I don’t know how to parent DD and am worried about her

[Purtyburty]

I have done a few threads on this issue before but DD is 4 in a couple of months and we are having a lot of issues.

She is extremely controlling of her environment and tantrums all the time if things don’t go her way. Some days DH and I feel like we have just been moaned and screamed at all day.

I gave birth to her sister last summer and DD1 became overwhelmed by the baby crying which I did a post about. DD1 would become inconsolable at the baby crying and couldn’t be in the same room and would hit herself if she could hear it. We got ear defenders to help, especially to try and get them in the car together so we could go places. She improved a bit but then she started pre school and the issue around crying has worsened as she hears it a lot at pre school. 6 months later, DD1 can’t tolerate her baby sister making any noise, even babbling, let alone crying. Everyday a new noise is added to the list, dogs barking, music, church bells, cars, motorbikes, cafes, restaurants, being on FaceTime with family - it is getting to the point where everywhere we go there are major meltdowns, total despair and she doesn’t want to leave the house at all, but at the same time doesn’t want to be in the house because her sister is here. We have been to the doctors several times and gone privately but have no advice or reasonable suggestions. I am at a total loss what to do it is making me sad and she is sad all the time. Any help or a handhold needed.

I would look into autism. It is very often overlooked in girls who appear to be reaching milestones on time. It is difficult to pick up on as girls are so good masking their issues and appear typical. Do some reading and if you think it is a possibility you may need to go privately for assessment.

I agree it sounds like autism and/or SPD. You may find that if you can reduce her stress levels her tolerance of noise improves a bit. You could try increasing routine and predictability and see if that helos. You could also try to find sensory activities that calm her. Swinging on a rope swing is a good one.

This sounds almost exactly like my DS at that age - he was diagnosed as autistic aged 6 and is now doing well at secondary. I was terrified when our senco first suggested autism but it isn’t what many people think it is and is a wide spectrum. We were fobbed off by our GP so went privately for an assessment (camhs waiting list was 5+ years!) and I’m so glad we did as he began to thrive with the right support. As others have said it might also be a distinct sensory processing disorder rather than autism (they can look similar)

Thank you for your reply. She is quite controlling in the sense that when we role play she directs me what to do with all the figures and dolls etc. she likes to dictate the game. When my little girl is quiet DD1 adores her - can’t stop kissing and cuddling her and playing with her. She does actually really enjoy the laughing noises the baby makes and that is probably her happiest time when she is with her sister and they are laughing together.

What do her nursery teachers say? I would talk to them to see if she is showing the same signs.

Could you try noise cancelling headphones whist out and about to see if tantrums reduce?

I have heard that the being "bossy" in play can be a sign of autism in girls too. Not saying that to scare you , but it's a thought.