Him not seeing his son

[user0872883848]

I've been talking to someone. We get along really well. We have a great connection and click well.

Just one thing. He has a young child whom he doesn't see. No abuse or anything. Was an accidental pregnancy and the child's mother was annoyed at his behaviour and told him to leave them (her and their child) alone. He did as she said and hasn't tried since.
He bumped into her not long after and she asked why he hasn't contacted. He said you told me not to.

This is a sticking point for me. Even if I accept this how can I go on to have a child whilst knowing that they have a half sibling that they can't see. And what's to stop him not doing the same to future child.

He says I'm being unfair.

I'm nd so I thought I'd ask here.

Aibu to not be comfortable continuing things to get into a serious relationship with someone who chooses not to see his child?

I feel doubtful that she told him to have 0 contact with his child. Sounds like something a man would say to excuse the fact he hasn't bothered with his kid YANBU to be wary.

I do believe that part.

He was sorting some personal issues and said he couldn't see child for X amount of weeks (usually saw him weekly) and she (rightly imo) didn't react well.
So I believe that.

But it's bytheby really because it's still his choice.

He said he doesn't want to have his contact dictated by a court. I said it hasn't even got there. You haven't even any a message.

Does he pay maintenance for the child?

What made it accidental? Did he slip and fall and impregnate her?

Surely you can find a better man. Why would you want children with someone you already know has no contact with an existing child? He won't be any different with you.

It would be the bin pile for me.

Does he send her any money? It sounds like he really has no integrity - why would you risk being the next woman he sleeps with and then is a single mother? Big red flag.

Pays cm yes.

But yes I agree with you all.

He's saying I'm just saying this because I'm a female and don't understand. Even if I disregard my feminism, what's to stop him doing it with me

The fact he says you are being unfair, means that he either thinks you are are stupid, or he is.
Everyone on the planet knows that if you have a child, you should provide and care for them, and if you don't you are at risk of causing harm to an innocent child.
So he's trying to make excuses for his shitty behaviour.
There is no bloody excuse.
If he thinks it's okay to do this to a CHILD, then what will he think is acceptable to do to you?

There is nothing to stop him doing it with you. He has shown you what kind of man he is. Believe that!

"He's saying I'm just saying this because I'm a female and don't understand"

Ruh-roh

Oh it’s because you’re female that you have a moral compass, is it?

I would struggle to see why you would stay with someone so substandard.

For full transparency, I have a child. I'm a single mother. Child's father was abusive and he's chosen not to see her because he doesn't want a court to dictate contact. You know how it is. It's so common.

He's saying that ^^ and the fact that I'm a female is clouding my mind.

This is the crux of it.

It's not even really about me.

But I'm imagining an innocent child sat there with a parent who can't be arsed basically. Then I go on to have a child with him. Say we didn't break up, everything went well. How do u explain to my child that their father has another child they don't see and further to that they have a half-sibling that can't see? I can't do it.

Nice and succinct.

I think I can sort of understand. He's paying cm so not abandoned all responsibility. But when I was a young mum to my first, I didn't want my child out of my sight. And my child wouldn't have wanted to occasionally see someone who felt like a stranger. And when I went back to work I would have resented using my precious free time to facilitate playdates in a way that would be comfortable for my child. It's also going to be painful for the father. I kinda get it. And in any other context, if a woman says "leave us alone", and that request is ignored - it would be deemed harassment.

Same for me. Immediate no.

Mmmmm.

With the harassment thing, what about when he bumped into her not long after and she asked why he hadn't contacted and said she didn't mean it.

And he didn't even send one message so why would that be harassment?

And say it was because he didn't want to harass why not fight legally? Why not try mediation?

I don’t know why you’re wasting time trying to understand any of this. The man’s a waster and also seems to think you’re an idiot! I hope he hasn’t met your child. Seek therapy to understand how you’ve gone from an abusive relationship to actually entertaining a man who has done the same to his child as your ex has done to yours. I say that kindly, I needed a lot of therapy to understand why I had repeated patterns. This man is absolutely no good. Dump and be done with him.

Granted, that's true. But really you need to drill down in to this and speak to him about it, it will help you understand more and you can better assess what kind of person he is.

Of course he hasn't met my child. What do you take me for?

I have been single for 6 years. I haven't jumped from an abusive relationship to entertain him.

This is a unique situation for me. Because usually they would be blocked immediately.

I've done the freedom programme and a da course. He's not abusive, quite the opposite, hence my confusion

Granted, that's true. But really you need to drill down in to this and speak to him about it, it will help you understand more and you can better assess what kind of person he is.

Thank you for that B0xes. You're tight.

Right *

What is about that that he thinks your tiny female brain cannot understand?

Massive red flag. There's not really any acceptable excuse and I would run a mile.

For me a man who makes no effort to see their own child is a huge red flag for me.

This would totally put me off him. If he can disregard one child he can do it again.

It’s great that he hasn’t met your child, but you’re still contemplating a relationship with someone who is a complete piece of shit! IMO it is actually abuse to abandon your child. Also the ex was ‘unhappy with his behaviour’ must have been bad if she never wants help or a break from him. He needed weeks to sort out a problem so couldn’t see his child? Who else can or would do that? The mans a pig, block and forget.