To change my perfume for a man?

[LittleMousewithcloggson]

Posting on behalf on friend who does not create any internet accounts due to her history…

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years. Had many restrictions put on me, including not being allowed to wear body spray or perfume as I “smelt like a tart”
With help, I managed to escape the relationship and slowly began to rebuild my confidence. I have found 2 perfumes I love “Good Girl” and Chanel “Coco Noir”. They have become part of the new confident me and I love them.
I recently felt up to finally start dating again and after months of talking to someone online I met up with a lovely man. We got on really well and I would like to see him again. However, he commented how nice I smelt (coco noir)and said “just like my mum, that’s her favourite too”. I must have looked a bit mortified as he apologised and said that meant I must have great taste. We then started talking about scents and he said the one perfume he struggled to smell was “good girl” as his ex used to wear it and it just reminded him of constant arguments!
So what do I do? I don’t want to feel I have to change my perfume for another man but nor do I want to be compared to his mum and his ex! My friend has suggested I wear a 3rd fragrance rather than completely give up the others and see how the relationship goes. AIBU to do that. Is it allowing another man to control me? If I do it can you recommend any perfumes similar to those 2?

It's a weird one ime... When I met now exh I swapped perfumes as mine reminded me of exh!! And I encouraged dh to swap also. Him and his ex wore his /her fragrances and it felt a bit odd he still wore the his.. I have also had bad relationships. It's hard not to carry that baggage but if a small thing makes a big difference it isn't harmful imo. New start, new smell!! Good luck on your new relationship op. Try and relax and enjoy it. Not all men arw twats.

Hmm...there's literally 100s of perfumes out there..go on fragrantica.com and look up coco noir and good girl. You will see similar perfumes and "people who like this also like" so you could get a 3rd perfume to add to your wardrobe

I don't think changing your perfume is being controlled and isn't too much to ask, especially as it brings up unpleasant memories for him. Of course you don't have to change but relationships are about compromise and if you want to see where this goes, I think it's something you have to consider doing. Imagine if it was the other way round and he smelled like your abusive partner?

Plenty of perfumes out there, I wouldn't make it a big deal and wish you lots of luck.

I had a friend who changed her perfume because a man asked her to, and now she has disappeared, he took her to Brazil and I’ve never heard from her again. Tell your friend to be very careful and pay attention to any signs of manipulation.

Smells often trigger memories and I'd say changing perfume isn't about control in this situation. If that perfume reminds him of an ex that's fair enough but it doesn't sound like he even knows it wear it.

Been with dh 12 years and not 1 jot of controlling behaviour from either of us.

*knows you wear it

I don't see why you think it's a big deal. There are 1,000s of lovely perfumes out there. Why limit yourself to only 2? And do you really want to smell like his mum or his ex?!

Treat yourself to something new. Maybe something less ubiquitous. Or even better, get him to treat you. Choose something together that you both like how it smells on you and let him foot the bill.

I feel like perfumes are really good at invoking strong memories, when my dd was poorly as a baby one of the nurses wore one of my favourite perfumes and I now can’t wear it!! It might be worth exploring a new fragrance, could I suggest going to a department store like John Lewis or Harrods and trying out a range of perfumes?
I like Good Girl and some other perfumes I like include
Jean Paul Gaultier - Scandal
Viktor and Rolf - Tigerlily
Giorgio Armani - Si
Juliette has a gun - Not a Perfume
I am a bit of a perfume addict though, I have a bit of a collection and wear different perfumes for day time/evening/seasons or even just how I feel 😬
Superdrug will also fill a small travel pod with fragrance for around £7, unfortunately my local Superdrug has a small selection of perfume but it’s a great way to try a fragrance before splashing out on a full bottle.

Just buy yourself a new one you like and wear the other two in the office or whatever otherwise you'll be worrying about it if it comes to sex

He's not controlling you though, you don't want to smell like his mum or ex, that's your choice. Scents provoke emotions and memory.

My scent linked memory for my mum is Lou Lou, Anaïs Anais and Rive Gauche and anyone else that smells like those reminds me of her.
My Grandma linked memory is blue nivea

You like two very popular perfumes so it's highly likely to provoke memory's for other people whether that's someone you sit next to on public transport, in the queue at the supermarket or your new boyfriend

He isn’t controlling you, he hasn’t told you not to wear it or to wear something else, just said that he associates it with his mum and his ex. What you do with that information is up to you: you can decide you don’t care; you can continue to wear it and hope that, in time, he begins to associate it with you instead; you can decide that you’d prefer he didn’t think of his mum and his ex when he’s with you, and change it. The decision is in your hands here, not his.

