This isn't ok, is it?

[123dontcomeatme]

Firstly, I know it's not ok, but I'm just in that stage where I can't believe what happened and am just doubting everything.

For context: my mother is a difficult lady. I do love her but she's most certainly narcissistic and challenging. There have been various points in my life where I have cut contact with her, once for 10 years. Her behaviour had got worse over 2024 and there was a big argument on my birthday. This started with her throwing chips in my daughters face, shouting awful things at me for over and hour, and her husband stopping me from leaving the house by barricading the door with his full body weigh while I pulled at it asking to be let go and that I wanted to leave. He did not let me leave and I committed the massive sin of telling them both to fuck off. We haven't seen them since

Last night my brother got us together with a view to sorting things out. Obviously everything was denied, the chips didn't happen, what i have done has broken her, how could I ever do that. Her husband started telling me how my behaviour was disgusting. I said that he needs to think about the chips and the barricading me in and he said no. He said he didn't lay a hand on me so it was fine. I said, no it wasn't fine, I wanted to leave and he was physically stopping me. He then said ' ok, if it happens again, I will physically pick you up and throw you off my property "

I was dumbstruck. My brother did say that was not ok to say.
I said I was leaving and got up and left the room to put my shoes on. As I left the room I said that this is the issue, there is no respect for me as a person at all.

My brother started asking me to stay and I just kept repeating no, I was leaving and that I was done.

He followed me out to the road and kept asking and said mum would be more upset now, to which i replied she needed to be upset with her hooligan husband.

I left. I haven't heard anything since, from anyone

I know full well since I left that somehow this will be twisted to be my fault.

I can't see a path forward, if family think that is an ok way to treat someone, there can't be a healthy relationship.

But, as is the case where you grow up in this kind of environment, this morning I'm just doubting myself and want to check that I'm not wrong.
Thank you.

It is so so so hard to see the wood for the trees when you’ve been immersed in this sort of family abuse from the beginning. When someone has exposed you to their horrendous behaviour it is so hard to identify what’s normal and what is ok.

None of this is ok, OP. I truly believe the only way forward for you is NC with all of them. You need to save yourself.

Not that I'd wish anyone to be in the same boat but my brother and I haven't spoken to my dad or step mum for over a year in my case or 2 years in his case. Same story, he thinks he is above the law and can treat us like shit with impunity, the minute anyone else steps out of (his very distorted) line they have committed a sin and must be punished. It is painful to go through the 'break up' but I have to say a year on it is easier and I wouldn't want to go back. Good luck.

Text conversation had with brother, he said its my fault for not keeping my ' f&#king mouth shut, and that i goaded that comment by not agreeing with what was being said.

I said to him that I wanted a relationship with him and his family as there was no problem but that I understood if it was too difficult.

I've now had a ton of shit from him that I've put him in the middle, despite never talking about it to him and him approaching me to meet with a view to solving.

None of this is unexpected hes the very well known golden child, he even says it himself.

But it still hurts and I've lost 5 members of my family through no fault of my own. No family left for me now.

I'm so sorry this happened to you - the previous posters are right though about cutting contact because your family are abusers and there's no other way to survive. It's hard because societal expectations about 'happy families' are strong but it sounds like you have your daughter and she is your family. Abusers don't stop however 'reasonable' you are and that's what you need to understand I think. There is nothing you can do to change their behaviour - that's their responsibility not yours. And the no contact gets easier over time but it needs to be real no contact - change your phone number to start with. And include your brother in the no contact because he's facilitating the abuse.
Sending some solidarity to you because you sound like you need it.

Thank you. I feel really upset.

OP - you are absolutely right to go NC with the lot of them, including DB, because all they seem to be doing is grinding you down and minimising your valid feelings. You are also standing by your DD in a way none of the rest of the family have backed you so you should feel proud of yourself for that.

Please cut them all off forever. They're lucky you didn't report them to the police last time. Tell them not to contact you otherwise you'll deem it as harassment.

The way they behaved is very wrong. They do sound very narcissistic, who cares if mum is "more upset". Thats what they do to get it all about them. Protect yourself and your daughter and walk away. I totally understand the twisting things to make it your fault. It's not your fault , they are narcissistic. You can't get anywhere with people like that , they drain the life out of you , don't take responsibility and twist it to look like you. Then you are doubting and questioning yourself. Know that they are in the wrong , don't put up with anymore of this bullshit and put yourself and your daughter first, or your child will grow up damaged from their behaviour

Hi OP,

Firstly I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You do not deserve it.

I have a ‘recovered narc’ mother and a narc brother (I’ll get to the recovered part in a minute), and my dad enables it all. Growing up was hell and I went low contact / no contact many times. Lots of violence and gaslighting.

I grew up with a poor sense of boundaries and a deep sense that everything was my fault. I ended up in a relationship with another narcissist.

here’s where it gets interesting- my mum had trained to become a therapist and had had over a decade of therapy during this time. She’d never admit she had a problem, but I believe that deep down she knew that she did and she trained in therapy in order to get some help.

She realised what was going on in my relationship and she and my dad helped me to leave. We now have a good relationship as adults, albeit with plenty of boundaries. Occasionally she relapses and I have to enforce boundaries over and over again, and sometimes I struggle with forgiveness. I’ve had a lot of therapy myself too. We’re in a good place now, though.

sadly my brother is worse than she ever was and so I haven’t spoken to him in 3 years.

all this to say that I understand how difficult this is. I believe it’s possible for narcs to heal
after many years of therapy, but they have to want to do this.

here are some things which have helped me:

-continuing to remind myself that you can’t control the actions of others, only your own
-investing a lot in therapy
-being wary of ending up in relationships with other narcs because the way they behave is familiar to you
-the book ‘children of emotionally immature parents’
-writing down incidents and how they made me feel so I’m not storing it in my head and questioning myself later
-allowing myself to grieve my relationship with my brother

Finally, here’s the most amazing thing: you get to build your own family now. Whether that’s with friends or a partner and children, you get to choose to surround yourself who fill you with love and light every day. I’ve done this, and my home life is completely different now.

wishing you all the best xx