This isn't ok, is it?

[123dontcomeatme]

Firstly, I know it's not ok, but I'm just in that stage where I can't believe what happened and am just doubting everything.

For context: my mother is a difficult lady. I do love her but she's most certainly narcissistic and challenging. There have been various points in my life where I have cut contact with her, once for 10 years. Her behaviour had got worse over 2024 and there was a big argument on my birthday. This started with her throwing chips in my daughters face, shouting awful things at me for over and hour, and her husband stopping me from leaving the house by barricading the door with his full body weigh while I pulled at it asking to be let go and that I wanted to leave. He did not let me leave and I committed the massive sin of telling them both to fuck off. We haven't seen them since

Last night my brother got us together with a view to sorting things out. Obviously everything was denied, the chips didn't happen, what i have done has broken her, how could I ever do that. Her husband started telling me how my behaviour was disgusting. I said that he needs to think about the chips and the barricading me in and he said no. He said he didn't lay a hand on me so it was fine. I said, no it wasn't fine, I wanted to leave and he was physically stopping me. He then said ' ok, if it happens again, I will physically pick you up and throw you off my property "

I was dumbstruck. My brother did say that was not ok to say.
I said I was leaving and got up and left the room to put my shoes on. As I left the room I said that this is the issue, there is no respect for me as a person at all.

My brother started asking me to stay and I just kept repeating no, I was leaving and that I was done.

He followed me out to the road and kept asking and said mum would be more upset now, to which i replied she needed to be upset with her hooligan husband.

I left. I haven't heard anything since, from anyone

I know full well since I left that somehow this will be twisted to be my fault.

I can't see a path forward, if family think that is an ok way to treat someone, there can't be a healthy relationship.

But, as is the case where you grow up in this kind of environment, this morning I'm just doubting myself and want to check that I'm not wrong.
Thank you.

You are not in the wrong at all. So sorry your own family treats you like that. I'd definitely keep my distance if it was me. Do you and your brother have a good relationship at least?

You're not wrong. protect yourself and your child and cut contact.

You're not wrong at all. You did the right thing.

Don't put up with this shit any longer. Watch out for your brother to turn against you as well, but you have to break contact with all of them.

I wouldn't keep in touch with your brother either he is part of the problem

Why is he just accepting his moms husband saying that too you without saying hang on a minute you can't say things like that to his FACE not behind his back to his actual face

Also your mom throws chips at your daughter?

You don't need people like these in your life. You have to start putting yourself first, and prioritise your mental wellbeing. These people sound awful. Good luck OP.

YABU if you think this is ok in any way, shape or form.
YANBU to cut these people out of your life completely. They won’t change because they don’t recognise they e done anything wrong.

You are not wrong.
The only thing you should have done different is phone the police when not allowed to leave.

And maybe not have bothered with your brother's peacemaking.
(He is acting a bit like a flying monkey, so I'd probably restrict contact with him too, at least for a while.)

You really do not have to have a relationship with your mother or her husband, but you do need to make peace with that in your mind. Or it may be that you decide you want a relationship with your mother but with conditions. E.g. you want to see her but will only do so in a public place so when you meet you could go for coffee, or lunch or something. My mum would never behave the way she did private, in a public place.

You can continue a relationship with your brother independently to that of your mother if you wish.

Some counselling may help. It really helped me to make sense of things.

Whatever you decide, you need to put some firm boundaries in place to protect your child/ren, if not yourself.

They sound like narseholes.
You're right, everything will always be your fault and they'll bait you to react and weaponise your reaction if you continue with this dynamic.

I'd be telling them to fuck off a second time... through my actions not my words.

Thank you.
That's just actually made me cry and I didn't cry yesterday.

I just keep replaying it and I wish it wasn't true.
I know i don't have a choice now, I have to cut all contact, but really I'd rather have a kind family. It really upsets me.

I just can't believe he said that. I understand it's part of the narcissistic relationship, my mother must not be upset for any reason and anyone who does is the devil. She can say and do what she wants but you must never react. But to be faced with the cold hard fact of that yesterday, with a threat of violence for saying barricading me in their house was wrong... I just can't. As my daughter said, the fact he was even thinking that is worrying, let alone saying it out loud.

Of course you need to cut contact.

But how are you planning to help your daughter heal from this abusive situation? How old is she?

The path forward for me was to sit with my own grief for a while, knowing I’d had enough and couldn’t go back to being abused after 45 years of it. Then, much sooner than I thought (a matter of weeks) I began to feel relieved at being free, and now nothing will drag me back there.

I’d strongly recommend counselling, alone, never with family like this. And setting boundaries with your brother. He may not accept them, in which case he’s a big part of the problem and is hurting you too.
If not for you, end this for your daughter’s sake. I hope you can, life gets so much better on the other side.

You are right. They are wrong. It is difficult when siblings haven't reached that level of awareness and try to act as go-between. But try and chat with your brother about what happened and point out to him that expecting basic respect is not a fault you need to correct. Be proud you have shown your daughter that you stand up for her. In families like this, that is a heroic act.

