To want to separate our finances

[T1822]

At present my DH and I amalgamate all of our finances together. Our relationship is
not in a very good place at present and finances are a major area for disagreement.
I have always been very conservative in my expenditure, don’t spend what I haven’t got, find it easy to prioritise what needs to be spent and don’t have any expensive vices or hobbies.
My DH is happy to spend what he doesn’t have e.g. using overdrafts and credit cards to buy things he wants and refuses to quit smoking and not buy alcohol unless we can afford it. He is aware that he isn’t very good with money and has said that “i
deal with the finances”.
Before we had our LO this was annoying but didn’t have a significant impact. However since having LO and paying over £1k in childcare per month we no longer have the buffer and this is causing resentment as I don’t feel we have an equal share of disposable income.
I would like to separate our finances so we both pay into the joint account to cover joint expenses (mortgage, bills, food, nursery) and then have our own personal
money. However I am concerned that he would go into debt / over his overdraft and not be able to fully contribute to the joint expenses which I can’t cover alone.
he has run up credit card bills which I don’t know how to pay off (we are meeting the minimum payments and a little extra but can’t so a way to clear them with him spending how he is.
I'm not really sure how splitting our finances would resolve things but it feels like it should. AIBU?

While splitting finances will give you a feeling of more control, and a good place fundamentally you will be jointly liable for any debt as you are married. Because of the joint liability I think you need to dig deeper and figure out why he’s so spendy with money, otherwise I fear you are just kicking the tin can down the road. From what you have said this be a challenge as he doesn’t seem overly receptive.

Do you know how his parents view spending/saving ? It may go some way to explain his attitude.

Every month have that money going to somewhere. So obviously all bills and necessary stuff so for instance, food is 550 for us, that goes to a separate bank account.
Money for fun stuff gets divided up and put into seperate monzo pots I pay 150 toward holidays and dh pays 190.

We know roughly how much our petrol needs are, again put somewhere.

We have more pots for the children's needs.
On top of all that we have short and long term savings.

After all of that is spare money
If you did it this way you know your dh can spend what's over and you know it's not robbing from elsewhere.

Monzo is excellent for this

Being married doesn't mean you're jointly liable for debts OP. Only if they are joint loans and joint credit cards etc.

However, if you split finances and manage to save while he spends, those savings are still a marital asset in the event of a split.

Thank you but the problem is he knows that he is spending what we haven’t got ie it is going on a credit card not from either of our current accounts, but he doesn’t seem to be able to stop spending.

This is my worry. His mum was /is very cautious with money and was on a low income so used buy now pay later schemes to cover birthdays / Christmas / emergencies but always paid them off in a timely manner. This is the bit that he doesn’t seem able to comprehend.

You need to discuss with him. Have a list of your income and committed expenditure and discuss how you (both of you) will ensure you have what you need to meet your outgoings. Does he understand the implications of him continuing to spend money you don't have? Can you then agree a way forward?

Thank you. The debt is currently on joint cards and my priority is to get these paid off rather than generate savings. I think it would be a good first step to stop using joint CC and have our own.

Then he needs to recognise that this is not normal behaviour and that he should seek help for it.
His reckless spending could have catastrophic consequences for your family in the future if he continues on this path, whether you separate your finances or not. It's the root of the problem that needs addressing here.

Op is responsible for debts that she signed up to e.g mortgage and bills that have her name on.
Anything just in his name is his
Being married is irrelevant

I think Im going to have to write everything down and show him in written form (which I have tried before but he’s refused to look at). I’m probably approaching it wrong as to me the easiest thing to cut back on is the cigarettes, but this just puts his back
up.

I would separate finances and set up a joint account for household bills (which you manage).

Tell him how much you need him to transfer into this account and include a set amount for the credit cards such as £150. Then cut up the card so he can’t use it. As you pay down the balance more of the £150 will go towards the balance rather than the interest each month. Start with the credit card with the highest interest rate.

It shouldn’t be your job but I do t think he’s going to manage it on his own.

Thankfully it is a 0% card so all payments go towards paying off the balance.

Can he work more hours to fund his extra spending?

Possibly, but he already works long hours and does shift work so additional hours (which he has done in the past) impacts his mental health / stress levels which then impacts his parenting.

Transferring into a joint account is the wrong way round. Both wages need to go into the joint household account which you control then transfer personal spends to your own accounts. That prevents him getting overdrawn and being unable to make his contribution to household costs. He needs to hand over the credit card so he can't use it and you need to let him fail. If he can't afford cigarettes towards the end of the month he'll soon learn to budget but it will only affect him.

Yes individual debts stay with the person but they are taken into account during a divorce as it affects 'needs'

I have an uncontrollable spender for a dh. After nearing breakdown of marriage over money and debt we agreed that he transfers all his wages to me except his spending money and I sort all the bills out, put money into savings and our private pensions. If he gets a credit card or overdraft again I'm gone. He only has a basic current account that can't have an overdraft. My credit card went in the safe and is only sud for big purchases where we have the money to pay it off.
He showed me his credit file once a month at the beginning and now years later it's once a year.

Yes may be childish but he knows he can't control his spending (all our kids have adhd) and this was only way to sort our situation out

I'd be concerned if you split finances that you'd still be liable for the debts, have your credit rating impacted but lose visibility of his spending.

I'd run some credit checks- Experian, money saving expert have one as well and make sure he has been honest about all the debt accrued. I'd then have a frank conversation about your situation and give him a number of options, one of which would be giving him a preloaded money card for his spending and you control access to everything else, he wants to buy something fine- but he needs to tell you. I'd then keep monitoring credit files to make sure nothing else is taken out.

Quite frankly if he didn't agree I'd look to keep the relationship but divorce and separate on paper, including households until he sorts himself out. His putting you and you child in a very precarious position.

I don't think credit cards can be joint op - there is one named account holder with an additional card holder. I would be VERY cautious about whose name the credit cards are in...

If he's in debt then it's worth speaking to Citizens Advice or a debt advice charity. Don't baby him by acting as his parent and taking on money management.

First thing I'd do is close these joint cards, not allow any more spending on them, reduce the credit limit to 0.

Take the joint cards away. Don't let him keep running up debt in your name.

If his mum involved him in her money worries, this might be a reaction. Comments like "we can't afford that toy and dinner" or "your friends parents have more money than us" can sometimes have the effect of gorging. So although the money isn't his (debt) he has access to it (loans) and will continue to just be awful with money until the next addiction comes round such as overwhelming amount of unnecessary purchases/hoarding.
If this is the root cause, therapy can help but men rarely attend. You could live together and divorce for financial reasons? You would still be a couple but the divorce would protect you/keep a roof over everyone's head.
Another option is for both of you to sit with his mum and dad and go over all the debt and heavily involve them in his financial decisions.

Honestly, leave. This stuff doesn't get better. You will be better off alone, financially and emotionally.

Very difficult situation OP.
The terribly difficult thing is that it is extremely difficult to change individual views on money/spending etc

Half of her savings and investments could go to her h in the event of a split which is something for her to consider.

I think this is probably your best bet OP, and as 'Hankunamatata' has done, tell him if he applies for any credit without your knowledge, that's the end of your marriage. I'm not even sure that YOU are taking this seriously enough OP, as you haven't even mentioned taking away his access to credit, which is where he is really going to get you in trouble.