To want to separate our finances

[T1822]

At present my DH and I amalgamate all of our finances together. Our relationship is
not in a very good place at present and finances are a major area for disagreement.
I have always been very conservative in my expenditure, don’t spend what I haven’t got, find it easy to prioritise what needs to be spent and don’t have any expensive vices or hobbies.
My DH is happy to spend what he doesn’t have e.g. using overdrafts and credit cards to buy things he wants and refuses to quit smoking and not buy alcohol unless we can afford it. He is aware that he isn’t very good with money and has said that “i
deal with the finances”.
Before we had our LO this was annoying but didn’t have a significant impact. However since having LO and paying over £1k in childcare per month we no longer have the buffer and this is causing resentment as I don’t feel we have an equal share of disposable income.
I would like to separate our finances so we both pay into the joint account to cover joint expenses (mortgage, bills, food, nursery) and then have our own personal
money. However I am concerned that he would go into debt / over his overdraft and not be able to fully contribute to the joint expenses which I can’t cover alone.
he has run up credit card bills which I don’t know how to pay off (we are meeting the minimum payments and a little extra but can’t so a way to clear them with him spending how he is.
I'm not really sure how splitting our finances would resolve things but it feels like it should. AIBU?

I'll be honest, and I don't say this lightly, but in your position I'd threaten divorce unless he starts managing his finances like a reasonable adult with a child. And follow through when he inevitably fucks up.

@T1822 You might like to visit Martin Lewis's Money Saving Expert website. The forum has a debt free wannabe section and a great starting point is to post your statement of affairs so users can offer you advice. The SOA template can be found here: https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php and its a great way to set out all your incomings and outcomings.

How are the credit cards joint. I worked in a bank and a credit card was in a sole name and the account holder could authorise someone to have an additional card on the account but the debt belongs to the account holder. If the account holder dies all cards are stopped and the debt is with the deceased's estate.

There is no excuse for a grown man refusing to be financially literate. It's as bad a refusing to learn to read.

Debt is a slippery slope and he needs to stop pretending to have more money than he actually does.

Remove all cards. Cut up the credit cards with the debts. Put away the debit cards. Give him an allocation of cash to cover his "wants" (fags, booze, etc) so that he can't continue to buy when the allocated cash runs out.

He needs to learn - even if it has to be the hard way - that money doesn't grow on fucking trees.

So long as you work out what he needs to pay to keep the home afloat and he never falls back on that.
If he decided to get into debt and have an irresponsible attitude on the rest then he's a grown man. Let him find out the hard way. So long as none affects the actual home.
Splitting finances is good if you end up splitting up as lawyers can see the joint bills OK.
Time for him to grow up and if he doesn't and asks to borrow some say no.

Hope it works out reasonably well for you.

Cut up the credit cards and make him spend cash only that he has in his pocket ?

Cut the cards up ... otherwise you'll get further in debt. Tell him if he wants a cc, he'll have to manage it and pay for it.
Realistically you need to sit down and do a budget together, which you both have to stick to.

You don’t want to hear this yet but you can’t “fix” someone.

You can choose to live with his reckless spending and smoking (ugh, my first husband was an alcoholic and smoker) or you can choose to not live with him.

Anything else is just you trying to manage him and I’m telling you now it won’t work because he clearly doesn’t want to be managed.

Only you can decide WHEN this is a deal-breaker. Sorry.

this will be my error, I thought that once you both had a card it became a joint CC, they are therefore in his name and I am just an additional card holder.

Small mercies!

Oh that is disappointing @T1822 can you print off both your credit scores? I use Clearscore, it is free to use.
I can only guess that his score has changed if he is propping up his spending with credit cards.
Would this be an idea to start an informed discussion?

I understand your panicky feelings. My exh used to hide his spending on cc's and lie about it. He would say he had stopped, I believed him every time. I would lay awake at night worrying about how to pay bills and feed the kids. One day I realised it was years later, he still was telling lies and I just didn't respect or believe in or love him anymore. I was done. Divorced him but the debts stuck to my name and held me back for years, longer than the marriage lasted. Horrible days.

