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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not offering accommodation

53 replies

noideaoffuturenow · 13/01/2025 12:59

Backstory; DH siblings & family moved abroad after kids... to another continent. They visited every year and every year we had them stay. Sometimes for weeks, usually over special family occasions/holidays. They would be very welcoming to us if the tables were turned, but the event of us travelling there is extremely rare-has only happened once and is unlikely to happen again. I always felt obliged to say yes they could stay as a pushover newly wed/young mum in the face of older stronger personalities; they don't ask DH, they contact me. They would I found it VERY difficult & intrusive having them here despite getting on well with them in general; I am a quiet, very private, routine orientated person. I like 1-1/small dinners when I socialise. They are v sociable & love big get-togethers & would have friends call, arrange family reunions etc; they are very full-on people who talk A. Lot. Also-DH works away a lot and this place has to function like a well oiled machine-having ppl here does not help-it makes it more difficult!!
We have 4 DC of our own. Two of whom we now know are ND; were difficult babies/toddlers and much worse with this disruption-now recognising the ND I completely understand why!!
With travel restrictions during covid, the visiting ceased, I breathed a sigh of relief and vowed to be strong and say no in the future. And I did, last year explaining that with the ages our DC are at, it's just not fair to have anyone stay for long periods. Ok for a night or two, (but saying yes even for one night inevitably ended up being longer term stays). I hoped that would be the end of it and that they'd sort their own accommodation in future -they lived here for years, have many friends they've stayed in contact with, whose kids are adults & have moved out. However, I've had the 'can we chat' message about their visit this year and am steeling myself for the inevitable 'please don't feel obliged to say yes, but....' call. I am a lifelong people pleaser who's recognising I am probably ND and fed up masking and ignoring how I feel. I used to make myself tolerate it, as I felt that DH needed this time with them; but the reality is-he travels with work & chooses to be away to avoid them. I'm in contact with them WAY more than he is. So; AIBU to stick to my guns and say no? Or should I make the effort and let them stay...

OP posts:

toomuchfaff · 13/01/2025 13:14

please don't feel obliged to say yes, but....'

Ah I'm very sorry but we can't accomodate at this time... will be lovely to see you but I can't accomodate you to stay at ours due to family obligations and commitments

TipsyKoala · 13/01/2025 13:18

No way would I want even close family to stay longer then a few days. Especially as you're a family of 6. Speak to your husband and make an agreement that they stay a few days tops, or sort alternative accommodation. Then message back and say DH is going to speak to them about it. He should be the one to have the chat with the family.

NarNarGoon · 13/01/2025 13:19

Could you beat them to the punch and message back something along the lines of:

yes, let’s arrange a time to chat about your upcoming visit. Does X or Y suit you? DH and I are so looking forward to seeing you all. It’s a shame we aren’t in a position to host visitors at present so let’s make sure we book in dinner at X and I know the kids would love to do ActivityY so let’s try and book in a time for that too.

Dotto · 13/01/2025 13:21

Your husband will tell them himself, no?

Ella31 · 13/01/2025 13:26

NarNarGoon · 13/01/2025 13:19

Could you beat them to the punch and message back something along the lines of:

I like this approach. Get in there first

Inkyblue123 · 13/01/2025 13:28

I’ve been in both ends of this situation and it is really tricky. Whilst we would all love to stay in hotels for a month, it is prohibitively expensive for many. It’s perfectly reasonable to say it’s difficult to accommodate visions at the moment but we would live for you to stay x number of nights. That gives them the chance to stay with other people and book hotels. You don’t have to host them for weeks on end, at the same time putting yourself out of your comfort zone for a couple of days shouldn’t be a big ask within a family

CantHoldMeDown · 13/01/2025 13:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 13/01/2025 13:31

Do they live in the sort of place people want to visit?
If so, could they sign up to a house swap website? We have had a number of requests for swaps from people who want to visit family/friends nearby but the family/friends either don’t have room to put them up or it’s just easier for everyone to have their own space.

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 13/01/2025 13:36

Telling them no is your DH’s job.

Say you can’t fit them in now the kids are older and bigger and meeting their needs wrt bring ND makes it harder.

But I would have them for a weekend when your DH is present.

LadyDanburysHat · 13/01/2025 13:44

Your DH doesn't even want to spend time with them, so why on earth would you host. I agree with @NarNarGoon beat them to it with no hosting and offering to meet them at some point.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 13/01/2025 13:46

NarNarGoon · 13/01/2025 13:19

Could you beat them to the punch and message back something along the lines of:

Love this! Take the initiative and close it down

NowYouSee · 13/01/2025 13:52

I read the OP and my first thought was, as others suggested, I would message them in advance making it clear you can’t have them stay so that is the baseline. Ensure DH is on side and will hold the line.

I would then practice having some deflection statements ready if they try and pick through the thinking and practice saying them out loud in the mirror. Things like in response to why not “it just isn’t feasible with the needs of the family”. And if pushed “it just isn’t realistic for us, but I would love to meet for a day out to [place]”. And if you have to “Sam I know this is less convenient for you but we didn’t come to the conclusion lightly. Please, this is making me quite uncomfortable now”

Heronwatcher · 13/01/2025 13:54

I agree, say no before they can ask. Or at most say 2/3 nights then we have decorators in/ sleepover etc so there’s a hard stop.

