

I am torn between staying here and going to small town and I realised the dilemma is mainly fear driven.

i do like our house, the location is amazing, i love the views and the peace. I’m worried that I’ll move and lose these things and regret it.
our house is semi detached and i would want detached or attached because im sensitive to noise.
so we are unlikely to get a ‘lovely’ house.
but I’m bored and lonely here and want the next stage of my life.
argh doing my own head in here!

What's stopping you joining the classes in the town and making friends from where you are? 20 minutes drive is not so far...

If it's only 20 minutes drive I don't see any need to move? Just attend things in the town and see how it goes.

Through volunteering and taking classes you can make friends especially if you are mindful of your intent but not socially fragile. It takes time, but also needs confidence.

The driving thing is because I drive to work in the city four days a week, half hour each way, do would like to not drive again in the evening.
also I’d like to meet people and hopefully be able to have that community where I live.

You could always move later though, with friends and networks already in place?

But wouldn’t it be easier to overcome your reluctance to drive in the evening than to move unnecessarily, especially as you sound happy with your house and surroundings now? Imagine how much pressure you’d be putting on your evening classes or whatever to provide good, sustaining friendships if they had to compensate for a house you didn’t like, neighbour noise etc!

I moved countries aged 49 and have made lots of new friends here (even though the move was just before Covid), but many of them don’t live in the city I live in at all, but in towns or villages half an hour’s drive or a train journey away.

So I don’t think it’s impossible at all to make new friends in your 50s. I do think, however, that there can be places where the kind of people you like just don’t exist (like the last place I lived where I realised I just wasn’t a good fit socially), so for that reason I’d be reluctant to move from a place you like to somewhere you’re not sure about purely because you want friends in your immediate vicinity.

I mean, people will travel to take yoga and pottery classes, so they may well live in outlying villages too.

I have been in a smallish town for just over two years and its only now that I have started to make a few friends (and I am in my mid 20s). Mostly through work but a couple from my local sports club. I am an introvert though!

We have peace and quiet and we are just 5 mins drive from a small town with absolutely loads going on. We have a settlement here of around 25 houses and there are village events. However we aren’t friends with anyone.

Neither am I friends with anyone I meet at the clubs and events I attend in the town. DH and me are never quite sure why this is, but I have noticed joining things doesn’t get you friends. It gets you time out of the house. DH and me have long standing friends from a different era of our lives and that’s fine for us. There’s certainly groups who have known each other for many years in the town, know each other from church and actually don’t need anyone else. So they are “friendly” but don’t need you as a friend. I think you would have to be very outgoing to make friends and go above and beyond to get noticed!

Don’t move just do the driving, 20 mins is nothing is it.

I needed to find a new crew as I retired early at 55 and the only friends I have that have also retired young don’t live locally to me. My local friends still have their noses to the grind stone. I joined various hobby groups and also volunteered. I have gleaned 3 really good friends, been to my house and me to them plus others I would go for coffee with. I was fine with jumping groups quite quickly, no time to waste.

Plus do not be mates just for the sake of mates. I joined a yoga group for a term. Well there was an established group within the group who did coffee and had a book club. I just had a bad vibe off them. They were very much Ladies that lunch and lived in the little village near me, where everyone knows everyone I’m on the edge of the next town in the ‘posh bit’ when they found out I lived in that bit they wanted me in.

I have been very wary of over sharers as well.

Is there nothing else going on in the village that you live in? There must be other people/women who are up for doing something - could you organise something yourself?

Put a notice up in the shop/pub/church (whatever!) to advertise for it or to simply set up a weekly meet-up?

It sounds like you have a lovely home and like where you live, so I'd be very wary of changing that, tbh.

@BIWI yes, it’s just a small pool of people- most women my age have younger children so hang out together as connected by the primary school.
also, I’d love to see some new faces!

I did an exercise class 20 mins drive away: no one would have noticed if I was there or not. I’ve also joined an art club with the same result. I’ve actually now joined the U3A as I’m older - with the same result. I do lots for them but there’s no friendship forthcoming. People are pleasant but not much else. I’ve been a school governor and nothing going on there socially either. So DH and me keep ourselves busy. We see our old friends regularly and we accept that. The only time I’m ever invited for a coffee is when someone wants me to do something! That’s not friendship.

I think you should move, you're obviously a social person and are easily able to make friends.

I’d start driving and look at setting something up yourself where you live as well . There’s more people that you realise who are in the same boat x

Why not try something after work, since you're already in a city and might be more going on there? Depends if you're after "friends to do stuff with" in which case you might meet them at yoga, book club etc, or friends to have deep and meaningfuls with and go to each other's houses. Easier to get the first, imo.

If it’s 20 mins drive - try it!

when you find you’re driving there so much that it would make sense to move, then look at moving.

Definitely. Go for it.

I have noticed joining things doesn’t get you friends. It gets you time out of the house.

This is 100% my experience too. In my 40s, I've made all my new friends (who are "friends to do stuff with", love that description!) through work. Absolutely none from going along to classes.