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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

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53 replies

noideaoffuturenow · 13/01/2025 12:59

Backstory; DH siblings & family moved abroad after kids... to another continent. They visited every year and every year we had them stay. Sometimes for weeks, usually over special family occasions/holidays. They would be very welcoming to us if the tables were turned, but the event of us travelling there is extremely rare-has only happened once and is unlikely to happen again. I always felt obliged to say yes they could stay as a pushover newly wed/young mum in the face of older stronger personalities; they don't ask DH, they contact me. They would I found it VERY difficult & intrusive having them here despite getting on well with them in general; I am a quiet, very private, routine orientated person. I like 1-1/small dinners when I socialise. They are v sociable & love big get-togethers & would have friends call, arrange family reunions etc; they are very full-on people who talk A. Lot. Also-DH works away a lot and this place has to function like a well oiled machine-having ppl here does not help-it makes it more difficult!!
We have 4 DC of our own. Two of whom we now know are ND; were difficult babies/toddlers and much worse with this disruption-now recognising the ND I completely understand why!!
With travel restrictions during covid, the visiting ceased, I breathed a sigh of relief and vowed to be strong and say no in the future. And I did, last year explaining that with the ages our DC are at, it's just not fair to have anyone stay for long periods. Ok for a night or two, (but saying yes even for one night inevitably ended up being longer term stays). I hoped that would be the end of it and that they'd sort their own accommodation in future -they lived here for years, have many friends they've stayed in contact with, whose kids are adults & have moved out. However, I've had the 'can we chat' message about their visit this year and am steeling myself for the inevitable 'please don't feel obliged to say yes, but....' call. I am a lifelong people pleaser who's recognising I am probably ND and fed up masking and ignoring how I feel. I used to make myself tolerate it, as I felt that DH needed this time with them; but the reality is-he travels with work & chooses to be away to avoid them. I'm in contact with them WAY more than he is. So; AIBU to stick to my guns and say no? Or should I make the effort and let them stay...

OP posts:
thestudio · 16/01/2025 16:37

OP, can I ask if you have ever raised the fact that DH, like so many men, leaves the shitwork to his wife - in this instance asking you to both cater for and socialise with his own fucking family?

God, this disrespect and injustice is so much a part of so many women's lives that I think very few even register it - but it enrages me. It totally dominates so many of our lives.

And these men are considered - especially by themselves - to be Good Men generally.

They're not.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 16/01/2025 16:39

Be firm and get in first! 'Yes, lets have a call to discuss your visit. We're looking forward to catching up. Please remember that we can't host you any longer than two nights; with two ND children at home we have to keep things pretty quiet these days. Hopefully you'll be able to stay with other friends.'

YourHappyJadeEagle · 16/01/2025 16:43

NarNarGoon · 13/01/2025 13:19

Could you beat them to the punch and message back something along the lines of:

yes, let’s arrange a time to chat about your upcoming visit. Does X or Y suit you? DH and I are so looking forward to seeing you all. It’s a shame we aren’t in a position to host visitors at present so let’s make sure we book in dinner at X and I know the kids would love to do ActivityY so let’s try and book in a time for that too.

Brilliant. Polite and friendly while telling them how it’s going to be.

Greyish2025 · 16/01/2025 16:45

thestudio · 16/01/2025 16:37

OP, can I ask if you have ever raised the fact that DH, like so many men, leaves the shitwork to his wife - in this instance asking you to both cater for and socialise with his own fucking family?

God, this disrespect and injustice is so much a part of so many women's lives that I think very few even register it - but it enrages me. It totally dominates so many of our lives.

And these men are considered - especially by themselves - to be Good Men generally.

They're not.

Agree, your husband needs to deal with this

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 16/01/2025 16:52

Your DH can reply to their message - from his phone.
Keep doing this!

I agree on the 'Yes - lets all chat - so looking forward to seeing you again - it is such a shame we can't put you up at our place - it will be great to meet you at X doing X and X with you all.'

Do not offer reasons why it is not possible to put them up.
They will counter any reasons you give.
Just shake your head sadly and repeat versions of it is inconvenient/impossible and such pity.
If really pressed - just repeat that it is a shame but not possible and you don't want to go into it right now.
(Make it a challenge to yourself not to give a specific reason.)

Tumbler2121 · 16/01/2025 16:56

Whatever you do don't make excuses that they can get round. How about ... we don't have people to stay any more. Absolutely true.

Inertia · 16/01/2025 16:57

I wouldn’t leave it to your husband to deal with this, because his past behaviour proves that he doesn’t give a shit how hard it is for you to, he can just swan off and leave you to it.

I agree with PPs who have suggested that you get in first- tell them that unfortunately you can no longer host them at your house, but you’d love to meet up once they have sorted their plans .

