To think you can spend 17 years together and never truly know somebody

[EvenThe]

I’ve never got over the damage from my cheating ex partner, father of my kids. Despite years of therapy I still feel a lasting deep trauma.

To think maybe you don’t just get over such deep deception? You can think you know somebody, share every part of you with them, only to find out you never truly knew them at all.

Not just the cheating but the way the person turned on you after they were caught. The blame and abuse you can be put through for their own actions.

I think anyone can change, you could meet someone awful who becomes perfect, and vice versa.

I'm sorry you had to deal with such a nasty piece of work x

I think it says more about them than you. They treated you appallingly, not because of anything you did or didn't do, but because they are deeply flawed. Hanging onto that just perpetuates the misery they inflicted and the only person hurt is you. You have to let it go. Stop giving them that power.

I hear you. Similar for me. I don't think I'll ever quite get over what he and OW put me and my children through. I will never ever risk it again. I have PTSD and it's absolutely changed the path of my life and that of my kids. It's a horrible situation to be in. I've built a life and I am happy and fulfilled but the scars run deep.

I am in general happy in my life too. I love my home, friends, job and children.

But sometimes when I’m sat with my thoughts, it can still feel so painful. I’ve tried so hard to not care, but deep down I just can’t comprehend someone you thought you knew so well could cause such physical pain. They could twist everything, turn people against you, rewrite history, make your life financially hell and yet they already caused you so much devastation. Like you deserve to be punished further. But somehow this is the same person that promised the world and you trusted to bring children into the world with.

I am sorry but I don't get the purpose of the thread in the AIBU section. Why would someone say that to think that is unreasonable ?
It is happened to you and many people so do you expect anyone saying "oh YABU, that would never happen" ? I don't get it.

Some men have no morals and you are lucky you found out sooner rather than later

I have heard of a lot of men changing over a partners pregnancy and after childbirth when the real them comes out. It’s stands to reason it can also happen later in a relationship. Also people change, values change. So sorry Op I can’t imagine how you feel x

I think that is true because humans are complicated creatures.

that is why no matter who you choose to share your life with it is imperative to be responsible for your own resilience. To not lose yourself to another.

if the closest person to me betrayed me of course my heart would be broken but I know with absolute certainty that I would be ok in the practical sense and emotionally eventually
I have skills to be alone although I know life would be different and difficult I could do it.

it’s a choice I have made to share my life and heart with someone but I have never made myself dependent (emotionally speaking) completely on another human for exactly the reasons you are saying that we can’t definitely know another person completely.
The best we can do is trust they are who we think and they show us they are but be ready in case one day they turn out not to be.

I also believe it’s not healthy to only have that one person as that leaves you vulnerable if the worst does happen but that’s maybe not for this thread.

with all that being said I’m really sorry @EvenThe you deserved better. I hope things are easier now.

17 years sounds like later to me!

Sooner would have been before the kids came along.

Sorry I have been married 40 years so that doesn’t seem long to me😉

When the people who are suppose to love and protect us, betray us it really shakes you to your core. After all if they have done this then who can you trust?

I have a mother who betrayed me constantly and I have been cheated on by a partner as well. I no longer trust anyone. It's a lonely place to be but it's safer.

I completely understand OP - it's like you were living in blissful ignorance before, believing in the good of people and now you realise humans are actually pretty shit. It changes your perspective on the world and makes you feel much more vunerable than before. The naivety we have when we are young is wonderful in a way. Unfortunately a few hard knocks makes you realise the world is alot more cruel and unsafe than you gave it credit for.

Sorry for your troubles

p.s. there are some videos on you tube about betrayal trauma which might help you

I know exactly what you mean. My H had an affair and it’s shook me to my core. I have no idea who to trust now, my entire world has been turned upside down. Plus him and his family have blamed me for his actions. I can’t process any of it. I thought I knew him.

And you are expected to be over it and to move on v quickly.

I don't believe anyone can ever fully know another human being.

Very often, a human doesn't even know themselves... so what chance does anyone else stand?

I realised this when i watched the movie "Gothika" as a teen

Have you had counselling?

1)The fact is that this happens a lot actually, sadly.

2)Particularly with men. It's like a switch just goes off. They get divorced and just forget the 20 years marriage, recover very quickly and just quickly move in. Women seems to take longer.

3)Plus, why do you still hold him in such high regard? He wasn't actually the person that you thought he was, and if you're really honest with yourself and you look at your true personality traits before you met him during and after you probably put up with a lot and there were signs that if you really think about it, you should've taken more notice at the time, but you chose not to . Why?

4)And finally loads of people cheat, you see it on mn. Lots of people cheat and lots of people don't seem to have such much morals about cheating, the damage that a lack of trust does to a relationship. Once trust is gone it can never be regained. You might adjust, but trust is a wierd thing, can't be regained-gained.

On mn loads of people cheat. And in RL a few of my friends have. My morals and views on cheating seem rare. Have you knowledge's and accepted this? That unfortunately if you have strong views many sadly don't, he certainly didn't.

Same happened to me. One day he loved me and the next he shacked up with the OW.

Then the other woman then harassed and stalked me for years which ended up with her getting a criminal conviction. Turns out it was the biggest mistake of his life and she knew it and was extremely jealous.

These men often believe the grass is greener, it never is. They only think about themselves and leave families broken

Sorry for what you’ve been through @EvenThe 💐 I completely agree!

I have a very close friend who has been through similar - also 17 years! 2 teenage kids. He happily played along and rescheduled their wedding multiple times during Covid when it turns out he was having an affair the whole time - went on for almost 2 years. The abuse he hit her with after she found out was unreal, along with the lies he was telling people about her 😔

However, he also ended up being 10s of thousands of pounds in debt which she knew absolutely nothing about until after the split so I’m so eternally grateful that the wedding didn’t go ahead!!

I completely get you. I found out over 10 years ago that my ExH was cheating after 14 years of marriage. I don't think I have ever got over the deception and his behaviour afterwards and will never trust anyone again. It has damaged me a lot even though I have moved on and was and still am a very independent person. And I'm still incredibly sad that the life that I thought I and my children would have is not what I thought it would be.

This is a good point. And people don’t want to think of themselves as ‘bad’ or admit responsibility so try to justify selfish actions by blaming the other person and rewriting history as per ‘the script’.

So sorry this happened to you OP.

I've long since moved on from my ex. Like you OP, I'm happy with my life and forgave him years ago (for my benefit, not his), but like you, when I'm alone with my thoughts, I feel such sadness for the person I was back then and for all the pain he caused.

"you have to let it go"....I think anyone who has been traumatised by betrayal knows this. If you can tell me how to do that I'm all ears!
My DH left in August 23 after 25 years of marriage. Very very out of the blue for someone in his university class the same age as our oldest son.
All 3 aren't talking to him not because he left but because if the awful and crazy things he has done since, anyone would think he wasn't happy with the "love of his life".
I've had therapy. I'm at work, got good friends and can enjoy some things now. But I will be er get over the betrayal. He emotionally and financially destroyed me. I don't want to hold onto it of course I dont. But how can I ever come to terms with for example him getting engaged to get before he left me and using my money to buy her engagement ring?

Similar experience. How I let it go? I realised I was only hurting myself. My anger and other negative feelings towards him had zero impact on anyone but me.

Their actions are not about you, they literally don't care about you. It's not denying the horror and awfulness of what has happened, but more that they have moved on and you are consigned to history. It's pointless holding into that hurt, what purpose does it serve you? How is it helping you rebuild your life?

I'm not saying it's an easy thing to do, but it's something you should be working towards.