I’d also be sure to arrange a time when Dh is at home, and take myself off to a few things so the hosting is on him.

Hurrayakitten · 13/01/2025 13:57

what prevents them from booking something on airbnb? Get DH to speak to them.

HolidayHattie · 13/01/2025 14:12

You have a DH problem. This is DH's family. DH needs to deal with it, not expect you to host then conveniently take himself off elsewhere "for work".

Tell DH that he, not you, needs to have this conversation with them and, if he invites them, he has to do everything - cleaning, shopping, cooking, making and stripping the beds etc and be present for the whole duration of their stay and entertain them. Obviously he won't want to do that, so therefore he needs to tell them that they can't stay.

If he does invite them, you will be ill and take to your bed for a fortnight.

SparklyNewMe · 13/01/2025 14:48

I was on a plane once where a young woman with an aisle seat refused to be moved to accommodate a family with young children who didn’t care to make prior, at cost arrangement to sit together. She has paid extra to have that seat and was very passive in her response to them. They have called her selfish etc and she said “Exactly, I agree with you. I will be staying in my seat”

My point is you do not have to make a thing out of it or be confrontational, they are a family - hear them out and say “it would be lovely to see you but we are not able to host you this time, we have a lot on with the children and work. I will spare you the details”. Not an abrupt no but firm enough.

kittybiscuits · 13/01/2025 14:53

Don't say we're not able to host you 'this time', just say if you're visiting our country, we'll look forward to catching up with you, but we're not in a position to host you anymore, as I'm sure you can understand'. Don't wait for them to ask, just say it right away before they ask.

Balloonhearts · 13/01/2025 15:19

I'd do it in a way that seems like I am confiding in her and she is helping me out. People with that kind of extrovert and welcoming personality love to be of help.

'As DC get older and their SEN affect them more, they really struggle with the break in routine that comes with having people stay. Especially with DH working and I have to organise everyone like a military operation. I know everyone is going to want to stay with us, but it's just not practical and I feel awful saying so as it's such a looked forward to visit. Do you think anyone would mind booking an Airbnb or something? I'm sure they wouldn't, they'd understand but I feel dreadful about it!'

Or something along those lines. This sets her up to go 'Oh no of course they wouldn't, I'll sort it with them, leave it with me!'

Then she is in the role of lovely, in charge MIL/SIL (depending who messaged you) sorting everyone out for her stressed out, overloaded with work relative who cannot POSSIBLY be expected to take on any more.

My family are a bit like that and that's how I handle them. Ask my cousin, do you actually want to host everyone or is it a pita? Pita? OK leave it with me. Right you lot, X is swamped with kids and trying to work, we can't all just descend on her so who wants to sort the hotel and who is going to book the skating rink?

They usually react well to it once it's pointed out that actually hosting 11 people is a big ask.

HellofromJohnCraven · 13/01/2025 15:35

Don't chat.
"I would love to have a catch up. I have to be very clear though that we can't facilitate anyone staying with is. The kids are older and can't share bedrooms any longer. I am sure you will understand. If you want to catch up about anything else, please feel free to call

Swiftie1878 · 16/01/2025 15:50

Find an Airbnb for them and forward it to them. Just say it will be more convenient for everyone if you all have your own space.
But, of course, you can’t wait to see them again.

notatinydancer · 16/01/2025 15:54

HellofromJohnCraven · 13/01/2025 15:35

Great response. I also think your husband needs to deal with them.

mezlou84 · 16/01/2025 15:57

I have 3 ND children and husband is also ND. Say very sorry but we won't be able to accommodate at all in the foreseeable years. The children are ND and need strict routine which is thrown out when people stay. We absolutely love seeing you though and will make time within the routine to see you all during your stay over here. It may be as small dinners with a few at a time as more people upset the children. My youngest hates new people or people he hardly sees and will actively hurt himself to cope so it would be a hard no though we would be able to make it work with 2/3 at a time at home or at a quiet meeting place where they could already be. My eldest would be able to manage and middle would somewhat but not the youngest. Be open and honest with them and stick to the firm no reiterate it won't happen in the future either

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 16/01/2025 16:00

You have 4 kids, 2 of which are ND (so need routine I guess).
You write they still have loads of friends here. Friends whose kids have left home (so have space).
It’s not like you’re their only option. But it is really disruptive for your family.
Get in there first. When messaging back, immediately mention you can’t host this year as you’re a family of 6 and the kids have school, need their routines etc. But you’d love to have them over for dinner.

whatsappdoc · 16/01/2025 16:07

I can't believe your dh stays away and lets you deal with his family! No way should they be staying without him being there. Even without them surely you could do with his support? 4 DC and two who are ND, that's a 2 person job. You need a break!

thescandalwascontained · 16/01/2025 16:26

You need to preemptively tell them that while you're looking forward to seeing them and catching up, unfortunately, you're not up to hosting.

You don't have to explain.

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