DH has a fragrance I really don’t like the sell of. I’ve asked him if he can save it for work / when out on his own and use one of his others when he and I go out. He’s asked the same of me in the past over a product which gives him a headache. It’s just give and take.

He's allowed to say, but not dictate/make demands.

From what you say, he doesn't know you wear one of them, and has complimented you on the other. He hasn't told you to stop wearing either so posters saying it's a red flag for control have misunderstood?

I can understand why you might not want to smell like his mother or his ex, but that's your decision not his demand. You need to balance how much you like him, how much you don't want to smell like his mum, and finding another perfume you like.

I think I’d be happy to try a third fragrance because he hasn’t actually asked you to change them and because I wouldn’t want him thinking about his mum or his ex when he was with me. It would be the same if he wore the same aftershave as your ex. The smell would take you right back there, even if you felt perfectly safe and happy.

Yes that’s a very good point, thank you. I would struggle to constantly smell my exes aftershave.
No, he hasn’t asked me to change and he does not know I love Good Girl. He seems a genuinely nice man but the issue is me. I struggle to make decisions for myself after years of being told what I had to do and I was worried that by changing perfumes I was changing again for someone else. I think I will take others advice and see what else I like. Thank you

I totally agree with pp about scents and memories and it's something that he can't help especially with his ex. That my favourite perfume too and it's such a strong perfume it's bound to set off something for him..

(I also like versace noir the dark blue bottle)

My partner died a couple of years ago, we bought a caravan before he died and that summer I bought a Stacey soloman plug in that we used in the bedroom in the caravan and recently someone bought the same one Into work and plugged it into the cash office and my emotions were right bk there to the caravan and I had to walk out the room.

Definitely find another signature scent :)

He's not asking you to do anything

Do you REALLY want to remind him of his mum and his ex-girl friend? That's weird.

I use 4 different perfumes depending on what I like on the day! If you like good girl and Chanel noir you may also like Dior j'adore. Nothing wrong with adding another to the collection and just wearing that one when you meet up..I'm not quite sure id like my DP to smell like my dad so understand where his coming from😅

There’s thousands of perfumes out there, lots and lots of lovely ones. Just change perfumes.

it uses to be my job. I could tell you 50+ perfumes I’d happily wear every day

@LittleMousewithcloggson I would take this as a positive, having gone from never being allowed to make a decision, you have now identified a possible issue that you have your own thoughts about, have made your own decision on the appropriate solution and can carry it out.

Before coughing up for a new perfume probably have another conversation generally about memorable scents for both of you, you might not want to then chose a scent his Science teacher / vicar / first boss wore

I'm shocked at some of the comments on this thread and also at the poll results! Yeah, like fuck would I stop wearing my favourite perfume, because some man told me not to, as it 'reminds me of the ex.'

Posters are saying 'there are hundreds/thousands of perfumes, just change perfumes... '

Errr, how about NO! I like what I like. I won't change it for some man!

Am I not allowed to wear a certain colour, or a certain type of clothing, or have my hair a certain colour or style, because it 'reminds me of the ex?! Where will it stop?!

NO. It's manipulative and controlling and weird. I would definitely be binning off any man that behaved like this. Like fuck would I be changing anything about myself for any man! And I will wear whatever perfume I choose. It's his problem if he can't deal with it. LMFAO! FUCK that. 😆 I can't believe some of the posts on this thread!

Being a suspicious type, I'd be thinking of a subtle abuser's thought process;

I want her to stop wearing perfume, but she might take offence at being told she smells like a tart before she's more under my command.

'That's a lovely perfume, it smells just like my Mum's in bed with me'

'You're still wearing perfume. Oh yeah, it's great.. it's just that it makes me think I'm in bed with the last woman who left me'

She then feels permanently eww about both perfumes and probably doesn't risk spending out another sixty quid on one to be told it's just like his Nana or some other woman he's fucked - whilst he stops her from having something nice for herself/smelling like a tart. And she never suspects a thing.

Try Good Girl Supreme

He’s not asking your friend to change her perfume. The two just happen to have associations with other women in his life. I wouldn’t want to remind him of his mum or his ex so I would find a third perfume to wear around him.