I don’t know how to parent DD and am worried about her

[Purtyburty]

I have done a few threads on this issue before but DD is 4 in a couple of months and we are having a lot of issues.

She is extremely controlling of her environment and tantrums all the time if things don’t go her way. Some days DH and I feel like we have just been moaned and screamed at all day.

I gave birth to her sister last summer and DD1 became overwhelmed by the baby crying which I did a post about. DD1 would become inconsolable at the baby crying and couldn’t be in the same room and would hit herself if she could hear it. We got ear defenders to help, especially to try and get them in the car together so we could go places. She improved a bit but then she started pre school and the issue around crying has worsened as she hears it a lot at pre school. 6 months later, DD1 can’t tolerate her baby sister making any noise, even babbling, let alone crying. Everyday a new noise is added to the list, dogs barking, music, church bells, cars, motorbikes, cafes, restaurants, being on FaceTime with family - it is getting to the point where everywhere we go there are major meltdowns, total despair and she doesn’t want to leave the house at all, but at the same time doesn’t want to be in the house because her sister is here. We have been to the doctors several times and gone privately but have no advice or reasonable suggestions. I am at a total loss what to do it is making me sad and she is sad all the time. Any help or a handhold needed.

Firstly, that sounds so hard, I really feel for you all.

Has she been tested for hyperacusis?

@TheWonderhorse they say everything looks normal. Is that a specific test?

Sounds tough! Didn’t want to read and run

I just did a quick Google, because I saw a woman interviewed with the condition and she said sound caused her pain. It's most common in adults, but can affect any age. Apparently the test is hearing tests, and questionnaires and ought to be done by an ENT specialist from what I've read. But that's a 2 minute Google search and scan read, please don't take it as knowledge or expertise.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/hyperacusis/

I don't know if it sounds like your daughter, but I do hope you get some answers soon.

Could she be autistic? I am very sensitive to sound but also light and movement.

If they have ruled out hearing conditions I'd work on it from a sensory perspective, so ear defenders, headphones, lots of opportunity to regulate/quiet time. Maybe she would fair better with a childminder than a nursery setting. Have you asked nursery senco to observe her?

I also wondered if your daughter may have additional needs, particularly sensory needs.

It sounds like your daughter could potentially be neurodiverse. Have a read online about autism, PDA and sensory processing disorder.

Reminds me a lot of my 3 year old daughter who is non verbal and has Autism. She can’t cope with a lot of different sounds and has sensory needs. I also recommend looking into sensory processing disorder/ND

Can you have an age appropriate conversation with her about how she feels when her sister cries. Then you can pinpoint to a degree what the emotions/pain area is and chat about solutions. Essentially, acknowledging her feelings might go a long way to help her understand them herself. Do it step by step and Maybe have a selection of words to describe it and she can choose the relevant ones.

This is not normal 4 year old behaviour. Your daughter has definitely got something going on. What does her nursery setting say about her ability to interact with her peers etc. You need support from your HV at this age or your nursery to get her seen by relevant paed professionals.

We have asked two doctors about autism and they were pretty dismissive. The first said she is only 3 let it run its natural course for a while and the other said she didn’t present as autistic in the time they had seen her.

Is sensory processing disorder different to autism?

Her school senco has not observed as far as I am aware.

I think it's likely she's Autistic. FWIW my now 10 year old went through a period around that age where he was like that with noise and also busy enviroments and it lasted maybe 2 years, but he's so much better now. It limited our lives a lot, the world got very small for him, we didn't go out much. I was scared at one point he'd get run over as he'd take off if he was triggered by a sudden loud noise and wouldn't wear anything over his ears because that hurt. He'd also run into anyone who was in his way when he took off. Thankfully that phase did pass and he's fine now even with things like handryers which he could never stand even before the bad bit. He still has a lot of limits because of how autism specifically is for him. His siblings are also autistic but it effects them differently. How well is she sleeping? That's always a big trigger for my DS, he's very sensitive to even missing a little sleep and then just can't cope.

Just to say that firstly, this sounds tough and almost certainly nothing to do with your parenting.

Secondly, Autism and sensory processing disorder are linked but also separate conditions (with SPD often being a symptom of autism). I did think this too, but her reaction to sounds could be for lots of reasons.

Although it's hard, it might also have something to do with baby coming along and her reaction. So the doctor saying to wait is to rule out other causes, especially if there has been a recent change in environment at home. It is extremely frustrating but as she is young it will be harder to diagnose.

Treatment is probably the best short term route, so ear defenders, a change in childcare possibly and some one to one time without the baby where possible are likely to be good options. Also, as she gets better with her communication you can ask her more what is going on.

I'm sure this is nothing that you've done, but instead that your daughter has additional needs. Sounds like you've done a good job trying a few things but you need professional support now. I'd start with a private GP appointment and then go from there with referrals.

I think your daughter needs assessed for autism.

You can use autistic parenting resources without a formal diagnosis. You know she has sensory issues with sound, you know she has some rigidity around her environment. Parent that.

The Explosive Child is a great book. It looks at working out what our kids find hard and then finding ways to support them (and you!) in navigating that.

Nothing magical happens after an autism diagnosis that you can't already implement now. Just focus on understanding what she's struggling with and trying different ways to make it better.

💐 go easy on yourself too, it's hard work.

Please go back to GP and insist on referral to a developmental paediatrician and CAHMS as this isn’t neurotypical behaviour and it sounds as if she is suffering - as are you all. Sending you strength, it sounds really hard x

But I agree with this. It needs further investigation to rule out other causes of her distress. I'd pursue this while trying parenting as if it's autism to see if that changes anything.

If you are quietly sitting in a room with her, does she try to control you then? Is it only to do with the noise? What would she be like with your little girl if they were both sitting quietly?

OP that sounds incredibly tough. Someone close to me experienced extremely similar - look into paediatric Occupational Therapy for sensory integration. I thought it sounded woo but it's been a game changer.

There are nhs hyperacusis clinics in London and Manchester at least. Not sure about elsewhere.

I am obviously not sure where you are but this is the Manchester one

https://hsm.manchester.gov.uk/kb5/manchester/directory/service.page?id=dfoje8IzwF4&directorychannel=4-7&slaction=ADD&itemid=jDBLWa-DuCT6g_pczi-EaWKgTAGqS1vnX0KYuokg_Q$$

This. NHS referral may take a long time, that’s if you can get one, so if can afford it go private.

is she ND?

Sorry just read through and seen yes possibly is.

Reach out for help through school mainly, also there's some helpful facebook groups.