My brother ignores my children

[Mrsjohnsmith]

He’s never been kid-friendly, never wanted to hold my two kids or play with them, that’s fine and I get that some people just don’t like kids (although he does have his own toddler). It didn’t matter when my kids were babies and toddlers and didn’t notice. Now however they’re 8 and 10, and he doesn’t speak to them, and I’m getting increasingly pissed off that it’s rude.

He lives further away so doesn’t see us often. When he does come it’ll be a weekend overnight visit. He says hello and goodbye to them, but other than that doesn’t speak a word to them. Doesn’t ask them questions, comment on things they do, just acts like they’re not there. They in turn mostly ignore him because they’ve learnt that he doesn’t want to engage with them. If they occasionally ask him to play, he’ll say a distracted “yes” and then wander off so he doesn’t have to actually go through with it.

I just feel like now they’re getting older, he’s a guest in their house and it’s really rude to just ignore their existence as far as possible…….i also feel like I’m teaching my kids that it’s ok for someone to come into your home not even use basic manners to ask how you are. AIBU and too precious here, or is it rude for him to ignore them as they’re actual people?!

Have you spoken to him about it?
Does he act like this with other people or just the children?

Where's his toddler when he comes to visit you?

Why does he actually come to visit? What do you talk about?

I'd be letting him know that he can stay home if he's going to be like that with my kids. Does he even bother with his own toddler? It really is disrespectful to you and your children so you're definitely not bu to tell him not to come back

I haven’t spoken to him about it, we’re not really close enough to have that kind of open chat, and I’d be worried he wouldn’t come again.

His toddler is usually napping/eating/playing with me or DH/playing with DB or SIL….now that toddler is around my kids get pushed to the side even more.

Conversation even with just him is hard work, DH and I do all the question asking and mostly just end up talking about DBs job. He comes to visit to maintain family ties and keep in touch……which is ironic now that I write it out! I guess he’s just not a talker with anyone. This doesn’t matter so much with DH and I who are adults and can do the leg work of steering a conversation, but my kids don’t have those adult social skills yet so it just results in nothing. If we try and get him to join in a board game or something with us and the kids he’ll just wander off and have a coffee.

I wouldn't invite someone to my house that ignored my kids.

If he’s not a talker with anyone, then you’re taking his lack of interaction with your children too personally.
Some people are like that. Not internationally, it’s just the way they are. I guess you either accept him the way he is, or reduce contact.

If you're not close and can't have open chats why on earth are you inviting him round at all?!

It sounds like he's quite socially inept and maybe has no idea how to interact with them (which I do relate to slightly because I find children older than my kid tricky to know how to talk to because I have so little practice. With kids the same as mine or younger I 'get' how to do it).
Nevertheless, he should not be allowed to be rude to your children in their own home! On his visits I would try to organise days out that all the kids could enjoy (zoo? Swimming pool?) so it puts the kids at the forefront of the day, and will make it less obvious if he's not talking to yours.
You could also lay down some rules with him, but you would risk him not coming and maybe you want to maintain the family connection for the sake of your nephew/niece.

It's just rude. I get not wanting children or even liking them all that much, but some of the child free attitudes are disgusting. I mean the people who are like 'children shouldn't be in public spaces' and 'why should I have to interact with them? I don't owe them anything, I chose not to have them'. But your brother actually has a child, which makes this even weirder!

Children are human beings with their own thoughts, wants, and opinions. They deserve to be acknowledged and given the same basic level of respect you would show any other adult family member or friend if you're all hanging out together.

Good points, I probably am taking it too personally. They live in a tiny flat a few hours drive away, so we can never go to their house - I guess we invite him because we want a relationship with them, and to be a good aunt and uncle to their son. We’ve never been close enough to talk about feelings together, I do that with my DH and friends instead of my family. Reduce contact is a good point, and so is saying something!

Days out is a great idea too!

I wouldn't invite him back until he could learn to show some bloody respect to my kids.

Your brother is a dick. Stop giving his shit behaviour preference to your children in their own home, their safe space.

What is his interaction with his own child like? Is it different when you take your family to visit him, rather than him coming to you?

I wouldn't bother making conversation with him.

He’s not even child-free though.

Have he got ADHD or autism?

You're not close and conversation is hard work - why do you have him coming to stay? I wouldn't be wasting valuable free time/weekends bothering.

It sounds like he doesn't know how to make conversation with anyone rather than being rude.

Doing a group activity might work - a family jigsaw, lego challenge, or going for a long walk somewhere.

He seems to take it for granted that you'll invite him, put him up and make all the effort while he does bugger all in return, all to 'maintain family ties'. Sod that! Let him do a bit of maintenance for once.

Do you like your Sil and your neice/nephew? Does sil talk? Is toddler ok in your house? If you don’t want to see them, don’t invite them. It’s not obligatory, of course a toddler gets attention! It’s inevitable. Your brother just seems odd.

Has your brother always been a person of few words? If he has, then it's probably nothing personal. However, his behaviour does come across as someone who visits out of a sense of duty, rather than because he genuinely wants too. Only you know if he's always been like this, and if it's just the way he is, or not. The fact you're not close, and can't have a conversation regarding this issue, says quite a lot really (see my statement above!). I understand you wanting to maintain a relationship with your nephew, so therefore you overlook your brother's ineptitude in social situations. I wonder if it would be better to suggest a day out somewhere? You can meet up half way, and it might keep your children and his toddler entertained. That way there's not so much need for him to play with your children or to have conversations. Explain to your children, that their Uncle's lack of social skills isn't their fault, they've done nothing wrong but it's probably pointless in them asking him to play etc.

I know, which is what makes it even offer!

ADHD has nothing to do with this behaviour.

OP the fact that you don't have a close relationship, points to deeper family dynamics that might influence both his relationship with you and your kids. Adding some introverted character or potential autistic traits in the mix and voila.

An option could be one day to open a deep dialogue of the past and how you grew apart. This might become a healing exercise for both. You want him to care. Instead of assuming or wondering, just dig in with him together to discover the root cause.

Why keep inflicting these tedious hosting sessions on yourselves and your kids? Carrying the one way conversation? He clearly isn't interested in you, so the questions are an interrogation rather than a two way genuine interest.
Just meet the man somewhere public if you enjoy his company.

It makes me wonder what your brother’s experience of being parented himself was. This really reminds me of how my brother behaves with my own children (who are a bit younger than yours). He completely ignores them and when I mentioned it once he couldn’t see it at all. I don’t blame him for it actually. He had a very sad experience of being parented, frankly, and it actually breaks my heart a bit because my perception is that the way he pretty much doesn’t interact with them at all is probably a reflection of how he felt himself growing up.

I note you say you are feeling pissed off about it but haven’t actually spoken to him because that isn’t what your relationship is like. This suggests that communication maybe wasn’t a skill either of you have learned growing up and maybe you’ve picked up better skills/different expectations after you left home or from elsewhere.

Posters calling your brother a dick aren’t being very helpful tbh