To change my perfume for a man?

[LittleMousewithcloggson]

Posting on behalf on friend who does not create any internet accounts due to her history…

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years. Had many restrictions put on me, including not being allowed to wear body spray or perfume as I “smelt like a tart”
With help, I managed to escape the relationship and slowly began to rebuild my confidence. I have found 2 perfumes I love “Good Girl” and Chanel “Coco Noir”. They have become part of the new confident me and I love them.
I recently felt up to finally start dating again and after months of talking to someone online I met up with a lovely man. We got on really well and I would like to see him again. However, he commented how nice I smelt (coco noir)and said “just like my mum, that’s her favourite too”. I must have looked a bit mortified as he apologised and said that meant I must have great taste. We then started talking about scents and he said the one perfume he struggled to smell was “good girl” as his ex used to wear it and it just reminded him of constant arguments!
So what do I do? I don’t want to feel I have to change my perfume for another man but nor do I want to be compared to his mum and his ex! My friend has suggested I wear a 3rd fragrance rather than completely give up the others and see how the relationship goes. AIBU to do that. Is it allowing another man to control me? If I do it can you recommend any perfumes similar to those 2?

I'm shocked at some of the comments on this thread and also at the poll results! Yeah, like fuck would I stop wearing my favourite perfume, because some man told me not to, as it 'reminds me of the ex.' Except that didn’t happen now, did it? He told her that she had great taste with one perfume and she didn’t tell him she wore the other, he mentioned it without being prompted.

Am I not allowed to wear a certain colour, or a certain type of clothing, or have my hair a certain colour or style, because it 'reminds me of the ex?! Where will it stop?! Well why don’t we wait for it to start before we start worrying about where it’s going to stop?

It's his problem if he can't deal with it When did he tell her he couldn’t deal with her perfume choices? I must have missed that bit. All he did was say, completely unprompted, was that he didn’t like a particular perfume. Would you want to be thinking about your ex or your dad or your colleague when you’re with someone wearing the same aftershave?

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway but he doesn't even know that the OP wears her second favourite perfume. He mentioned that himself. Nor has he asked her to change it. OP is asking if she should because she doesn't want to smell like those reminders to him. If she was happy with that she should crack on but she's not so she should branch out and may find something she likes even more.

Eh...NO.
Change or abandon your perfume when it suits YOU.
Little things lead to bigger ones.

Did you even read the actual post and OPs follow ups or are you literally responding to the title?

Come on it's not even a long thread you could have read it before commenting

Of all the perfumes in all the world...

I wouldn’t be charging my perfume for a bloke.

TBH I think it’s fair enough to change perfume, and I am never one to be told what to do.

Funnily enough, DH and I were talking about scents this evening and he recalled that when we got together - 20 years ago - he had an aftershave I asked him to stop wearing as it reminded me of a man I had been on a few dates with who one night (out of the blue) attacked me.

I hated the smell and would have struggled to carry on seeing him, I am not at all controlling but smells evoke memories and emotion and it’s an easy change to make really.

Agree
I could have cried
They weren’t the only perfumes or aftershaves we talked about but they were the two that related to me. (Eg I now know his grannie wears Chanel no 5 or Jo Malone, his sister likes Miss Dior, another Ex wore Daisy but they mean nothing to me)

Like another poster said my 2 choices are very popular I just hadn’t realised how popular

Completely right
and I want to get a 3rd one but I didn’t want to go down the slippery slope of changing myself because of a man
you are right though, he didn’t ask me to and that is very different than my previous relationship

I am going home shortly so will be able to read your comments but not comment back as this isn’t my account. Thank you for all your input. I have realised that choosing a 3rd perfume isn’t a big deal and it’s not losing myself.
unless you’ve been in an abusive relationship it’s hard to understand what a big thing even choosing your own signature scent is. I didn’t want to lose that. But I understand now that he didn’t even hint I should change and that I can choose to change/adapt for my own wants and that’s ok

I once read an interview with Dita von Teese and she had a situation where her favourite perfume was also her new boyfriend's mother's signature perfume. She asked her close friend Kilian Hennessey (famous perfumer) for advice and he told her she had to either ditch the perfume or ditch the man.😅

A third perfume as some PP have suggested sounds like a good compromise!

Yeah, he didn't ask you to change it, but he is trying to manipulate you into doing so. Don't change your perfume for him. Wear what perfume you want to wear, WHEN you want to wear it!

It's HIS problem if he can't stand the perfume 'because it reminds him of his ex!' Tell him to get over himself.

What else is going to say reminds you of his ex (about you?') What else will he try and manipulate you into changing? Your hairstyle? Your shoes? Your clothes? Nah, fuck that. I would be binning him.

