AIBU to want to go out twice a week?

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Partner & I have one child (nearly 6). I like to see my friends and do a regular volunteering activity. I think it's reasonable to go out twice a week and have him do bath & bedtime, he acts like it's unreasonable. He's a nice, calm man so he's not nasty about it or anything, but I can tell he doesn't like it.

I would be very happy if he was out 2 evenings a week as I miss being alone. However he probably only goes out once a month.

If we both did 2 evenings out then we would still have 3 evenings together a week & perhaps we'd actually appreciate that time rather than veg out on the sofa!

AIBU? What do you do in your family if you have a partner?

I go out some 3 times in a week/ whenever I choose but DC are grown.

I dont think YANBU.

Not at all unreasonable! I have a hobby one night a week and try to see friends another night of the week. DH does a hobby with friends one night a week and goes to the gym another. Just because your DP doesn't have lots of plans doesn't mean you should stay in.

I think it’s healthy to have interests outside the home and not your fault your DH doesn’t.

What if he doesn’t want to go out though? Can he relax at home and you take care of everything two nights a week? Or is he not getting any time back. Maybe you could make plans with him too, it’s probably a bit insulting to hear that you miss being without him and if you saw him less you’d be motivated to turn the time you spend together into more quality time.

We have a very equal split in terms of childcare & household stuff, which I am very grateful for as so many women don't.

We do try to have a "date night" once a month depending on babysitter availability.

I think we should try to make the most of one evening together per week too, i.e. actually do something together inside the house instead of watching TV.

YANBU, as long as he knows you don't mind him going out, and chores are split evenly.

I think if he's a homebird you are 100% right to keep up your social life outside the home, and actually I would have a chat with him and make clear that this is important for both of you. A lot of men are perfectly happy to rely on their wife for all their social needs, which is stifling, and they become grudging and unenthusiastic when she doesn't want to sit home every night meeting those social needs, which is unattractive. You will be happier and find him more attractive if he doesn't try to prevent you having a life.

In fairness you also need to accept that he doesn't want to go out - not everyone is sociable and he shouldn't feel that you are wishing he would feck off out for once, even if you secretly are.

I think what prev poster was asking though is, do you do all bath/bed twice a week as if he was out? Because to be equal that's what you need to do, so he is free two nights to go out, or not, to do as he pleases. Then you have two nights to do as you please. If that's the case then I would say fine.

I go out 1-2 nights a week with volunteering and DH is out 1-3 nights a week volunteering (not the whole night thought just 1-2 hours).
Then I tend to go out a couple of nights a month with friends. use to go out 1 night a week to an exercise class but havent for a while. DH goes for a run with friends early on a sunday morning.

Well, with 7 nights available, I'd say taking 2 for yourself is fine - he could take 2 (bit opts out), and that leaves 3 together for family time.

Just because he doesn't want to take a small amount of time each week to himself, doesn't mean he gets to tell you he cannot. Even if he just "clocked off" and tucked himself away and had a bath or did some gaming or whatever his at home hobby is.

It's also very healthy for the child to have 1.2.1 time with both her parents.

Obviously I meant YANBU.

I am way more social than DH and I dont like watching TV all the time. So I go out. Luckily he doesnt object. I know many of my friends have to stay in with their husbands all the time. I would find it suffocating.

I think the "equal leisure time" rule of thumb applies here.

If he works long hours and you're a SAHP, I can see that it's very uneven.

If you cover bed/bath on 2 other nights and work similar hours to him, seems reasonable.

I think as long as he gets his evenings off when he is at home then that is ok. If he doesn't want to go out, then that's fine, but maybe take this into account in the evening if he is home and not to bother him else I can see it is one sided.

If he works long hours and you're a SAHP, I can see that it's very uneven

Why would a SAHP not be able to have two evenings outside the home?

This sounds healthy tbh

It's just me and dd so I haven't had an evening out in over 6 years 😄

I'm grateful though because before then I still rarely went out

Yanbu

As long as you take over completely for two night while he does whatever he pleases, YANBU.

Arf at being a SAHP equating to leisure time.

I think it's fine personally. My husband is the sociable one and I'll be honest at times it has grated to be the default parent - I think the idea of making sure he has a couple of 'free nights' for himself even if he doesn't go anywhere is a good one.

Which evenings are you out? If, for example, you had a regular night out on Fridays and Saturdays, he might feel you're blocking the two "night out" nights

If you have a partner that works long hours and they have limited free time, then it's probably unsustainable to expect them to give even more of it up.

Oh when I was a SAHP I still went out at least once a week.

I think it's just one of those unfortunate situations where of course you're not doing anything wrong at all going out 2 nights a week, but your DP just doesn't want to do the same and therefore feels hard-done-by because he'd rather just be sat at home with you.

I'd crack on with your 2 nights out and just remind him that he has the option to go out himself, even though it seems like he won't.

The way you've put this resonates. I do accept he doesn't want to go out as much as me. He does want to go to the gym so I can perhaps make it clearer to him that he has the green light to do this in the evening.

Nobody works longer hours than a SAHP, especially if that person is also the main carer, doing night feeds and wakings, early mornings, the evening routine, the one that the child always want to cling to, etc. etc.

OP says she and DH do an even split, in which case this doesn't apply.

OP - on his two 'free' nights, you need to make sure you do everything with the children and house as if he was out, even though he is on the sofa.
Apart from that, YANBU.

It's a mix. Volunteering usually Tuesdays and social night could be any evening depending on what I'm doing.

I like this 👍🏼

(I am default parent anyway, so in reality he gets plenty of time to do whatever he pleases as our child always wants me if both of us are at home 😅)

I don't think pretending that SAHPs of school age children work incredibly long hours is particularly helpful to anyone.