Long winded way of saying, if he is sinking and refuses to hear reason, then save yourself.

Don’t involve his parents OP he’s a grown man and it’s none of their business. My partner is crap with money and he even took from our eldest’s savings to cover up for his debts. He doesn’t even buy anything special, it’s just overspending kn day to day stuff. His mother who hadn’t taught him how to budget ans he was growing up, and just paid off his debt after a certain point didn’t care because she needed him to be reliant on her. I put a stop to that!

my partner has ADHD and the overspending is a dopamine hit for him. The need for the hit is greater than the fear of the debt. He’s a lot better now but he still gets into debt, albeit smaller debts.

I have to manage the household budget so he puts all his wages in a joint account and all but one payment comes from that. He has his disposable income and that’s for him
to deal with. As long as as our household bills are paid, any future debt is his own to cope with and I know every 6-12 months I’ll have to come in and sort out any issues because he genuinely isn’t capable of not overspending. It’s awful but having seen how hard he tries and how he still has lapses I know it’s like
any addiction.

Thank you all.
Both of our credit scores are currently still high so to date haven’t been affected but this is one of my main concerns.
Im fortunate in that he has never hidden his spending and I am totally aware and have access to all accounts to monitor and pay where needed. But this is affecting what we can do eg we haven’t got money to go on holiday, which I don’t think is fair on our LO and me.

I would consider divorce.

Get yourself signed up for credit agency reports, check there's no "extra" loans in your name.

If you own your house, get alerts set up on the Land Registry.

Lots of charities offer debt advice. If it gets bad, it takes years to sort, so I would take advice now.

Is it true that both spouses are jointly liable for debt? Even if not a party to the credit cards?

I suggested that you cut up his credit cards OP, are you going to do this, as otherwise I don't think you'll ever get his spending under control?

The reason I haven’t cut up the cards is that he will spend over his overdraft limit which will
mean we don’t have the money to cover the mortgage. I had also thought that it would be more detrimental to our credit score than him using the cards and us working to pay them off.
We spoke last night and we have gone through everything. At the minute he seems to be remorseful and wanting to make amends. He’s going to have cash to spend at the beginning of the month and only have his debit card available for petrol / emergencies.

There's no such thing as a joint credit card. There is the cardholder and 'additional cardholders' who hold no responsibility for the debt. Are you the main cardholder or is he?

For goodness sake, he's a MAN, a grown up, why can't he just learn to control himself? If he has cash, all he has to do is split it into so much per day or so much per week, and once it's gone, it's gone, a bit like you might teach a child. That's the trouble with credit cards, most people aren't aware of how much they're spending, and he's clearly one of them. Is there no way his bank will prevent him going into the overdraft?

I really couldn't be with a man like this OP, and if you stick with him you will ALWAYS be poor!

Sorry, I’d misunderstood how CC work and thought as we both had a card it became a joint account. The account is in his name and I am a named card holder.

The bank would close the overdraft but as I’ve said I’m concerned this will nagatively impact our credit score.
His thinking was that we’d always been able to clear it before, so once we are paying less for childcare fees we will be able to pay off the expenditure. Which is true, I just don’t want to wait that long and it’s affecting what we can do now.

He does seem to have heard me so hopefully progress will be made and sustained.

Good news for you, its not your debt to worry about. Cut the cards up and get him to delete off Google/apple pay etc.

Think long and hard about your future with two children.
One whom has the potential to fxxk you up financially.
It's not worth it.

Why would it negatively impact credit scores by removing the overdraft facility?? It's an 'optional extra' it's not a bad thing to have it removed. You also speak to the bank about blocking the account from going into 'unauthorised overdraft' too. Which bank is it? I've worked for many years previously with nationwide barclays and lloyds so I could give you some targeted info on how to request this.

This is so true.
My high earning friend married one of these.
He loves his toys and she has bank rolled it all. He has no ambitions in work and has done the very minimum he could in a civil service position.
He has boats, bikes, motor bikes, a high end campervan, you name it, he loves his 6 bikes, of several thousand each.

As long as I know her she has always juggled money.
Such a waste.