When I finally decided to step away from my monstrous father and an entire family of his generation that fawned over him, my life long severe depression vanished. My sister soon followed me and we became closer as a result.

My daughter is 19, I'm 47.
She's not little and very much knows what is going on. She was very low contact only seeing people at birthdays, maybe 6 or 7 times a year.

To be honest, I didn't see them that much more, though they only live a mile or so away. Certainly less than 20 times a year, however I would get around 6-10 phone calls a day that would start at 6:30am. Mostly the calls were just her talking at me, she would just list off everything she had done, rant about other people, I used to try to say she had told me already, but she wouldn't listen and would just keep talking, once she had finished, without asking how I was she would say ' right, got to go' and hang up, or would start a conversation/ start shouting at her husband but get offended if I said if she's talking to someone else I would go. I was expected to hang on the phone and wait. I work full time, leaving the house at 7 45. If I ever said at 6.30am! That is couldn't talk because I was getting ready for work, she would take massive offence and start getting huffy.

It's all nuts and fucked up. I know that.

I don't have much of a relationship with my brother, no texts or calls, he's a man ( according to my mother) so you can't expect any thing from him. He just turns up to things and that is enough. He didn't get the massive amount of phone calls a day or the constant criticism etc.

He knows its wrong but will ultimately side with my mother because that's the family situation.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. I've had a similar situation with my mum and her husband (he squared up to me), I did cut off contact for a while but then resumed because of guilt and ofcourse it was my fault. Fast forward a few years and I reached breaking point and cut all contact. I'm sad and grieve for the family I wanted but the reality is that will never happen.

Perzival- so sorry.

I feel that way, i just feel really sad.

What is will never understand is how they level such horrible behaviour and see no issue with it and then blame me/ you.

I don't understand the thought process. Anyone else, if they did something, would immediately say they were sorry and it was an accident and be apologetic and try to sort it out. If I ever reacted and was so hurtful that's what I would do, because you care and love that person.

I just don't get it.

see them ... less than 20 times a year, however I would get around 6-10 phone calls a day that would start at 6:30am...

But sure you have known that this is excessive contact for a normal relationship, never mind an abusive one - which this clearly is.

Why did you put up with this? Did you never seek counseling or at least try to examine why your boundaries are so seriously skewed?

How are you planning to deal with this past abuse now? Because it requires more than merely going no contact with your abuser.

You are not wrong and not over reacting.

Perhaps Google Mel Robbins "Let Them" book and podcast. But only if you want to. No one needs to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing. You've got this.

Of course I knew the phone thing wasn't right. I've tried many times to raise it, or just not pick up.
If I didn't pick up she would just ring again and again and keep ringing. Or then try ringing my daughter over and over. She would dress it up by saying aren't I lucky to have someone who cares and she would give anything to speak to her mother again so I'm just ungrateful.

I had counselling for ptsd, unrelated to family, for a serious life impacting trauma, 2 years ago. Through that I softened towards her and realised she very certainly lives with massive undiagnosed anxiety and probably several mh issues. I've tried to be kind, thinking that I don't think it's her fault, it's not intentional. But it actually is.

Boundaries with her are so skewed because I grew up with it. I have no issue in my wider life, but she's my mother and as a whole that's what gets said to you by society.

@123dontcomeatme I think the not understanding is part of the problem. We expect that level of normality and to be treated how most people would treat others so when they behave like this and find it acceptable, we question if we've misunderstood or at least I do/did.

Have a look at triangulation and scapegoats. I'm betting a lot of the theory will resonate with you.

The stately home thread on here is really supportive too and helps as it gives you somewhere to bounce you're thoughts around and clear your head a little.

I found going no contact really hard and because I'd tried in the past they expected me to apologise (for reacting to their behaviour) and move on/ go back to how things were then when it became clear I wasn't things really ramped up. The best advice I was given was to allow myself to grieve because you have to come to terms with never having that relationship which even as an adult child you want. Ultimately nobody wants to have to cut parents out of their life.

Have you got a couple of good friends or supportive partner who understands and you can lean on if things do get harder?

I wish you all the best and I'm sorry that this happened to you, it isnt right or normal behaviour to block somebody from leaving and it definitely isn't accepting to say that you'd be picked up and thrown off.

Well done 👏 for standing up for yourself. You are in the right and don't any of them make you feel any different. You've not lost anything by moving on but gained self respect. 💓

Just to add, the phone calls and guilt are also not normal or healthy. Fear, obligation or guilt are not good enough reasons to allow yourself to be abused.

I don’t see how you benefit from having a relationship with this woman at all.

You don’t owe her a relationship.

Protect yourself.
Go NC or very LC.

I don't benefit.

There is so much more that I could post about but there isn't really any need- it's all a mess and it's clear as day to see, I just wish it wasn't.

But I'm just struggling with what was said to me last night, to threaten violence, from a man I've known for 15 years. In front of his grand daughter.

And my brother hasn't even had the decency to message to check we are OK.