To think you can spend 17 years together and never truly know somebody

[EvenThe]

I’ve never got over the damage from my cheating ex partner, father of my kids. Despite years of therapy I still feel a lasting deep trauma.

To think maybe you don’t just get over such deep deception? You can think you know somebody, share every part of you with them, only to find out you never truly knew them at all.

Not just the cheating but the way the person turned on you after they were caught. The blame and abuse you can be put through for their own actions.

I know some couples make it work, but how? How does this happen? My H is so regretful and sorry would do anything to have me back. But how does you move on from all the hurt and the lies and betrayal? I will never trust him again. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming. I’m stuck in the anger and the hurt.

I think the question you need to ask is he actually sorry for hurting you? Or is he sorry that he's hurting because he got caught/you're upset with him?
A lot of the time with cheaters, it's the second one, not the first. They're sorry because the affair made them feel bad.
I think it can happen that a cheater has genuine regrets but it's more often that they're feeling sorry for themselves.

He tells me it’s because of what it’s done to me. I rather sarcastically replied that I was sorry for not taking it better.

I think they do just feel sorry for themselves.

OP, I was also in this position (so many of us!) and trusting people again is never going to easy or the same.
The best advice I had was not to let someone else's bad behaviour change the good, trusting person you are.
Be aware and careful, and make sure you have solid boundaries and be open about not tolerating bullshit, but ultimately deception is the fault of the person who does it.
I've made a choice to open up and trust again. It didn't guarantee that I won't be cheated on again, but I'm not letting one bad person take away my ability to have a loving, trusting relationship.
I absolutely fucking refuse to let him do that to me.

I think the way you get over it is by realising it’s about them and their character, not you.

Agree with above, don’t let it change who YOU are.

You can’t let it inhibit your own future as otherwise it’s you that ends up losing.
Most of the time the people they cheat with aren’t anything special, they are just available.

Unfortunately there are just good / bad / complex people out there.

I also think it depends on the context, I’ve been cheated on a few times.
The first time I forgive as he took responsibility and there were complicated reasons our relationship wasn’t in a good place. So “good” person and the cheating was caused by the situation.

The other times were led by ego, game playing and they also used me for financial gain….
So unethical, immoral “bad” people without conscience, who will ultimately do what they want if it suits their needs.

You can’t let it dictate your future, go into your next relationship having faith in the person unless their actions give you cause not to.

I have learnt not to listen to what people say … watch their actions and that’s who they are.

I will also say I was the OW once (having been told the marriage was already over and divorcing … later turning out not to be true) It was a horrible experience and one I would never repeat.

He also then cheated on me repeatedly (which I absolutely deserved ….. karma)

It’s always about them. It’s never about you. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’m utterly broken.