Your call though. Wear what perfume you want when you want to wear it though...

.

Scent is a huge thing though for memory

If you met someone and he wore the same aftershave as a man who had assaulted you or something.. and you really liked him, you might ask him to change it
Some aftershave gives me a sinking pit of the stomach feeling and I wouldn't want to date someone who wore those

What else is he going to expect the OP to change though? Her hairstyle, the way she dresses, her jewellery? Is he going to ask her to wear less make up because an ex used to wear a lot and she dumped him for another man? Where does it end???

Come off it. Just because YOU have an issue with something, be that a certain scent, or a beard on a man, or the fact he wears corduroy, it's breathtakingly unreasonable and ridiculous to expect them to stop wearing it/change things about himself because YOU have a problem with it. That relationship is going nowhere unless the person being 'triggered' gets therapy!

I used to wear Clinique Aromatics occasionally until dp at the time started coming home smelling of it. It still.makes my stomach churn. He's not made any demands, like most have said on here, it's a lovely excuse to dabble in new scents.

I'd buy an inexpensive third. Or maybe you could choose one together for your next birthday.

Years ago, (frighteningly 2001) I got a temp jop - maternity cover. It was a step up for me and a great opportunity. Boss was a pleasant but quiet ish middle-aged man going through an acrimonious divorce. A few days in he mentioned that I wore the same perfume as his soon to be ex wife. I jokingly said, 'I've just opened the bottle and you know it's expensive'. To my surprise he suggested, if I was to buy another one to wear in the office, he would pay for it. After work I bought another perfume and I left the receipt on his desk the next morning. When I returned from lunch the receipt and the cash was on my desk with a post it note say much appreciated. It was never mentioned again.

Smells/fragrances are so evocative and deeply linked to people and experiences - I didn't really mind.

Personally I would want to change perfumes. Admittedly I am a perfume collector and have way too many, but they’re so personal and evocative of memories and feelings and I think they’re just wonderful. I had a perfume in my collection that my DH’s ex wore and I got rid of it. No thank you - don’t want him to be reminded of her through no fault of his own. It just involuntarily happens when he’d smell it. There are so many perfumes out there, literally thousands, go and explore and find one that’s perfectly you.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway but it's just a scent. I have hundreds of the things, it's not like asking me to dye my hair or stop wearing jeans or never eat chocolate again

If a man asked me to stop wearing a scent as he didn't like it, I would. But only that and I would be very alert for red flags
I have a scent I don't wear to the office because my manager complains it makes him hungry all day!

Who said you were not allowed to do anything you wanted?

You might be completely fine with your new boyfriend wearing the same aftershave as your dad, I would prefer if the man in my bed didn't smell like my dad personally. How is that manipulative, controlling and weird I'd love to know.

If you are happy to remind your boyfriend of his previous girlfriends, enjoy.

you do sound weirdly triggered by this thread, why all the drama?

I think it's absolutely fair enough - scents are evocative. I wouldn't be able to kiss or be intimate with DH if he wore Obsession or Brut; they were scents my dad wore. I wouldn't want to smell like his mum or his ex, either (and I like them both!), and I wouldn't want him to be reminded of them while we're in bed together. That'd be weird all round.

I also really wouldn't mind if he just particularly hated a scent! There's one aftershave DH bought a while back, can't remember the name, but it gave me terrible headaches and nausea. So he stopped. I'd do the same for him.

There was a thread in Chat a while ago all about how scents can really conjure up memories and emotions. It's not the same as a hair colour or a style of clothing. Plus, he hasn't requested you to change anything and doesn't even know about the second perfume. He sounds totally fine tbh, definitely not a problem in my books!

Scent is incredibly evocative for me, and for others - perhaps not for everyone. There's a perfume my Mum used to wear a lot when I was a child, and now she rarely does, but I caught a rare whiff last year and immediately felt I was 7 years old again and looked for my Mum! I wouldn't want to wear a perfume that reminded my boyfriend of either his Mum or his ex, and I would really struggle if a new partner wore one my Dad or ex wore, too.
I don't think it's controlling, in this instance. He hasn't told her not to wear perfume #1, just said his Mum does, and didn't even know she sometimes liked #2 either, from the sound of it.

Agree that for a new relationship it's good to get a new smell. I, like pp, couldn't wear my old one without thinking of my ex and had to put it aside for a year before I could wear it again. Smells are very evocative and you don't want any negative associations.

Ditch him.

Also, do the freedom program to help you identify arseholes. I don’t think this one is necessarily an arsehole, but perhaps you are incompatible.

Enjoy your perfume and other choices you make :-)