Lilactimes · 16/01/2025 17:01

Swiftie1878 · 16/01/2025 15:50

Find an Airbnb for them and forward it to them. Just say it will be more convenient for everyone if you all have your own space.
But, of course, you can’t wait to see them again.

yes - this is what I would do.

NiftyKoala · 16/01/2025 17:02

NarNarGoon · 13/01/2025 13:19

Could you beat them to the punch and message back something along the lines of:

yes, let’s arrange a time to chat about your upcoming visit. Does X or Y suit you? DH and I are so looking forward to seeing you all. It’s a shame we aren’t in a position to host visitors at present so let’s make sure we book in dinner at X and I know the kids would love to do ActivityY so let’s try and book in a time for that too.

This is perfect!

Feelingstrange2 · 16/01/2025 17:06

The situation hasn't changed from last year..you still have a large family at home.

They need to change to a new visiting routine now your lives have moved on from what they used to be.

Agree with PP to reiterate this is your reply message so they can adjust any expectations ahead of the chat

cansu · 16/01/2025 17:07

Get in there early. Your dh needs to contact them and be clear about what you can or can't do. Personally I would offer three or four nights only. It is also fine for him to say that this is the maximum.

ChampagneLassie · 16/01/2025 17:15

Of course stick to your guns. It doesn’t sound like they’re insisting. Suggest an air BnB nearby if you want to facilitate time with them. Or further away if not. Just make it a hard no, no wiggle room. You’ve 4 kids for goodness sake! Do it for them if not yourself

Georgyporky · 16/01/2025 17:20

Don't offer them so much as a single night's stay, there'll be many reasons why they can't move the next day.

diddl · 16/01/2025 17:22

"It will be lovely to see you at some point during your visit but we can't put any of you up at all".

I might send links to accomm if I was feeling generous.

diddl · 16/01/2025 17:23

he travels with work & chooses to be away to avoid them.

But you had them to stay?

Was he not really pissed off about it?

Clanson · 16/01/2025 17:24

If they are going to phrase it as "don't feel obliged but..." then honestly, my guess is you are overthinking this. Just take them literally.

You have FOUR kids!! The house is full. It's reason enough. Obviously I don't know your relatives but I do think most people would understand it's a big ask and be more than happy to be told no.

BettyBardMacDonald · 16/01/2025 17:25

Inkyblue123 · 13/01/2025 13:28

I’ve been in both ends of this situation and it is really tricky. Whilst we would all love to stay in hotels for a month, it is prohibitively expensive for many. It’s perfectly reasonable to say it’s difficult to accommodate visions at the moment but we would live for you to stay x number of nights. That gives them the chance to stay with other people and book hotels. You don’t have to host them for weeks on end, at the same time putting yourself out of your comfort zone for a couple of days shouldn’t be a big ask within a family

No.

The OP doesn't want to host them any more. She has paid her dues and gone far above and beyond already.

We all have to cut our cloth. If they can't afford accommodations for a long visit, they do a short visit. Or find someone else to stay with, or save up longer and do a long visit next year. This is NOT the OP's problem to solve, whatsoever.

monkey666lynn · 16/01/2025 17:27

What is,ND? We need these things broken down. I don't understand half of them...

Doloresparton · 16/01/2025 17:30

monkey666lynn · 16/01/2025 17:27

What is,ND? We need these things broken down. I don't understand half of them...

Neuro diverse.

Cherrysoup · 16/01/2025 17:40

Don’t offer even one night as they’ve previously taken the piss and overstayed! CFs! Point out an Airbnb nearby, but say you aren’t in a position to host.

OVienna · 16/01/2025 18:02

It's completely unacceptable they think they can stay with a family of 6 for an extended holiday. It's just not on.

I'd be tempted to start a What's App group including your DH where you go - "Just opening this group so DH can get back to you directly on this." Put him right on the spot.

But I guess as the others have said, he'll probably say yes.

You'll have to just be direct with them. I would be briefer than some of the suggestions here tho.

justasking111 · 16/01/2025 18:06

It's not unusual for overseas visitors to stay at Airbnb type property, friends who run them have said. Freedom for everyone. They can spend time with old friends as well as family.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/01/2025 18:07

Whilst we would all love to stay in hotels for a month, it is prohibitively expensive for many.

Well, then you don't go for a month! You book an Airbnb. You don't expect family to poke up with you, because you think hotels are pricey...

Flossflower · 16/01/2025 18:32

Unless you live in a mansion, having people to stay would involve your kids having to double up in their rooms. This is just unfair on them.
I would be inclined to say that you don’t have the room now your kids are older and that is the truth. Don’t agree to a couple of nights. You know it won’t be that.

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